ASMR: A Relaxing Sensation for Reducing Stress and Anxiety

ASMR, or Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, is a very interesting relaxation phenomenon that existed long before it was named by Jennifer Allen, a cybersecurity professional who had experienced certain bodily sensations throughout her life and found people online talking about similar sensations.  So she got involved in the discussion, started a Facebook page and eventually came up with a name for the phenomenon, which is sometimes called "the tingles".

But be careful here, it's not sex, sexuality, or sexual arousal, yet it gets mixed up with that at times and was quickly headed towards terms like "brain orgasm", or "head orgasm" before Allen specifically selected the word "meridian" in the naming of it to clarify that there is a peak or "climax" of tingling sensation that should not be described as "orgasmic" because the word tends to insinuate a sexual climatic reference.  It is an automatic sensory feeling in the body, a tingling sensation, that frequently begins at the back or top of the head and spreads down across the shoulders and for some, throughout the body.

Okay, that clarified.  Let's look at how ASMR helps many to relax, fall asleep, wind down from the day, or otherwise reduce stress and anxiety.

ASMR is a pleasant, often tingly or relaxing sensation that some people experience in response to particular sounds, visuals or interpersonal situations.  Frequently it involves "no talking", but for some it can include enjoying "soft whispering" sounds, or "mouthed sounds" or the sound of someone talking very lightly to themselves to the point that what is being said can't be made out.

It can include a myriad of things including the sound of someone drawing or painting, the sound of someone working alone without talking regardless of the task, such as shuffling papers on their desk, tapping away at wood working, working on crafts, repairing items at a workbench, etc. 

It can include soft touch such as getting one's hair cut, having a facial, or other similar soft touch, but again, it's not a sexual touch and this is emphasized repetitively in the information about ASMR.

Since there are so many different kinds of stimulating ASMR, and because it is very individualized (meaning some people may be stimulated by a sound like scratching, and another might be stimulated by the sound of particular movements or gestures, let me give you some examples:

From the internet you may find a video of a man who demonstrates doing shoe shinning.  He does not speak, nor does the person who sits for him wearing the shoes who is never seen.  So the videos are of the sound of the entire shoe shine and thus titled ASMR.  Another example might be a woman who demonstrates scrap booking.  You would hear the sounds of her busily working at cutting and pasting, sorting through her various stickers, maybe lighting a candle, but never any talking.  No music in many of these either because it's not music that stimulates ASMR... it's other kinds of sounds and sensations.

The moment someone begins giving instructions, or talking in lecture or teaching or explanation form, it isn't really an ASMR concept anymore.  It's the other perceptual sounds and movements that seem to "autonomously" trigger the start of "the tingles", and most people who experience this describe it as very relaxing.  Many use some of the now millions of ASMR videos online to help them fall asleep, relax, calm down, or otherwise reduce anxiety.

ASMR is not for everyone and it appears that even if some try, they don't seem to be stimulated by these sounds and perceptions.  So for some it is a mysteriously unfamiliar and odd thing.  Some may even find the sounds that stimulate ASMR in some individuals, to be more annoying than relaxing.  So if you don't find ASMR to be interesting, then it's not a method to include in your stress management toolbox.  But if it is something that works for you, the internet now holds so many possibilities to try, that you are in luck for tapping in to a few of these for yourself.

Keep in mind that even individuals who find ASMR helpful will admit that they are not drawn to all forms of ASMR.  In other words, it's very individualized to the person and what causes "the tingles" in one person, does not cause it in others.  

There has been some research done surrounding ASMR and the evidence does show that a person in the ASMR zone demonstrates lower heart rate and increased skin conductance, meaning there are clear measurable physiological changes happening during this state.  Because all attention is drawn to the immediate environment (its sounds and sensations), it is also considered a form of mindfulness practice which has been found to help draw one's mind away from worry thoughts.  EEG studies have shown changes in brainwave activity during this state and the results have shown results "consistent with sustained relaxation".

Because there are so many variations of ASMR, rather than list sample videos in this blog entry, I would instead suggest you think about what kind of sensations might interest you and do your own internet searches.  For ASMR without talking, just specify in your search "ASMR no talking", or if you are interested in some tasks with soft whispering, enter "Soft whispering ASMR".  If you are interested in crafts, you can google "ASMR arts and crafts", or "ASMR scrap booking".  Most of these internet inquiries will lead you to other forms of ASMR videos to try out, so you may have to explore a bit.

