Holiday Aroma: The Relaxing Smells of the Holiday Season

If your family tradition is to get a real Yuletide tree for the home each year, then you have experienced the association of seasonal smells that come with the holidays.  Psychotherapists that utilize aroma therapy in their work have known for years that the use of aromas can contribute to the rise of feelings, memories and reactions associated with them, and during the holiday season this triggering is more true than just about any other time of the year.

It's not just evergreen trees that trigger relaxation, happy memories and joy during the holidays.  The end-of-year celebrations have a multitude of triggering aromas, from hot chocolate and candies to cinnamon and peppermint.  Whatever it may be, finding the correct aroma for yourself is key in knowing what helps bring you joy and relaxation during this festive time of the year.

With all of this in mind, it's important to know that just as an association of aroma with fond memories and events is positive, there may also be aromas that bring you sorrow, irritation, and pain.  Knowing what these are is also important so you can arrange for positive outcomes throughout the holiday season.  Just remember that it's different for everyone.  The smell of a Yuletide evergreen tree is not the same for everyone and is not universally "pleasant".  For one person it can have a positive association with opening presents and hearing favorite holiday music, and for another it can bring painful memories of negative events that perhaps happened in association to the tree during any given occasion in the past.

You most likely already know which holiday aromas are most pleasant to you and which ones you steer clear of.  The reason is because they trigger memories and emotions right away.  But there might be some physical and emotional reactions that take a little while to sink in and you may not fully realize that you've been affected by them until a gradual emotion or mood surfaces.  Becoming gradually sad or finding yourself getting incrementally cheerful might mean that you were triggered by an aroma earlier than "now", such as passing through a store while shopping for holiday gifts but not realizing until an hour later that you might have been triggered by the aroma of candles or oils while in the store earlier.  So try to notice if a memory or feeling has crept up on you from aroma triggers you might not have noticed at the time they occurred.  

It might take a few holiday seasons for you to experiment with aroma therapy, but based on your present awareness of yourself, you can help to enhance your relaxation and stress reduction during the holidays by surrounding yourself with the aromas you already know well.  Finding safe sources for these aromas is also important so be careful to check the products you purchase to make sure they are as safe as possible to your lungs and overall health.

Aroma therapy sources may include candles, scented sachets, potpourri, essential oils and oil diffusers, lotions, sprays, perfumes, soaps, bath beads, burning smokeless incense, balms, and herbs.  Each is a personal preference and no one method is better than the other.  Your choice is part of the process of finding the most enjoyable aromas for your mind and body.

Hellen Keller, who lost her eyesight and hearing before she was 2yrs old, was well known for her incredible writing and communication skills which frequently shone light on awareness of the power that our "other" senses have.  She wrote that, "Smell is a potent wizard that transports us across thousands of miles and all the years we have lived."  

Thanks to micadew for the great holiday photo.

Autumn: The symbolic push to seize the moment

There is something about Autumn that everyone seems to like.  Ask most anyone and they will express a like for the cooler temperatures, wearing their favorite sweaters at last, walking in the colorful Fall leaves, or drinking warm beverages like coco, cider and tea.

It's the time of year where we can capitalize on relaxation, creativity, and a connection with nature since it is comfortable enough to be out in the elements, and the season offers something for all of the senses.

But this time of year also offers a lot of symbolism about life, transitions and the reality that nothing ever stays the same, everything is in constant change, and there is evidence all around us that we don't have forever to do the things we want to do in this lifetime.

Robert Frost put it well in his classic poem (so symbolic of Autumn in itself), 

Nothing Gold Can Stay:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold,
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

I'm reminded of the existentialists who frequently get accused of being the downers in life, but in reality they are the writers and thinkers who bring to light the need for all of us to come home to the present moment, which is where life actually exists.  They push us a little bit to find meaning in our lives.  They are the questioners of life itself and encourage us to ask, "What does it mean to exist?" But more than that, they push us to find meaning in this existence that brings us such constant change, including birth and death.  Why is it that this transitional time of year, which symbolically represents death and the reality that "nothing gold can stay"-- is so beautiful, and so welcomed and enjoyed by most?

There is something very relaxing in getting out and enjoying this time of year.  Be sure to get out and walk among the leaves and colors and let your senses take it all in.  The smell, the sight, the sound... And while you are out there, be sure to ask yourself, "Why am I here?"  "What is my personal meaning in this life?"  Are you waiting around for some other person, organization, or entity to define this for you?  What would it be like to create this meaning for yourself?  What are you waiting for?  Nothing gold can stay!  

Thanks to Ian Sane for the great photo

Denial: A Precursor to Stress and Anxiety

In the 1980s many therapy and addiction circles had a saying that "denial" is more than just a river in Egypt.  Denial can be anything from an initial protective reaction (such as when we are told a loved one has died), all the way to serious denial about damaging addictions or other behaviors.  It is saying or deciding that something is untrue.  We can deny that we did or said something we did not do, and we can deny that the sky is green if someone tries to tell us it is.  But denying something is true when it is in fact true, is a different kind of denial.  

At some point most of us are nudged out of denial about the many things we find uncomfortable.  For instance, that we are either spending too much, drinking too much, exercising too much, haven't dealt with a personal issue yet, or need to accept that something is or isn't actually true.   But denial becomes a problem when it starts to get out of control, and that time is when we deny those things that really need to be seen, accepted, or acknowledged in order for life to run realistically, safely, and smoothly.

Sometimes we might not actually realize how stressed out we are until the signs and symptoms of anxiety begin to show themselves in factual form.  And even then, many people will still deny they are actually having problems.  Any number of physical symptoms can be traced back to a stressful lifestyle or stressful life situation that might have been unexpected, such as death, job loss, financial hardship, illness, and so on.  We can recognize we've gone into denial when we realize we are acting "as if" something is other than what it really is.

For instance, if we know that a loved one has passed away but we are still setting a table setting for them at the dinner table, we are acting "as if" they are still alive or might come through the door at any moment, rather than living with an awareness that they have actually passed away.  In addition, sometimes parents will maintain their child's bedroom long after they have grown and moved out because they don't really want to accept that they are gone and living their own lives elsewhere.  They maintain a home existence "as if" their child is still living there or might just return to their former place in the household.

