Suffering: Learning to Sit in the Discomfort of Temporary Feelings

According to the philosophy of Buddhism, one of the Four Noble Truths is that all of life is suffering.  Or better put, suffering is just a part of life.  But you might say you have good and happy days, so not "all" of life is suffering.  But the idea is that if you think those good and happy days will last, you will suffer.  Reality will wake you to the fact that all things constantly change (which is another of the Four Noble Truths), and that even good and happy days will change.  So learning to sit with suffering is a skill that can lower anxiety and stress, which is related to our faulty beliefs that life should be good all the time.  In fact, another of the Four Noble truths is that suffering can end when we stop hanging on to such beliefs that life should have no suffering, or if it does have suffering, we should be exempt from it and have a way out.

Now, this doesn't mean we should go around seeking things to suffer about.  Nor does it mean we should try to find joy in suffering, or pretend it's not really true suffering.  But the idea behind learning to sit with suffering when it occurs is to help us see that we can be present even when things aren't going so swell.  It also helps us see that suffering doesn't last any more than happiness does.  They both occur, but nothing (not even joy or sadness), lasts indefinitely.

For example, when a person is trying to break a bad habit, such as drinking, they may find that when cravings come, they are suffering.  To run from the suffering they might reach for alcohol or other substances to try to make the discomfort stop.  But if an individual can learn to sit in the discomfort instead, they will eventually see that cravings don't last, and so the suffering doesn't either.  But if we try to run from the reality of life's discomforts, we only get even more uncomfortable and suffer even more.

So too, when we experience anxiety it's also a good idea to try to decipher if it's the kind of anxiety that just comes with life, or if it is excessive anxiety.  If it is normal to feel anxiety about a particular event in life, then trying to escape it might not be the best answer.  Avoidant behavior and isolation can prevent the realization that anxiety doesn't last any more than relaxation does.  Therefore, trying small steps towards exposing oneself to the stressful life event is good medicine.  Taken in small steps, one can learn to face some of the more anxiety provoking things that come with life.  

One of the things that Buddhists learn from practicing meditation is that sitting for prolonged periods of time is actually very difficult.  Your legs fall asleep.  Your back hurts.  Your seat hurts.  You want to scratch an itch on your nose but are encouraged to not move.  And so suffering is in full force.  But what happens is that the meditator learns that when the final bell rings to signal that the round of meditation is over, everything changes, and the question is... did the practitioner miss the whole thing because they were only focused on how to escape all of that suffering?  Or were they sitting in the discomfort as a practice in the present moment of what was really happening.  In only the latter case does one learn to accept that life is not all happiness and comfort, nor should it be.

If we spend most of our life trying to escape suffering, we don't really experience life itself, because as was said at the start of this article... reality is full of suffering.  It's a part of what life is.  Running from suffering is what substance abuse, over-spending, over-eating, gambling, excessive sex, and many other behaviors looks like.  But all of these just lead to more awareness of the facts of life.  That it's going to keep changing, and it's going to be full of many moods, many feelings, many events, and none will be permanent.

Anything we want to do to make improvements in our lives will come with some form of suffering.  It's up to us if we want to perfect our skill of studying suffering and what we are like when in it, or if we want to perfect our skill of pretending we can escape the sufferings that come with human life and live in the false belief that we should be exempt from that reality.

You can find my previous blog entery about learning to accept things as they are, rather than always wanting them to be other than what they really are here.

"It's not impermanence that makes us suffer.  What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not."     ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Thanks to Brett Jordan for the great image, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Expecting Change: A Way to Reduce Anxiety

In Buddhism there is something called "The Three Marks of Existence".  They are:  Impermanence, Suffering, and Non-Self.  All three are interrelated and are very interesting to study, but for the sake of this blog we will focus on Impermanence. 

Most people around the world right now felt (and are still feeling) the change that COVID-19 caused in our ordinary lives.  The virus was an abrupt interruption to our illusion that whatever it is we are doing, or whatever it is that is happening in our world at any given time, will just keep on going as it is. 