Keep in mind that the historic lean to try and make ASMR a "sexual thing" can still be exploited by those on the internet that want to pull this interesting phenomenon of ASMR in the wrong direction.  So use discernment when doing your internet searches.

"Our bodies communicate to us clearly and specifically, if we are willing to listen to them."       ~Shakti Gawain

Thanks to Tim Reckmann for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/deed.en

Anger: Is it Getting Hot in Here?

I don't know about where you are at in the world, but it's sure been hot in a lot of places.  One thing that research has shown is that aggression increases with heat, and this includes violent crimes, road rage and spouse abuse.  Keep in mind, no one gets to just say, "I did it because it was hot out."  Though we know that these kinds of aggressive acts are associated with heat and hot weather, they don't excuse people from taking responsibility for their actions.  Never-the-less, the facts remain that irritability increases and tolerance for frustration goes down when it's hot out.

What many people don't realize is that both anger and anxiety activate very similar biological reactions in the body.  Both activate the sympathetic nervous system, which is the system responsible for the "fight-or-flight" reaction.  That means that both anger and anxiety trigger all of the following in the body:  increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, rapid or shallow breathing, muscle tension, sweating, trembling or shaking, dry mouth, increased alertness, restlessness, and even a surge of energy.

Just like with anxiety, the full reaction to anger can depend on how a situation is being interpreted.  With anxiety, we can misinterpret a situation as more dangerous than it really is, and so too with anger, we can interpret a situation as more threatening than it factually is.  For instance, being cut off in traffic can lead to a belief that the other driver "did that on purpose" and "threatened your safety" and therefore the reaction can be one of road rage.  One could just as easily see it as a time to tap on the brake a little and give the other person some room to go on their way.  Just like with anxiety, the severity of our biological symptoms can depend greatly on the accuracy of our perception and belief about what is happening in the present moment.  Faulty thinking styles sneak in no matter if we are anxious or angry, they can feed the severity of fight-or-flight symptoms.

When temperatures rise there are plenty of things you can do to try to avoid anger and outbursts.  First of all, it's important to address the biological need to stay cool, which can directly address the discomfort that can lead to irritability.  If you are prone to anger, try to stay hydrated in the hot summer months. Move indoors to air-conditioned settings and drink cool fluids or try a cool shower.  If those are not possible you can try to cool the hands by running them under cold water.  Make sure you at least get some breaks from the heat by getting indoors or into some shade.

In addition, monitor yourself for early warning signs of agitation.  Notice if you are starting to get impatient, clenching your fists, raising your voice, or just feeling on edge. 

Since anger and anxiety use the same response system, you can reduce your symptoms of anger in the same way you can reduce your symptoms of anxiety.  Slow abdominal breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, challenging your faulty thinking style, and reinterpreting the situation in more rational and realistic terms.

Anger and anxiety are very difference emotions, but they also have a lot in common and once you understand one of these emotions, you are already very informed about ways to cope with them both.

"Anxiety and Anger are two sides of the same coin"     Anonymous

Thanks to Ryan Summers for the great photos, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/deed.en

Assertiveness: The "Fight" in Fight-or-Flight

The "fight" part of the fight-or-flight response produces a lot of adrenaline, since it was originally meant to provide the biological strength to attempt to survive a real life-threatening event.  But in our modern world, what we perceive as danger is a little different now than it might have been in our early human history.  

In today's modern world it feels scary just to assert ourselves to ask for a raise, say what we want and need, and speak our mind or have our voice. 

That's why assertiveness is so important and why it's as equally important to recognize that the raised symptoms of anxiety when asserting ourselves are fairly normal, especially when we are first learning to assert ourselves, and practicing ways to stand our ground.  

On one end of the scale is passivity, in which we might fall silent and do or say nothing to defend ourselves in social and professional setting.  The far other extreme is aggression, in which we may over-do it and fall into the angry trap of yelling, using aggressive body language, and even becoming physically abusive.  

Somewhere in the middle ground is assertiveness, in which we use our best relaxation techniques to stay calm, while also standing firm.  At these times our body may fear "attack", which basically means an aggressive response, or something that just feels potentially dangerous, and may either be life-threateningly dangerous, or is perceived that way.