When it comes to stress and anxiety we may similarly find that we are living "as if" there is no need for rest, relaxation, meditation, or quiet time.  Instead, we may be acting "as if" our body is a machine that can run non-stop, doesn't need sleep or nourishment, and can function without any sense of exposure to nature.  When physicians tell patients that the reason for their low vitamin D is lack of sunshine, many people are surprised.  In addition, when they are told that their headaches might be caused by too much time at the computer, eye and neck strain, shoulder tension, and lack of sleep, modern day humans carry on "as if" those signs and symptoms are possible, but of little consequence. 

The truth is that the toll taken on us for ignoring our daily and hourly signs of stress are enormous.  We now know that stress can enhance the speed of growth in some forms of cancer, and ask anyone who has participated in sleep research (either as a patient or researcher) and they will tell you that lack of adequate rest leads to errors and accidents.   When stress and anxiety are denied and life is carried on "as if" that tension does not exist, the human body can begin to unravel.

So how do we work to prevent as much denial as possible about our level of stress at any given moment?  We do this by applying the dual-action of:  1) taking serious daily inventory of our lives, and 2) acting on the information we gather from that inventory.  

How many hours of sleep are you getting?  Are you getting appropriate nutrition?  Have you had too much or too little of a substance, such as sugar, salt, caffeine, marijuana, alcohol, drugs, and water.  Are you getting enough exercise, physical rest, movement, non-movement, stretching or touch.  

And don't forget part two of this dual-action:  acting on the information you gather from taking daily inventories is the only way to make the change happen.  It's the move from knowing to "doing" that pulls you out of denial and returns you to a better state of awareness where you can see things as they really are.  

Denial really is more than just a river in Egypt.  It's a very important topic to tackle on your path to coping with stress.

Thanks to S J Pinkney for the great photo of "Sunset on the Nile"

Healthy Resistance to Stress

If you are like most others, you were probably trying to just wait out the COVID-19 pandemic in hope of things eventually just getting back to "normal".  But it looks like whatever it is we are experiencing now "is" the new normal, and accepting that is really most of the battle regarding the stress that this real change brings. 

It's symbolic and synchronistic, I suppose, that all of this comes near the edge of seasonal change, as Fall is right around the corner and the unknown continues to lie ahead of us all.

Many folks are still sitting on another kind of edge as well, and that is the one between human survival and just trying to flourish in this life.  How do we sort out how to scramble for employment, income, safety, and basic needs while also trying to find peace, joy, harmony and a stress free life for ourselves?  For some the reality of having tied one's ego up in a job title has hurried in hard existential questions about identity, purpose, and meaning.  The problem is that to cling to anything at all--be it a job, job title, marriage, house, business, project, money, or even health--is a big mistake.  None of these will stay the same even if you manage to keep them.  Never-the-less, it's only human nature for us to do what we need to do to survive and once survival needs are met, only then do we bother to notice the stress that surviving has put on us.  

So, the way we respond to stress is very important.  It was Hans Selye who created the General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS) model to help us understand the stress response.  It has three stages:  The Alarm stage in which a stressor is introduced to our environment.  The Resistance stage in which we do our best to cope with that stressor (sometimes not in the healthiest of ways).  And finally the Exhaustion stage.  

Many of us are still in the Resistance stage regarding the stress brought on by COVID-19 and something that is important for us to realize is that this stage cannot be maintained forever.  If we are not coping well, then all of our resources will eventually become depleted and we will reach the stage of Exhaustion, which puts us at risk for a weakened immune system and vulnerability for illnesses we were initially trying to avoid.  Therefore, it's crucial that we work to have the healthiest coping styles we can muster up during the Resistance stage of stress.

Fall brings with it cold and flu season, the one thing none of us want to take risks with, especially this year.  So you can start now to strengthen your coping styles for dealing with whatever stressors COVID-19 has brought your way.  Here are some ideas to notice about your own coping right now:

• Are you eating well, taking in healthy foods?  Or are you going for the sugar and junk food?
• Are you drinking or using other substances more?  Or using natural relaxation techniques?
• Are you coping by shopping and spending?  Or are you journaling about your frustrations?
• Are you closing the world off?  Or reaching out to talk with others who are also coping?
• Are you getting enough exercise?  Or planting in front of the awful daily news stories?
• Are  you asking for help?  Or trying to do the impossible all by yourself?
• Are you searching for available resources?  Or playing the victim and deciding it's hopeless?
• Are  you seeing and appreciating the possibilities around you?  Or giving up?

What's important here is to not let yourself reach the stage of Exhaustion where the immune system falls below homeostasis (that neutral place of normal functioning).  The holidays and winter can bring with them feelings of depression (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and lowered motivation.  So prepare now by upping your game to include better and healthy coping styles.  At least give yourself the upper hand to cope in the best way you possibly can.

• Thanks to Ginny for the great photo
• https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

COVID-19: Psychological Defensive Driving & Anxiety

When you first learn to drive, it's inevitable that somewhere along the line someone will talk to you about the importance of defensive driving.  These driving techniques can save your life and drastically reduce your chances of injury or death.  Sadly, that they exist at all is admittance that there are some really bad drivers out there, not to mention bad conditions and situations that can't be avoided.  It's an educational way of saying, "Watch out, out there!"

We can draw analogies to these same techniques with the COVID pandemic in America, and the new pressure to "return to normal" life, while getting back to work, and returning to our shopping, dining out, and socializing with others.

Yet, there is a lot of anxiety being raised with the early push to try to get the economy back up and running, and the convincing of a society that they can resume life as it was.  Of course--as is the usual pattern these days in America--it has created yet another bipolar, bipartisan, and marital-bickering among the already polarized society dwelling in the land of the free.  Why our beloved country seems paralyzed to the ability of polite compromise anymore is a mystery to write about on another day.

Never-the-less, the drive to get folks back to the workplace and into the stores--but mostly to serving their dutiful chores of spending money and supporting the establishment--has come nearly at the barrel of a symbolic gun representing our right to bear arms, and this return to what many think will be what it was before, will require a lot of psychological and emotional defensive driving on our part.