The reality of death and sickness interrupt (or wake) us in this way, and so does aging.  But biologically, and psychologically it seems, we humans can only handle so much change at once before we get overwhelmed and stressed out.  When change comes extremely fast we can suffer shock, such as when we are in a sudden accident or traumatized otherwise.  But other changes, such as the COVID virus, that altered the way we work, function, and live are also things that comparably have a rapid onset and force change faster than can be adjusted or adapted to.

So if you feel like you are just now coming out of a little bit of shock in regards to the sudden demand for change that has been brought on by the COVID virus, and the way it has affected the world and human behavior, you are not alone.  Many of us are beginning to shake our heads and ask..."What in the world just happened?"

But something else that stands out about the COVID situation is the change that has been demanded of us all.  If you were (are) not trying to figure out how to set up a doable ability to work from home, you were (are) at least pushed to do your grocery shopping differently.  From the way we interact, such as greeting one another with foot or elbow bumps instead of handshakes, to the way we line up now to wait our turn to just shop in a store.  Or if your hours were reduced at work, or you were laid off completely, the change is something many cannot escape, and something that has come in abundance.

So the idea behind impermanence as a "mark of existence" is that change is always going to be a part of life.  And we only suffer when we want that fact to be other than what it is.  When we find something we like, we try to grasp onto it and keep it "forever", but no matter how hard we try, it will change.  And when we find something that we dislike, we try to escape it or avoid ever coming nose-to-nose with it again.  But the truth is, we will most likely run into it again someday in a different form--be it pain, illness, financial stress, heartbreak, or any other of the harder events in life.  Our existence has both and they constantly change from one into the other.

So, COVID helps to remind us that nothing lasts forever.  Not good things, and not bad things.  It reminds us that we only suffer when we think it should be otherwise.  When we want (desire) COVID to not exist, to go away faster than it can or will, when our favorite store closes because of the virus, and when we can't do things as we are used to doing them, we only suffer by wanting the whole existence of that reality to be different than what it really is.  COVID is an incredible lesson and reminder that impermanence is indeed a "mark of our existence", and we can have less anxiety and suffer much less when we keep this in mind.

COVID-19 Corona Virus: Awareness of Terror Management Theory

No  matter where we are or what we are doing, there is an awareness we carry--be it conscious or unconscious--that our lives will eventually end in death.  And there are plenty of things we do to try to comfort ourselves when the awareness of this truth comes too close to consciousness.  Terror Management Theory (TMT) is the study of this phenomenon, and it has much to tell us about our human behavior when it comes to awareness of death.

In light of the recent COVID-19 (Corona Virus) pandemic that has taken the world's humans by the psychological throat and rendered them terrified beyond belief, it is important that we try to better understand what we are doing as humans and how our brains function , yes.  But more importantly,  how they can frequently function with flaw and error.

Terror Management Theory originally derived from Ernest Becker and his book The Denial of Death, but it is championed today by three main researchers:  Jeff Greenberg, Sheldon Solomon, and Tom Pyszczynski.  Together they have come up with some fascinating research about our awareness of death and how it influences our behavior, and more specifically, our beliefs.

Take, for instance, the current human behavior regarding information about the COVID-19 virus. It is safe to say that people are scared.  Just the information and updates about global deaths occurring from the virus has everyone on edge.  Behavior has been altered as evidenced in the buying out of toilet paper, food products, and the stocking up on disinfectant cleaners and hand sanitizers.

But at the heart of all of this is a human behavior that has been studied and identified by the three researchers named above, who together wrote the book, The Worm at the Core:  On the Role of Death in Life.  Basically what they have to say is that our current behavior tends to be affected by our current awareness of our inevitable death.  And at any given time, we may therefore use a bundle of tactics to wipe that awareness from our current awareness simply to maintain a sense of human functioning and self-esteem.  Of course, this makes sense, as it is very hard to maintain a sense of meaning and goal-oriented functioning when we are constantly aware that our own life and the lives of others we may know and love, will eventually end.