Assertiveness has four basic parts to it, and all are best presented with "I" statements.  These include:  "What I think", "What I feel", "What I want", and "What I need".  Before practicing assertiveness, it's good to remind yourself that you may not get what you want or need in the end, as others have the right to say no or disagree with you.  But expressing your view and feelings and asking for what you want and need can many times lead to a good response that turns things in the right direction, and is a far better reply than passivity or aggression.

When first practicing assertiveness you may experience many of the usual symptoms of anxiety.  Shortness of breath, sweaty palms, increased heart rate, tense muscles, and shakiness. But the "fight" of fight-or-flight helps you to stand in the midst of these symptoms, and relaxation techniques will be your friends to power through it.

Very key during assertive encounters is to relax your stomach muscles.  This helps to lower your diaphragm and allow more oxygen into the lower third of the lungs.  A tight stomach is an old human response to danger, and raises the diaphragm which produces short and shallow breathing more familiar to running.  Practicing slow abdominal breathing prior to an assertive encounter can help create this more relaxed stance.

And practice is your friend.  If you are asking for a raise, confronting a renter for payment, or asking a roommate to do their fair share of chores, practice on paper and also practice out loud so you can hear yourself saying the words you need to say.  Make sure you are doing all you can to use "I" statements.  You may not do this perfectly at first, but when you fall into the pattern of using "you" statements (i.e., you never take your turn doing dishes, you're always late paying the rent, or you don't appreciate me as an employee), you put the other person on defense, and from there the communication can fall apart.

Always practice and follow the key steps to standing your ground, rather than falling passive:  1) What I think:  "I think it's important that the chores be fair to avoid any feelings of resentment.", 2) What I feel: "And I am feeling some resentment as I've been doing the dishes more often lately." 3) What I want:  "I want us to get along and have a fair relationship". 4) What I need:  "I need to know that the chore of doing the dishes is actually going to be split 50/50 so I don't feel so resentful all the time".

In this example there might be a certain level of anxiety that the other person might get upset, begin to yell, deny not doing their fair share, or argue they do plenty of other things, so should not have to agree to your request.  This is the second layer of assertiveness training.  The response.  

Preparing for various responses is also a good thing to consider.  Knowing what it is you actually want and need in the end is important.  For instance, in this case if you truly want you and another person to split doing dishes 50/50, you will prepare to answer when the defense comes that they do other things they feel buy them out of their half of doing dishes.  Working to not allow topics to get off track, it's okay to agree to discuss the other chore another time, and stay focused on the topic at hand.  "I'm willing to discuss those other chose another time, but for now I'd like to just talk about the fair division of doing the dishes."

Assertiveness does not have to turn in to aggression, and it doesn't have to lead to fights.  But that is the fear and it's why it involves a certain level of anxiety symptoms familiar to the "flight" in the fight-or-flight response.  It's also why many people tend to fall into passivity instead, but passivity is a slow erosion of your sense of self, your confidence, and only leads to resentment that eats your up from the inside out.

Assertiveness takes practice.  You won't be a pro at it overnight.  It takes some time to study it, practice it, put it on paper, then give it a try in a few safe situations.  It has a very close connection to your self-esteem, which really just asks how much you value yourself.  When we value something, we take good care of it, have boundaries and rules around it, protect it and insist other do the same.  It's not about being aggressive and demanding, and it's not about falling silent and hanging onto resentment.  Assertiveness is a skill that you can develop over time, and in the end, it has the tremendous potential to lower symptoms of anxiety.

You can find three prior blog entries I've done talking about Abdominal Breathing and how much it helps to lower symptoms of anxiety, here, here, and here.

"Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women."     ~Maya Angelou

Thanks to Mark Freeth for the great image, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/deed.en

Hiking for Stress Management

It's a well-known fact that exercise releases "feel good" chemicals in the body and calms the nervous system by reducing cortisol (stress hormone) levels.  So it shouldn't be surprising that hiking qualifies as an item to place on your top 5 list of stress management practices for reducing stress and finding a more well-balanced life.

Not only is it peaceful to spend time in nature, but the environments where most hiking takes place are typically filled with beauty, earth smells, chances to see a little bit of wildlife, and definitely puts each of us back in touch with something we are a part of at the core--Mother Earth.