In the same way that it would typically be a waste of time, energy and attention to argue about whether someone is a good or bad driver, you would just as equally better spend your time learning to drive defensively to protect yourself (and your loved ones) from those who might be more careless in their skills and attention to the road.

And yes, the same holds true now for the manner in which we are being pressured to return for our first trial run at resuscitating our coveted-capitalistic-society, which has become part of American's sense of identity to the point that, to kill the society is to kill those who have become identified with it.  So you won't be able to hold Americans indoors for long, because in fighting for their right to be free, functioning, profit-making citizens, they need to have full reign.  That's why behavioral and psychological defensive driving is very important right now in a society hell-bent on flexing its muscle in the face of COVID-19.

So how do we utilize defensive driving techniques to help us cope with and reduce our stress and anxiety when it comes to the dropping of the first-wave of stay-at-home orders in America?    Let's take a look: 

1)  Plan ahead for the unexpected:  This means we need to think before we leave the house.  Make sure you don't leave without your mask, sanitizer, and patience because things aren't moving that fast our there right now.  Prepare in advance to have what you need to personally feel safer in a society that is trying to get back up to full speed.  Some feel safer wearing gloves and taking their own water, food and utensils, etc.  If you are thinking you can go about without a mask, you might find that you can't get into some of your favorite places anymore.  So just take it and be ready to wear it.

2)  Be prepared to react to others:  This means that you need to be ready to move out of the way if someone steps closer than 6 feet inside your personal circle right now.  Many people will be eager to get right back to the way things once were and will unintentionally step or breathe in your space.

3)  Don't make assumptions about what others "should" do:  This means that you can't just assume everyone will be courteous and stand back, cover their face, wear gloves, not cough or sneeze in your direction, etc.  So when they do, don't come undone or make a scene.  Just do what you need to do to step back and take care of your safety the same way you'd hold back a bit when seeing a reckless driver.  In addition, don't assume everyone should just drop their masks in the trash and return to pre-COVID-19 behavior.  Many of the elderly people interviewed who had survived the 1918 pandemic of the Spanish flu told interviewers that it took two to three years for people to trust again, to be able to not tense up if someone was coughing or sneezing, and to be fully able to be out in society again as they had been before the pandemic.

4)  Respect others along the way:  Respecting that others have views different from your own is very important, and is just being courteous and kind.  For one thing, it's just not cool to laugh at others or make fun of them.  So if you chose to not wear a mask and see someone who is, just smile and move on.  It's like changing the channel on the TV when you don't like what you see.  Move on!  Respect that others feel, believe, and think differently and carry on.  You don't have to be mean and bully others.  And for goodness sakes!  Put the guns away.  We're all in this together!  The art of debate still exists, so there is no need for aggression or intimidation.  Everyone knows you have the right to carry, but you don't have to scare kids by showing you have one!

5)  Be aware of special conditions:  Make sure you leave room in your emotional bank for rare situations that don't represent groups as a whole.  With defensive driving this is the sudden pothole that hammers your shock absorbers and nearly rips your bumper off with the blow.  Or a hail storm that comes upon you and other drivers out of nowhere.  For our return to society, just open your mind to knowing that stuff you didn't expect WILL happen, so just chill out when it does and keep steady to the course.  Everyone is trying to cope the best they can so as long as it's not harming you or others, try to be patient.

6)  Stay alert and avoid distractions:  This means that just because you are prepared, doesn't mean that everyone else is.  If you take your eye off the road, you might run into something, and the same is true for returning to a society coping with COVID-19.  Look ahead to see if someone is entering your personal space or if a cashier has not wiped down a self check-out register when it's your turn to use it.  Be ready for someone to forget that we are using safe practices of social distancing and be ready to speak up if you need to, but be respectful.  You might forget as well, so stay alert! 

7)  Control your speed:  This means that there are many in the country who are definitely ready NOW to return life to "normal".  But the news is that we are never going back to the normal we had before COVID-19.  Everyone is entering or re-entering (or choosing not to enter) society at their own pace.  Don't let yourself be pressured into going before you are ready and have the things you need to produce the least amount of anxiety.  If you are ready now, don't forget to go with caution.  You seriously don't want to catch this illness!  Getting back out there doesn't mean you don't need to take care of your safety, health and life, or be careless with the safety, health and lives of others.  

Don’t forget to practice safe psychological driving folk.  Be kind and courteous to each other, and use defensive psychological driving if you must drive at all.

Thanks to siddharthav for the great photo

https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Cognitive Reframing: Reducing Anxiety and Stress with a new Mindset

Perspective is the way we view things.  Our frame of reference.  And the way we see things is very important since it has a strong influence on the way we make our decisions and eventually end up feeling.  So making sure that the way we view things is as realistic as possible is key in reducing our stress and anxiety.

Cognitive Restructuring is the way that therapists help individuals learn to identify the types of faulty thinking styles they've been using, and once learned it's just called Cognitive Reframing, which is something you can do on your own in your everyday life.  It was developed by Aaron Beck, who was the same man that developed Cognitive therapy, and it's as easy as ABCDE...

Here's how it works:

A= Activating Event (i.e., an event or events is happening in your world)

B= Belief (i.e., you use faulting beliefs to filtering those events through your mind)

C= Consequences (i.e., negative feelings result from the way you think and filter the events)

D= Disputations (i.e., learning to dispute the negative thinking styles with facts and evidence)

E= Emotions (i.e., the new and more comfortable emotions you experience as a result)

Example:

A= Your boss gives you an evaluation and says that your could work a little bit faster

B= You filter that comment through a faulty belief that your boss never appreciates your work

C= As a result you start to feel depressed and angry and think about finding a new job

D= Then you challenge your belief by recalling your boss compliments you quite often

E= The result is a calmer feeling and a realistic awareness that one critique does not end all

Here is a link to read more about some of the most frequently used faulty thinking styles.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/ 

And yes, we all use some of them sometimes, and some of us use all of them sometimes!  Try to identify which of the faulty thinking styles you use most often and practice disputing them with more rational thinking.  What you will find in the end is that the way you feel can change and your stress and anxiety can find relief.