What's interesting in their studies, however, is that when we are made more aware of our inevitable death, such as we are now with the daily bombardment in the media regarding COVID-19, our behavior alters because this information clashes with our basic survival instincts.  What they found in their work is that humans prefer to push awareness of death as far away from awareness as possible, and when people are struggling to do this--such as now, due to the introduction of death awareness via the nightly news--they tend to begin using faulty thinking and behavior.

For instance, we begin to make up ideas and beliefs about how we don't really ever die.  Such as reincarnation, life-after-death, and an ongoing future existence in an after-realm.  In addition, we begin to seek out only those that think just like we do, which the research has found, leads to bigotry and prejudice.  So basically, we begin to "manage our terror" of death in these faulty ways, as a form of self-created survival instinct.  Our human confusion and conflict between "terror of death" and "instinct to survive", looks for ways to solve it.  Interestingly, the human brain begins to make mistakes about reality just so-as to convince itself there is plenty of reason to keep focusing on the "instinct to survive".  We give ourselves false hope by making up scenarios in which death never comes.

Why is this important now?  In the face of the COVID-19 virus?  It's important because we need to realize as human beings that we can be aware of our inevitable death AND also function with our survival instincts on a daily basis, WITHOUT falling into the trap of faulty thinking.  More toilet paper and food in the freezer will not eventually put an end to death.  But embracing reality (i.e., that death eventually comes), can instead help us to live more in the present moment.  Though we may understandably have an awareness that death comes, we may also know that in the present moment "I am alive and breathing".  In moderation, we can prepare for illness, quarantine if necessary, and yes... even prepare for death if it comes.  But we cannot stop death and we cannot wish it away with a mythological fantasy.

In some forms of Buddhism, monks might be asked to meditate while seated in a field next to a decomposing body.  Each day, they return to meditate in the vicinity of this decaying human body in order to help them see that death comes to all of us.  Even to the meditating monk.  Eventually the monk becomes aware of much more than death.  They become aware that the only place life truly exists, is in the present moment, and in each breath.  Existentially, awareness of death can make us more aware of the urgency of life.  Terror Management Theory study can help us see the ways in which we try to deny awareness of death, and try to convince ourselves it will never happen to us.

In the face of COVID-19, work to remind yourself that death is real and does come in time to us all.  It doesn't mean you don't take precautions to protect yourself and others by washing your hands and not touching your face.  It doesn't mean that you don't quarantine when necessary or avoid some social gatherings for awhile.  It doesn't mean you don't stock up (in moderation) on enough food and supplies to be in that quarantine if necessary.  And it doesn't mean you act as if this precious one life is not worth protecting and prolonging.

What it does mean is that we can breathe into the awareness that some things in life we cannot control.  But we can breathe into this very moment and know we are here and alive RIGHT NOW!  We don't have to trick our mind into believing things that aren't true just so we can sleep at night.  It is possible to be aware of the reality of life (and death) limitations, as well as live each moment to its fullest.  Approaching the COVID-19 virus situation with moderation is a sound decision.  Stock up if you need to.  Wash your hands and disinfect, as you should.  But know that death comes, and... you can live with that awareness.

Here are some helpful videos about Terror Management Theory (TMT) and Corpse Meditation:

Stephen Caves:  The 4 Stories we tell ourselves about death
https://www.ted.com/talks/stephen_cave_the_4_stories_we_tell_ourselves_about_death?language=en

Sheldon Solomon:  How Death Affects Everything You Do
https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=N9D6TW2CjhE

Corpse Meditation (The Washington Times)
https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2005/jan/3/20050103-123230-5077r/

Thanks to Mathias Ripp for the great photo from Bamberg Germany
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Relaxing with the Mindful practice of Tea Time.

Sometimes the simplest form of relaxation is found in the simplest of activities, like sitting down for a relaxing cup of tea.  You can add it to your daily relaxation routine--be it sitting for meditation, or adding it to your mindful meal, or reading time.