And if you are looking for a way to take electronic gadget breaks, hiking is a great way to get away from your computer and the prolonged sitting involved with dedicated work at your screens.  Research shows that prolonged sitting is associated with early death, cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, neck and lower back pain, and poor circulation.  Hiking gives you a reason to shut off your devices, put them away, and enjoy the delightful stimulation of the senses.  The body needs movement, the eyes need to focus on things farther away than a computer screen, the ears need to hear nature sounds, the lungs need the exercise and fresh air, and we all need reminders that we are not machines.  We are creatures on this planet just like all of the other creatures on this planet.  Our modern devices are here to assist us, not confine us.

Most of all, hiking is a Mindfulness practice.  It can bring you right into the present moment and wake up the senses.  While hiking you may notice the sound of water, birds, wind in the trees, and the feel of fresh air on your skin.  Walking in sunlight or rain, the benefits of hiking are the same.  The body remembers where it comes from, and that it is a part of something more than four walls and telephones aps.

Hiking doesn't have to be elaborate.  You don't have to make plans for a week-long, deep forest submersion.  Many towns have local hikes within minutes of town.  Some inner-city parks have hiking trails built right into them, and some of the best town parks have enough hiking trails and paths to make for a good hiking adventure.  So don't let distance stop you.  Hiking is still readily available at no, or very low cost, and seeking it out is well worth your Stress Management time.

You can find my previous May 2025 blog entry about the benefits of Forest Bathing here 

"It had nothing to do with gear or footwear or the backpacking fad of any particular era.  It had to do with how it felt to be in the wild."       ~Cheryl Strayed

Thanks to Intermountain Forest Service, USDA Region 4 Photograpy for the great photo taken at Wasatch-Cache National Forest, https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/mark/1.0/deed.en

Artemis II: A Reminder of the Power of Mindfulness

Every now and then humanity is reminded of what it is outside of the borders, wars, and problems it has created for itself.  The recent Artemis II space flight mission around the moon was just such a reminder in which one of the astronauts, Christina Koch said, "There are no lines." Meaning, what she saw of us from space is oceans, weather systems, and no borders.  A complete whole.  One.

The mission was something the world's population have been needing, to remind us of how deeply we've become engrossed in our petty systemic bickering and violence toward one another, and how much we've forgotten who we really are on what Carl Sagan called, "a pale blue dot".

Out here in the vast universe, our existence is something to behold.  We can choose to live in awe or we can bury our heads in the sand of chaos and never look up until our last breath, when we may find ourselves wondering what we missed.

When stress is part of our everyday lives we may not look up at the sky for days, weeks or even months until some spectacular sunrise or sunset catches our eye, or we find ourselves outside under a star-filled sky on some wonderful summer's evening and are reminded of what Victor Glover described as this "oasis" called Earth, floating out in space.

Mindfulness practices help us come back to just what is happening right this minute.  The heartbeat, sounds, the feel of the temperature, the taste of things, the smell of things, and what the glorious human eye is seeing.  Even if it sees darkness.

The difference between humans that are going through this one precious life asleep and those going through it awake, is that those who are awake, are aware.  It's the difference between being on this planet and functioning, and being on this planet and functioning while fully "aware" that one is on this planet and functioning.

The crew of Artemis II were probably four of the most aware human beings on and off the planet recently.  Literally thrust into awareness by the strike of the universal Zen Master's stick, who called them to the full attention of reality.  On return they expressed their awe and heightened view of the oneness of who we all are.  Reminding us that our imaginary borders are in the way of our attempts to wake up, and they can't be seen from the vastness of space.

Does that mean that our everyday battles and hardships are not real?  No, but it does mean that waking up is important.  Staying mindful matters.  Not getting lost in this chaotic world so much that you forget who you are and what you are a part of.

Mindfulness practices are not just a fad.  They are a practice and a discovery that can benefit you and your relationships, as well as your community, country and the planet.  It's about the hope that as many people as possible, on this pale blue dot, will be both awake and aware.  In this way the Earth and the living things that make it what it is, will be a system of self-care and not one of self-destruction.

"It's a special thing to be a human and it's a special thing to be on planet Earth."  Reid Wiseman (Artemis II Mission Commander).