Thanks to Nikky for the great photo

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Reducing Stress: Putting your New Year's Resolution on the schedule

New Year's resolutions get a bad rap.  Sometimes folks are afraid to even make them for fear they will be broken before January 31st.  Many fitness centers know this drill well.  New membership rises just after the first of the year and new arrivals fill the centers with people full of vigor and determination.  But by February and March, the facilities fall back to normal attendance as all the health dreams begin to fade away.

If your New Year's resolution includes a focus on stress reduction, you can reduce the risk of the "gradual fade" by building your new stress reduction activities right into your schedule until they become a new part of your daily life.

In the same way you make sure to add your dentist appointment or oil change into your day timer, the focus and activities for daily relaxation need to be included in the same way.   Sometimes it's just a matter of writing the self-imposed new activity into your time plans, just as you would carve out the time to go get a haircut or pick up groceries.

When it comes to relaxation and stress reduction, it's easy to get in the habit of brushing aside the things that are on the schedule for self-care, such as getting a massage, going to the day-spa, or planning time to read that good book you've been meaning to get to.  Putting these items on the schedule also means keeping those appointments with yourself and not cancelling out because other stressful things have begun to crowd your life.

For your success at the new 2020 resolutions, try to include making a vow to put the new relaxation items on the daily schedule and reinforcing that vow with a promise to oneself to not override those relaxation events when stress starts crowding out the limited time schedule.  Consider these events as essential as laundry and putting gas in the car.  Without them you are not clothed with calm energy or supplied with centered transportation.

In the New Year, make a promise to keep your stress reduction appointments with yourself and be a reliable and steady customer.  The only one that can show up for these events is you.

Thanks to mrhayata for the great photo
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Transforming Suffering to Reduce Stress and Anxiety

In Buddhism the lotus flower is very symbolic for the path of enlightenment.  It's the lotus flower that grows up out of muddy water and represents a person's journey through suffering in life (i.e., rising up out of that mud to become a beautiful flower).  It's actually the mud itself that makes you strong.  Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a book about this called, "No Mud, No Lotus:  The Art of Transforming Suffering."  

Now, this doesn't mean we should go around looking for things to suffer about.  Life offers plenty of suffering just as it is.  What does happen, however, is that we need to be alert to the ways we make great, and even elaborate attempts to avoid suffering and this is what causes our suffering.  In other words, we can't avoid the realities of life.  Sickness and death come, and discomfort is sometimes a part of our daily living.  We can't always have what we'd like or live in the luxury we'd prefer.  And it is the desire for things to be other than what they actually are, that leads to the most suffering.

There are lots of ways we try to avoid suffering:  Drugs and alcohol, shopping, sex, gambling, entertainment, money, workaholism, eating, etc.  If we give these up, we return to experiencing the realities of life.  That is, that sometimes there might not be something to fill your time, or sometimes there are losses, breakups, empty feelings.  Sometimes we are depressed, sad, tearful, lonely, and yet if we try to escape these by filling the time with some of the above bad habits, it only makes life worse.

So learning to suffer through some of this mud in life is key to finding our way to reducing stress and anxiety, or challenging depression and sadness.  Learning to endure the discomforts that life can serve us is important and it's this "mud" that makes us strong enough to grow up out of it, and rise above the waterline in life to bloom as the lotus flowers we are.

The lotus flower grows up and out of the water and stands prominently above it with bright colors of white, red, pink, gold, etc.  These flowers shine in the sun and have multiple pedals which are also symbolic for the beauty of one's enlightenment.  But none of this would happen without the mud (the struggle and suffering) that this great flower is rooted in.

So too with you, that you must learn to endure the difficulties in life and not expect it to be other than what it really is.  Sometimes we have natural and normal anxiety and sometimes we are not always so happy.  The good news is that none of these states is permanent and you can be sure they (and you) will change and transform, just like the lotus flower does.

Thanks to Rajeev K for the great photo
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Reducing Stress with Local Travel Trips

Sometimes traveling can be an adventure, and it's a goal many of us seek in life.  However, it can also lead to a lot of stress and complicated planning that can increase anxiety as the details and intricate pieces of a complicated trip unfold.  That's why considering more simplified local travel trips in your own area can be much more enjoyable and a lot less expensive and taxing.

We tend to always think that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, or at least in someone else's state or country besides our own.  But if you do a little digging, you might realize that many people work to try and come to your own area for things you never knew existed.  Festivals, parades, annual celebrations and gatherings, lakes, mountains, sporting events, unique geological spots like hot springs, and volcanic rock formations.  Most places have some kind of history that makes them special, be that for wildlife, camping and hiking, or just for the local life of breweries, restaurants and unique architecture.

If you tend to feel like you need another entire vacation just to rest up after returning from your vacations, you might need to rethink what you consider a relaxing getaway, and consider new ways to make your plans a lot less stressful.  Staying fairly local, or within your own surrounding state can be less expensive as it doesn't require as much time spent in flight, train or car.  In fact, you can actually spend more time enjoying whatever it is you've gone to do or see.  And if it saves you so much to stay local that you have extra vacation funds left over, then you can spend that on more local things like boating, helicopter tours, museums, interesting new foods, and the plentiful spa, massage, and relaxation offerings in most vacation spots.

We can get stuck believing that a real vacation is one that is loaded with lots of expensive new and unique activities we should bring back to tell others about--as if it's not a real getaway if you can't say that you lived it up, tried new things (i.e. zip lining, skydiving, bungee jumping, scuba diving, etc.), saw every famous spot and checked one more item off of your bucket list.  But your next vacation getaway does not have to be so elaborate (and stressful).  It's just as fine to bring home stories of full bodied relaxation, soaks in hot natural mineral water, beautiful sunsets, and peaceful mountain lakes that look like glass.