To keep it as simple as possible, try applying mindfulness to your tea time routine.  In other words, be present for everything from getting the tea pot, to selecting the tea cup.

If you invite all of your senses to be a part of the present moment of this activity, you become more aware of the smell, sight, sound, feel and taste of everything you are doing.

If your thoughts wander during this task, just notice that they have done so.  Then, without judgment--and especially without self-judgement--bring your focus back to the task at hand.  And if the mind wanders again, repeat!

Notice the feel of the cup, the sight of the steam rising, and the sound of the boiling water.  Take the time to smell the tea as you pour or prepare it.

Without judgment means without deciding "good or bad", "right or wrong way", "enjoyable or non-enjoyable", "tasty or bitter", etc.  In other words, you are not placing a judgment of any kind on the task.  You are in the moment of tea moment without moving into labeling and judging the tea moment.  It is "just this" tea moment.

Your tea does not have to be that of an expert or that of an amateur.  It can be expensive loose leaf tea or a bag of that you grew up with from the grocery store.  It doesn't matter if it's herbal or decaffeinated.  There is no one judging your authenticity.  It's just you, the aroma, the smoothness of the cup, the warmth of the tea, and the mindfulness of each sip.  There is no way it should be, and no way it ought not to be, nor is there any comparison of how it's done by others.

It's just tea, in this moment, with full awareness.  Watching thoughts come and go, and returning to the present moment.  Noticing your breath come and go, and returning to the present.  Repeatedly returning to the moment is a practice of meditation.  And staying in the present moment in this way is to be in the only place that actually ever exists.  That is, in this never-ending and yet, ever-changing, unfolding moment.

Thanks to Sheila Sund for the great photo
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Transforming Suffering to Reduce Stress and Anxiety

In Buddhism the lotus flower is very symbolic for the path of enlightenment.  It's the lotus flower that grows up out of muddy water and represents a person's journey through suffering in life (i.e., rising up out of that mud to become a beautiful flower).  It's actually the mud itself that makes you strong.  Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a book about this called, "No Mud, No Lotus:  The Art of Transforming Suffering."  

Now, this doesn't mean we should go around looking for things to suffer about.  Life offers plenty of suffering just as it is.  What does happen, however, is that we need to be alert to the ways we make great, and even elaborate attempts to avoid suffering and this is what causes our suffering.  In other words, we can't avoid the realities of life.  Sickness and death come, and discomfort is sometimes a part of our daily living.  We can't always have what we'd like or live in the luxury we'd prefer.  And it is the desire for things to be other than what they actually are, that leads to the most suffering.

There are lots of ways we try to avoid suffering:  Drugs and alcohol, shopping, sex, gambling, entertainment, money, workaholism, eating, etc.  If we give these up, we return to experiencing the realities of life.  That is, that sometimes there might not be something to fill your time, or sometimes there are losses, breakups, empty feelings.  Sometimes we are depressed, sad, tearful, lonely, and yet if we try to escape these by filling the time with some of the above bad habits, it only makes life worse.

So learning to suffer through some of this mud in life is key to finding our way to reducing stress and anxiety, or challenging depression and sadness.  Learning to endure the discomforts that life can serve us is important and it's this "mud" that makes us strong enough to grow up out of it, and rise above the waterline in life to bloom as the lotus flowers we are.

The lotus flower grows up and out of the water and stands prominently above it with bright colors of white, red, pink, gold, etc.  These flowers shine in the sun and have multiple pedals which are also symbolic for the beauty of one's enlightenment.  But none of this would happen without the mud (the struggle and suffering) that this great flower is rooted in.

So too with you, that you must learn to endure the difficulties in life and not expect it to be other than what it really is.  Sometimes we have natural and normal anxiety and sometimes we are not always so happy.  The good news is that none of these states is permanent and you can be sure they (and you) will change and transform, just like the lotus flower does.