Thanks to Christian Collins for the great photo of Lake of Glass, Rocky Mtn Nat Park, Colorado
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Peace of Mind

What does it really mean to "find peace"?  By definition, peace means a state of quiet tranquility where there are no disturbances, no war, no aggression, and no conflict or hostility.  It's a place of harmony or perhaps a time of calm contentment.

When we are seeking peace we might be looking for a quiet place or gentle environment.  Maybe a break from noise and human congestion.  Peace can be that small coffee shop where not a lot of people go, or it can be your own home library or patio get away where water fountains gently trickle and birds click away in the trees.

Finding peace within the mind, however, is a little tougher and requires training ourselves to stay in the present rather than allowing the mind to wandering off into worry, rumination, or dwelling on regrets about the past.  By the same definition, peace of mind also seeks to find a place of quiet mental tranquility where we are not disturbed by our noisy or aggressive thoughts.  Finding a cognitive place of harmony and calm contentment means staying mindful of what is happening right at this moment.

One method for finding a mindful place of peace is to focus on the senses.  Noticing in this present moment what it is you feel, smell, hear, taste, and see can help to keep your mind from wandering off into the noise and disturbance of thoughts about the past and worries about the future that take you away from this very moment.

Focusing on the senses in the present moment can bring you to full awareness of the meal you are eating, the music you are listening to, the feel of the temperature in the room, the beauty of your surroundings, or the aroma of everything in front of you, be it a cup of coffee or a beautiful flower.

When the mind is trained to stay present it is at a higher state of peace than when it is untrained and living in the past or the future.  A mind that is dwelling on the past, where it lives out the hour or day ruminating about how things "should" have been, or "could" have been, is a mind at war with itself.  And a mind living in the future, where it dwells on the "what ifs" and contemplates the catastrophes that may come, is a mind that can never rest due to that jackhammer noise called "worry".

Peace, and better yet... Peace of Mind, is a quiet and tranquil place, free of unwanted and disturbing thoughts.  It's a place of harmony and calm contentment, in the mind.  You have no greater task in this lifetime than to bring your mind to a place of peace, and there is no greater peace than being fully present in this very moment.

Thanks to Ray MacLean for the great photo
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Compromise: Reducing Stress by finding the Middle Ground

Polarization seems to be a growing fad in the United States, and even globally, really.  Opponents of one side of an issue dig in their heels and close their minds and ears to hearing from those who disagree with them, or who may have differing views to present.

A lot of stress is created when those who disagree with each other refuse to take steps to meet halfway.  This can only be done by means of the apparent lost art of compromise, which is something we are in short supply of lately.  Yet compromise could be the solution to a lot of situations that are leading to a growing amount of stress in communities across the country.  Learning about compromise and improving your skill at it can help you be a part of the solution in your own community, family, and workplace.  And we all know that getting things corrected in these smaller arenas leads to correction nationally.

Let's begin with the definition of compromise:  "an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions."  What does concessions mean?  It means that you give in a little bit by giving up something.  Notice that compromise is not that each side makes more demands, or more insistences, or is more forceful than the other side, or even attempts to "win" by any means possible.  Instead, a compromise is when opponents of BOTH sides of an issue, give up something in order to give in just enough to meet the other side halfway.  Also notice, it does not mean that just one side gives in, but that BOTH sides give in.

If Sue wants dinner at 7pm and Sarah wants dinner at 5pm, a compromise is to meet halfway and have dinner at 6pm.  If Bill wants a salary raise of $5000 a year and the budget suggests only $4000, maybe a compromise could be made to raise Bill's salary by $4500 to keep a good employee and not break the bank.  These kinds of compromises happen because each side is willing to give in a little bit (i.e., make concessions).

Where problems begin to happen is when one or both sides refuse to give up their demands and feel entitled to get their way without compromises.  In fact, more and more we hear the phrase, "We are not willing to make concessions."  Which is basically saying that one is not willing to give up anything at all in order to meet another halfway.

Here are some ideas to help you practice learning to compromise on a more frequent basis in order to prevent relationship or conversational problems from bogging down into stagnation.

*Before approaching a conflict, debate, conversation, ask yourself what areas of the topic or issue at hand you would be willing to give up or let go of a little, as these are the least significant areas in which you would have concessions to offer.

*Determine where your own moral and ethical boundary will be on any given issue so you know where you are able to give in a little and let some things go.  Don't dwell on what you refuse to give up, but on what you are willing to let go of.

*Try to determine in what areas you actually agree or could agree partially with any opposing view so that you are able to verbalize that you can see, or partially see, your opponent's point of view.  This is a place you can honestly say, "I give you that."  That is a concession.

*Keep the end goal in mind.  This helps you push yourself a little harder to try for a compromise instead of tossing the end goal out the window because you can't have your way.  The aim is to move things forward through compromise, not get bogged down in stubborn refusals.

Creating a system of compromise in your family, workplace and community helps to create a system that lets everyone know they will be treated fairly.  If only one person in the family, community or workplace always got their way and no compromises were ever made, others would feel slighted and only stress would follow.  Compromise is a great art to develop individually and collectively.  It's what democracy is all about.

Thanks to Amtecphotos for the great photo
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Stress Management Techniques: Creating Your Own Program

Stress Management techniques are the set of methods each of us reaches for to manage stress in our lives.  Everyone has a different bag of tricks and not all techniques used for stress management fit everyone.  The important thing to know is that just having some stress management techniques to reach for is the first step in coping well when these life events arise.  To be unprepared is to ignore that sometimes life is stressful and to avoid healthy coping techniques is an invitation to anxiety, exhaustion, and depression.

Knowing your source of stress is a great place to begin.  It can be the job, the kids, health concerns, or any number of things that contribute to your daily stress.  If you have not yet identified what it is that leads to your stress, try to spend some time journaling about when your stress is more prominent or when it begins and ends.  This can help you identify where it's coming from.  Once you know the source or cause of your stress, you can identify what needs to change or what needs to be added to your life in order to better cope with the stress, reduce the stress, or completely eliminate the stress entirely.

Coping with the stress might mean that while staying in the stress, you practice ways to reduce your physical symptoms without removing yourself from the event.  For instance, you might learn breathing techniques that slow the breath and therefore slow the heart rate and blood pressure.  Reducing the stress can include breathing retraining used in coping with stress, but it might also include other kinds of adjustments such as reducing hours at work, reducing the frequency of exposure to stressful events, reducing productivity, and working with cognitive behavioral techniques to reduce the amount of time you worry.  Eliminating stress can mean that it might be time to let that current job go and find a better one with less pressure.  It can also mean moving if the area you live in is stressful and unlikely to change.  Eliminating stress means just that, removing it from your life and making a change for good.

Taking the time to develop a set of stress management techniques for yourself is well worth the time.  Once you know what works for you, it's easy to reach for and easy to apply.

Thanks to Dimitar Nikolov for the great photo
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Personalizing your Relaxation

Everyone has a different idea of what relaxation is.  Where one person might believe that heading out to sea on a lovely sailboat to catch a glimpse of the sunset on the ocean horizon is all they need to quiet their mind and slow their breath, another might feel that heading out on the ocean in any vessel, at all, is the equivalent of being trapped on a floating, inescapable prison cell.

The point is that no one else can tell you what relaxation "should" be--for you.  Each individual will need to come to an awareness on their own as to what it is in life that brings them a state of calm, meditative peace.

Each of us does need to keep in mind, however, that we do not have to adhere to the expectations of others that what they find to be personally relaxing, is what we should find to be relaxing, too.  Just as important, is to know that we have a right to enjoy the things we find relaxing, without others telling us we should not find those things to be relaxing just because they do not find them to be relaxing for themselves.

Though a beekeeper may find it very relaxing to suit up and spend time working with their bees and honey, someone else might find it difficult to understand how spending time with hundreds or thousands of flying insects, with the potential of stinging, could possibly be relaxing.

At the same time, there are many who find massage therapy to be very relaxing, healing, and calming.  Yet, for others, the notion of being touched in this way by a stranger is more stress and anxiety inducing that it is relaxing.

When it comes to relaxation, self-trust and self-knowledge is key to making the best of your time and effort, but for this you may have to explore a little bit and try a few new things in order to discover what things may bring you the most sense of relaxation and peace.  In the end, it is you who will be the decision maker about what is and is not relaxing for you personally.  In this way you give your body your full attention and let it know you are listening to what it has to say.

Here are a few (non-animal-harming) ideas for things that some have found relaxing:

*Rock Climbing
*Music
*Sailing, canoeing, kayaking
*Gardening
*Hot Springs
*Reiki
*Hiking
*Woodworking
*Cooking
*Massage Therapy
*Tea Ceremony
*Meditation
*Sauna, Hot Tub, or Steam Room
*Art (Painting, drawing, pottery, etc.)
*Day Spa
*Tai Chi and Qigong
*Peaceful time with animals
*Surfing
*Picnics
*Conversation with friends

Thanks to JacobEnos for the great photo
https://www.flickr.com/photos/notjake13/
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The Relaxing Art of Conversational Meditation

Many time we think of meditation as something one might do solo, in private, with silence and without the distraction of others.  However, meditative conversation is a relaxing way to be fully present and in the company of a good friend, while also relaxing and reducing stress.

Traditional definitions of meditation include things such as "concentration on one's breath" or "repeating a mantra".  They can also include activities such as staring at a candle flame or using a guided imagery in one's mind.

But when it comes right down to it, meditation is actually all of these as they all have one thing in common, and that is that they train the mind and consciousness to be fully present and focused on whatever it is that is happening right now.

In meditative conversation, one must work to sharpen their listening skills so they can remain fully present.  It's not uncommon to talk about oneself too much, or change the topic your companion is presenting to be all about "me, myself, and I".  Other common mistakes that distract from being fully present in conversation are things like talking over the top of your friend, rushing to reply before your conversation companion has finished their sentence, and continually changing the topic to focus on your own life and events.  There is a common misconception that conversation is made up of, "I talk about me, then you talk about you".  Which is not really a conversation.  It's two people talking about themselves in the presence of another person. It's talking "at" someone, not with them.

Here are some tips for meditative conversation you can try the next time you plan to get together with a good friend, companion, acquaintance, or partner.

*Meditative conversation is best done in a quieter, relaxed setting where complete focus can be directed at listening and responding to what is heard.  A bar scene is for other kinds of communication, and the loud music and distraction does not make for truly focused discussions.

*Practiced listening skills are key, in that one cannot be listening to another if they are already trying to figure out what their own next sentence will be.  Actively work to not just remain silent (which is not all that "listening" is), but to also hear what is being said.  Active listening involves responses that let others know we are following them, are curious about details, want to know more, can relate to what they are saying, and are truly interested and have heard what they've just said.  Rushing in to turn the topic focus to oneself is not the idea.

*Eye contact, or at least facing one another if outdoors or wearing sunglasses, is a way of showing interest.  Looking away, or over the top of someone's shoulder only says, "I'm not really interested in whatever it is you are saying."  Today we have a very big problem with people looking down at their phones or computers and not really demonstrating attention when others are speaking to them.  Bragging that you are only "multi-tasking" doesn't help the other person feel you are truly present for them.  So put gadgets away and bring your full attention into the present.  When it comes to meditational conversation you are either "fully" present, or you are not.  Partial presence is not fully present.

*When it's your turn to speak, don't dominate the airspace too much, but also don't deadpan or respond with one-word replies.  That causes an imbalance in conversation in which the other person has to "carry the load" of the entire conversation by themselves, and it also says you are not bringing yourself to the moment and are not participating fairly in conversation.

*A good conversation is done with just one other person.  Many good talks can come with more people present, but all involved would need to practice these meditative skills and as the crowd grows, the listening skills and etiquette tends to meander.

Meditative conversation with another can be relaxing and enjoyable, especially if both individuals are fully present.  Try this with a good friend or companion and see how different a conversation can be.

Thanks to vxla for the great photo
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Reducing Stress by Unplugging

In an era that revolves around computers and cell phones, we sometimes just need to unplug.  But what does that really mean?