Thanks to Rajeev K for the great photo
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

The Relaxing Quality of Nature

As the world continues to advance and turn to technology to function, the human beings that create the technology search for ways to get back to nature and unplug whenever possible.  The goal is to not get bogged down in the gadgets that were initially meant to make life simpler, but that have instead, created a faster and more demanding world.

No matter how much technology has helped humans to simplify their lives, it has also reminded them that humans are still a part of nature, and also a part of all of the other living beings on this planet that move and function with the forces of nature.

In other words, humans are not the machines they create!  A human being continues to move with the seasons and the natural rise and set of the sun.  Humans need sleep, sunshine, and enough relaxation to renew the changing human body that works tirelessly sometimes to meet its needs.  That's why it's important for human beings to get back out and into nature whenever possible.

There is no debate that it's not natural for the human body to sit at a computer all day.  It's not even natural for it to sit at a desk all day.  For example, it's not natural for the human eyes to focus on an office wall or computer screen all day that is only inches or feet away.  The human eye is meant to look close and far, and sometimes within the same task, such as looking at the mountain tops in the distance and then at the flowers at one's feet.  It's important to step away from your desk now and then and aim your eyes at a distant target such as the horizon or distant landscape.

The human body begins to become unstable when it doesn't walk enough or stand enough or move enough.  And the various senses that the human body uses, need to be exercised frequently in order to stay sharp and function well.  Human instincts can't be sharp if they are not used for anything more than scrolling up and down a computer screen, or for typing.

When looking at what the various culprits are that contribute to your stress, measure the list of items that put demand on your body in the way we might put demand on a machine.  Machines are expected to function non-stop, repeatedly, and many times as fast as they can possibly function.  But human beings can't function that way for long.  Think of getting out and into nature as a way to recalibrate your body and instincts so as to help you remember you are human, and not a machine.

Thanks to Elisa Bracco for the wonderful photo
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Reduce stress: Stop wanting things to be other than what they really are

In the forest, when a hunter fires his or her weapon, the shattering blast explodes in the silence of the gentle trees and streams.  The animals are startled and some stand frozen in place, wondering what danger has entered the boundaries of their otherwise safe and quiet home.

And so it is among us humans when another mass shooting has taken place.  Our modern "forests" are much louder, busier, and hectic; but we freeze all the same when the explosion of danger has entered the arena of what we had taken to be a safe and enjoyable surrounding.

So too, with the newest of public shootings occurring in Las Vegas, we can't help but be like the animals in the forest--startled, hyper vigilant, confused and afraid.

Yet, the reality of these events is something we cannot turn away from.  More than ever it's important for us to look even closer at what the problem could be and what we can do to try to remedy this increasing phenomena--which statistics show is now occurring more frequently and more severely with each new event?

If we are to help put an end to such events in the world, we have to begin within ourselves and deal with the issues festering inside each one of us.  Of the many suggestions that are sure to flood the stage in the aftermath of this event, I start by offering the suggestion that  we each try on this idea:

STOP WANTING THINGS TO BE OTHER THAN WHAT THEY REALLY ARE!

Look at your own life and ask yourself what things you personally are frustrated with because they just aren't going your way.  The boss "should" act a certain way, and isn't.  The kids "should" be more respectful, and aren't.  The traffic "should" roll more smoothly, and doesn't.  You "should" be getting paid more and fairly, and aren't.  The list is endless.  Whatever it is, you believe it should be going some other way than it is, and if it's not, then frustration sets in.

On a small scale, these are the seedlings of emotion that, when ruminated upon, can lead to violence that is expressed outwardly and into the world where others can get hurt.  If someone wants the world to go a certain way, then when it doesn't, frustration grows into anger, and anger become rage.  When an individual can't control how things are going in life,  they might try to find ways to gain control by any means.  That's why it's important that we teach the children of our society what tolerance is, and not just tolerance for others, but also for disappointments and let downs that are an inevitable part of everyone's life.