It's not just the physical presence of a computer--its screen and keyboard; or a cell phone, with its thumb typing and scrolling that keeps us distracted from the life that exists right in front of us.  It's everything that comes with those machines.  Such as emails that fill our message box.  Voice messages that must be listened to and replied to.  Updates that require our attention.  Battery charging that has to be addressed throughout the day.  Tones and sounds that alert us all day to who is trying to reach us or what message type we just received (i.e., voice, email, page, etc.).

And then, there is the constant, unquenched human sense of curiosity that keeps us glued to our devices in order to extract endless information.  Anything at all we might be curious about can be typed in to one of our handy devices at any time, and it will produce enough information for us to feel we've gathered at least a piece of the answer.  Right there.  On the spot.

But we are forgetting what it really means to be human beings, and since we aren't the machines our machines push us to be, we need to go back now and then and remember to just be human.

Human is much more non-mechanical than a machine is.  Human beings need rest and it's clear we don't go as fast as machines do.  When we try to, we exhaust ourselves and then wonder why we are so tired.  Much of today's stress is caused when human beings attempt to keep up with a world pace that has exceeded their ability.  When this world pace pushes us on a daily basis to constantly stay plugged in, it's imperative that we take the initiative to intentionally unplug now and then.  This means putting the phone down, leaving the laptop at home, shutting off alerts, and yes, even unplugging completely sometimes.

If you find that just one day is more than you can handle to be away from your electronic connection to the world, then start out slow.  Try going for just one hour to begin with, and work you way up.  Leave the phone in the car during some events, or shut it off and set a timer in order to not turn it back on until the timer goes off.  Consider unplugging your computer an hour before bed and not plugging it back in until morning.  See how you do.

The point is that machines and humans are not the same thing.  A human being is not a machine.  It's a living organism and living things need rest and restoration periods in order to prevent and reduce stress.  When we become identified with our machines, we forget that they are not who we are and to put them down now and then and let the body rest, is one of the best things you can do to reduce your anxiety and stress level.

Thanks to theilr for the great photo
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Social Support: How it can Reduce Stress

Though it's healthy to develop the ability to enjoy one's own company and have a certain skill in doing things alone, there is also a need to find emotional and psychological support from others, and spending time in the company of like-minds and familiar friends has been shown to result in the lowering of stress, anxiety, and depression.

In addition, isolation leaves us in the company of only one set of ideas... our own.  And if our ideas about life are negative or we tend to do a lot of catastrophic thinking, we have only ourselves to listen to day and night, and only our own catastrophic conclusions to come to.

That's why it's important to break out of our shell now and then and seek out the company of others-- be they friends, family, or new acquaintances, because it is in this occasional arena that we remember our human nature and the social aspect that comes with it.

Even if you are an introvert and need your down time to re-energize, too much isolation can only lead to more anxiety and stress since it does not offer any of the interactive human needs such as conversation, validation, support, encouragement, or many of the other perks that come from social interaction with other human beings.  The key for introverts is to know how much human interaction you need, and to set boundaries from there.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

*Consider taking a class at your local recreation center.  It's a way to meet other people and get out into the community where you hear the voices and opinions of others.

*Ask a coworker to lunch.  Even if it doesn't go well, you have introduced a new view and personality into your day, that is different from your own.

*Attend a meetup group that you find interesting.  Meeting others of like-minds and like-interests can lead to life long friendships.

*Call an acquaintance and ask them to lunch, dinner, or simply for coffee and conversation.

*Join a local competitive group such as softball, golf, chess, running, etc.  It really doesn't matter if you join to win, the point is getting involved and meeting others who do the same.

"We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone,... alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders."    ~Maya Angelou

Thanks to cuatrok77 for the great photo
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Play for Grown Ups: Reduce Stress and Balance Your Life

It's easy for adults to drift away from play once they put childhood behind them, but it's also important to recapture play once in awhile--even as adults--in order to maintain a healthy and balanced adult life.

So what is "play" for an adult?  Play is "activity done for enjoyment and recreation rather than for serious or practical purposes."

When we think of play, we typically think of children and their endless energy, games and activity.  Not to mention the laughter involved in their activities.

For adults, play holds the same kind of action and creativity as it does for children, but has a few differences.  Though children are using play to develop their minds and bodies, adults can use play to stay healthy, happy, and even to reduce stress created by lives that require of us that we stay serious, mature, and focused for so much of the time.

Play can range from card games with friends, to making cookies or building something with wood.  What is "fun" and "playful" is unique to each person since what is fun for one, is never always fun for all.  It's what brings you joy and laughter.

Here are some ideas to get your Inner Child hopping:

-Climb a Tree
-Try finger painting
-Go swimming at a water park (take some water toys)
-Go ride a bike
-Go dancing
-Go kite flying
-Have a water balloon fight
-Play with your cat or dog
-Go to an amusement park
-Play a board game
-Try snow-shoeing or cross country skiing
-Ride a Ferris wheel or Merry-Go-Round
-Find a go kart race track
-Join a softball or bowling team

Thanks to Ivan Dimitrov for the great photo (left side cropping)
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Catastrophic Thinking: Challenging Faulty Thinking Styles

According to Terror Management Theory (TMT), we human beings go out of our way to avoid the reality that we will all, eventually, die.  Much of our everyday anxiety can be traced to this fear and the avoidance behavior that follows.  In fact, you've probably already felt unease by this photo of the famous sculpture, The Kiss of Death, which has a tendency to have mixed responses from viewers who are either drawn to it or repulsed.

Our fear of death can drive us to perform a lot of avoidance behaviors in life.  From avoiding a drive on the street closest to the cemetery, to drinking or using other substances to numb out from the reality that life has limitations and will not go on forever.  A healthier approach to the reality of death is to come to terms with it in a way that allows you to live your life as fully and meaningfully as possible without denying its eventual end.  Extreme avoidance of this reality can lead to delusional, faulty, and catastrophic thinking.

Many of the more common anxieties among humans stem from this typically unconscious fear of death, including the fear of traveling over bridges, the fear of heights, the fear of traffic, and the fear of dangerous animals.  But what really happens when fear takes hold is a faulty thinking style called Catastrophic Thinking.

In Catastrophic Thinking, people tend to leap from a first thought, such as, "What if the bridge collapses?", to a rapid set of thoughts that are unconscious, and which trigger each other like dominoes falling one on the other.  As the fear thoughts are triggered, they eventually end in a catastrophic thought such as, "I'll die", or "I'll be injured or unable to survive", or "I won't be able to handle it, and that  will be the end."

Catastrophic Thinking can be approached with a couple of coping skills.  First, we can practice something called Positive What Ifs, in which we rethink the fear thoughts and trigger a whole new set of feelings.  For instance, we might consider "What if the bridge does not fall?  Then what?"  This question promotes a new set of thoughts that like before, trigger each other like dominoes falling, but the end result is a thought such as, "Well, then I'd just walk across it and go on with my day."

Another approach to tackling Catastrophic Thinking is to use a scaling question in which a scale from 1 to 100 is used to rationalize the thinking.  On the scale, 100 represents the chances that the event will actually happen.  If you are 100% sure an event will happen, then you would rate the fear thought at 100%.  But if you use some rationalizing, then you would first ask questions such as, "If the bridge has been there for years and has never fallen, then the chances of it falling today when I walk over it are about 5% or less."  Realizing the rational helps lower fears and reduce the chance of catastrophic thinking, as well as the anxiety that would follow.

The thing to remember is that our brain is wired to be on the lookout for dangers because we have a survival instinct and fear death, but we can sometimes over-do it with our worry and begin to think our way into fearing death a little too much.  To believe that things are more dangerous than they really are is a form of faulty thinking, but we can reduce or minimize unnecessary faulty thinking by practicing our rational exercises and disputing negative thoughts.

Thanks to feistytortilla for the great photo
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Learned Helplessness: Stress Solutions in the face of Mass Shootings

Since the recent mass shooting in Florida, I am hearing a general sense of hopelessness and helplessness expressed among those I talk to.  There is an expressed feeling that, "It's never going to stop", or "It's just getting worse."  I'm hearing from people the belief that there is nothing that can be done to stop this growing problem or to change things, but these conclusions stem from the belief that we are powerless and helpless over the situation.

The research that was done by Martin Seligman in 1967 on Learned Helplessness taught us that we are capable of believing that we are helpless when, in fact, we are not.  Once this belief sets in, depression can take root as people gather a sense that there is no hope.

What Seligman's research taught us as well, was that once this belief sets in, we can become a bit blind to any actual solution or path that leads out of a seemingly hopeless situation, and the result is that we begin to give up trying to find a path out.

The solution, of course, is to become aware of the open doors and paths that can lead back to a sense of grounding or footing that feels even the slightest empowering, inspiring, and motivating.

When I asked people recently what they themselves could do to try to bring change to the world regarding mass shootings, many felt powerless to find an answer.  It seemed some felt their answer would not be good enough, and others seemed to worry that something might be expected of them if they suggested a possibility.  The sense of powerlessness also resulted in expressed anger that many have directed at various targets.  The NRA.  The politicians.  Child rearing practices.  Men.

These feelings are understandable as each individual tries to sort out for themselves what the problem could be.  It's very human of us to try to identify the problem so we can resolve it somehow.  But if we feel overwhelmed by the problem, and not fully sure of the solution, we may begin to slide into that abyss of helpless feelings that lead to depression and surrender.

One of the keys to this problem for each of us, is to search within ourselves to try to determine what we personally can do to move society as a whole toward a remedy of the problem.  Even if it seems like just one small step onto the path that leads us all toward a solution.  There are small things each of us can do now to try to help.

For one thing, check your own passive-aggressive behavior at home and in the workplace.  Be the non-violent role model you want to see in the world.  In addition, become comfortable with your own sense of human anger so when others express theirs, you don't shut them down or stop listening because you are so uncomfortable with the emotion.  Unheard anger gets stuffed and ends up coming out in ways none of us want to see or experience.

There are lots of people right now making attempts to create change regarding our growing history of mass shootings.  If you are having a hard time coming up with an idea or solution to champion, then get on board with someone elses' project to raise funds for metal detectors, or raise awareness for changing gun laws, or parent-child conflict skills training, all of which move us down the path that does exists for reaching a solution.  Don't assume that someone else will take care of the whole thing or that someone else "should" take care of it for you.  Get involved and be a part of the energy for change.

It's very important to look most strongly in the mirror at yourself and what you personally can do to participate.  From protesting to writing letters, from making a call to making a donation, from writing a blog to volunteering.  There is a path out of this, but it's not something that each of us is helpless to.  It's also not something that only everyone "else" is going to do.  The reality is that you are not helpless.  Each one of us can do something and if everyone of us does something, the whole of our society moves along the path one step at a time towards the solutions that do exist.

Thanks to Brenda Clarke  for her wonderful photo
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Stress Reduction and Hot Springs Mineral Pools

A popular way to relax and unwind is to soak in one of the many natural hot springs pools from around the world.

These thermal springs have water temperatures higher than the air temperature in the surrounding area.  The water has been heated by shallow areas of molten rock.

The water found in these springs contains many different kinds of minerals, which have been found to improve blood circulation.

Soaking in the warm mineral waters can sooth sore muscles, relieve pain, help with skin problems, and reduce joint pain.  All of these combined lead to a more relaxed body and mind.

If you are a resident of Colorado, you are in luck because we have plenty of hot springs in the area.  Here is a list of 30 different springs in the area you can try:  

30 Colorado Hot Springs

There are some rules to follow when you visit one of these locations in order to make sure you don't over do it.  First of all, RELAX.  Take your time and remember to go with the full intention of relaxation.  Be sure to take water with you!  Drink water 15 minutes before entering any hot springs pool, and after soaking in limited intervals, drink more water during breaks.

While soaking, practice your mindfulness meditation.  Relax the body, relax the mind.  It's a time to put your worries away and not try to solve life's problems.  Let the warm mineral water heal and re-energize you.  There will be plenty of time to work on life's issues another time.

As they say in the Lion King... "Hakuna Matata"  (No worries).

Thanks to Chi Tranter for the great photo of Snow Monkeys

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