Both anxiety and depression can also be reduces with a focus on this task.  To believe that life will never have anxiety or depression is completely unrealistic, but knowing that life will have it's ups and downs, and that when things don't go your way, you can cope without feeding the fire by ruminations that convince you that life should be something other than what it really is at the moment.

Learn what you can "reasonably" change (non-violently), and never ever convince yourself that if you can't have what you want in life (i.e., if life is not going the way you want it to), that you must destroy something to show the world the magnitude of your frustration.

Thanks to jseliger2 for the great photo - frustration

All Things are Impermanent

The changing seasons are always a good reminder that nothing ever stays the same.  Everything changes.  When it's Summer, you can be sure, it won't be Summer forever; and when it's Winter, you can also be sure, it will eventually change into Spring.  And just as the seasons change, so does everything else.  Including our moods.

When Fall changes come and the days seem shorter as the number of hours of daylight decrease, many people fall victim to bouts of depression.  It's easy to get trapped into the belief that when in a depressed mood, one might never escape.  "I've been like this forever."  "Nothing ever changes it."  "It'll never get better."  But typically, moods change and you realize that episodes of depression don't last forever.  Depressions lift, moods change, and others will replace them in time.

These consistent human changes are true for anxiety as well.  When anxiety surfaces, it can be accompanied by over-generalized thoughts that include word descriptions of "permanence".  Such as, "this feeling will never stop", or "I'm always going to be this way."  They include words such as, "never", "always", "forever" and "never-ending".  But in reality, episodes of anxiety are also not permanent and in time, will change to something else.  When experiencing them, you can ease some of your cognitive suffering by reminding yourself, "This won't last forever", "It's not permanent", and, "This feeling will pass or change", etc.

Learning to sit through the discomfort of seasons (or moods) that are not particularly your favorite, is part of accepting reality as it is.  Does that mean you should never take medication for depression or anxiety?  Not at all.  That would be like saying you should never choose to use a blanket in the winter when the temperatures drop.  Medication, like a blanket, is a matter of choice, and sometimes survival.

The point is, to try not to get trapped in hopeless internal self-talk in which you convince yourself that whatever discomfort you may currently feel will last forever and that you will be a hopeless victim to it.  Just keep in mind that -- like the seasons -- all things change in time.  Including your current mood.

Thanks to Bernard Spragg. NZ for the great photo
https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/zero/1.0/

Reducing Anxiety by letting life Unfold

The one thing we can be sure of in life is that things will change.  Nothing stays the same.  Some change is so gradual that we can hardly see it unless we witness some kind of time-lapse evidence such as video or photos that show us "quickly" what we cannot notice when in the middle of the event itself.

Changes that happen more abruptly are harder on we human beings because we spend a large portion of our time living in a delusion in which we convince ourselves that once things are "good", we can somehow keep them that way, or that change will disappear and happiness will remain.

We seem to want the good things to last forever, and the bad things to end as quickly as possible.  So we spend our time striving for things we consider pleasant, and running from things we consider unpleasant.

But here is the truth--and you don't have to believe it from me-- look at it for yourself.  Nothing does Not change!  Or said differently, Everything changes.  Everything!

The torture takes place the most when we try to get things we like to remain indefinitely, and when we try to get things we dislike, to be different from what they are.  How many times have you gone back to repeat something fun, only to find yourself disappointed because it "wasn't like last time"?

From the day we are born, until the day we die, change is happening and we suffer the most when we don't want that reality to be true.  Instead, learning to move more gracefully with change can increase  your sense of well-being and reduce your stress and anxiety.

One way to re-frame this never-ending cycle of change that comes with life, is to think of it more as an "unfolding".  When something is unfolding it has a perpetual movement to it.  You can label the movement "good" or "bad", but it's not really necessary.  It's just what is unfolding.  Some of the unfolding is pleasant, and some is unpleasant, but none of these states are permanent.  Be it pleasant or unpleasant, it will change.  It's only a matter of time.

Thanks to Liz West for the great photo - Melting
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/