Thanks to NASA for the great image from the Orion spacecraft 2026

Feeling Powerless: Stress and the Way out of Helplessness

I'm hearing from a lot of people lately about how powerless they feel about current events.  Be it the wars around the world, or the economy, or loss of confidence in leadership, the general consensus is that many feel, "There's nothing I can do about it."  Which reminds me of a term I explained a lot in the early years of my career in counseling while doing my practicum in a college campus counseling center using biofeedback machines to help people learn to regulate their stress response.  That term is, Learned Helplessness.

The term was coined by Martin Seligman in the 1960's based on research he did with Steven Maier, which basically found that if we come to believe we are helpless over a situation, we begin to give up.  The research helped us learn a lot about depression in particular, and why symptoms of depression worsen when we feel there is "nothing we can do" to change or help ourselves or a situation.  Anxiety and depression tend to go hand in hand because the more powerless one feels about their anxiety, the more likely they are to also have some level of depression.

But there is an even older concept than Learned Helplessness in my field of study that was around long before I even saw my first client.  It's a term that was popular in addiction recovery circles but applied to many areas of personal growth and self-discovery.  The phrase was created by a religious man, Reinhold Reinbuhr, a theologian who had written it into one of his sermons.   But you don't have to be a religious person to see it has great psychological meaning and truth to it:  "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

The phrase urges us to seek serenity (a state of peacefulness and calm tranquility) in knowing when something is beyond our control.  It's bigger than us, and no matter how hard we might try, we are not going to be able to move it in any direction.  But the second part--the part about finding the courage to change the things we can?  That's a little bit harder.  Probably even harder than the third part of the phrase, which is the wisdom to know the difference between the two, which is hard enough in itself.

Now here is where the two phrases and lessons come together:   It's one thing to realize what we are powerless over, and another thing to overlook that we are not powerless over everything.  There can also be a hidden belief in one's mind that they are also powerless over their ability to have courage to change the things they still have power to change in this world.  Cognitively, if we fall prey to Learned Helplessness, and take the bait of believing we have no power to make changes in the world, then feelings of helplessness and hopelessness get their teeth in, and the giving up begins.  The hopelessness and helplessness get in through the cracks.

Let's look at an example:  Say you are realizing that global pollution is far beyond your personal capacity to change.  You see it, realize it, know it's bigger than you and you begin to let go.  The serenity comes from finding peace in knowing that, though you don't like it very much, you can accept that it's beyond what you could ever do in the days you have left on this planet.  So yes, you give up on any grandiose belief that you could ever single-handedly accomplish such a thing.  Letting go of such an unrealistic expectation is just good self-care.

Yet, that doesn't mean you give up on everything, or on seeing what you can do.  You can't single-handedly save the whole planet, and not even the country you live in.  Nor can you save the entire state or area you reside in.  But if you pull it in closer to home, you might be able to begin seeing something within reach in your own town, community, neighborhood, or possibly just within your own home.  This is the "wisdom to see the difference".

Accepting what you cannot change also helps you begin to see what you can change.  But many of us tend to feel that's not good enough.  We want something bigger.  Grander.  Something that fixes the big problem we already admitted we can't fix.  So it's important to scale it down and accept that your small part matters.  And if it's all each of us can do, then think of how important it is to urge others to do their part.  That is something you are capable of!

It's okay to believe you really are helpless over things far beyond your capacity.  But it doesn't mean you have no power, and it doesn't mean you are helpless over everything.  The wisdom to know the difference is where you can get your power back.  Accepting the smaller scale things that are within your reach really does matter.  This is the part that takes courage.  Moving the desire for a better world into action.

And yes!  We can do better.  We have the capacity as a whole to do better.  Each and every one of us!  And though we are helpless over some large-scale things, we are not helpless over everything.  It takes courage to see that and act nonviolently, and with peace as the ultimate goal.

You can read more about practice and determination in my June 2023 blog entry here

"Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow'."     ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Thans to John Morton for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/deed.en

Falling Well: Finding your ability to Cope under pressure

Who are you when the going gets rough?  And are you prepared if life gets even rougher?  How will you handle it?  What will you discover about yourself?

We actually have no idea what version of ourselves we will discover in a given situation until we are actually in it.  Will we be brave?  Or run like hell?  And will we be able to tell if and when either one of those responses is or was the right one for us personally.

Catastrophic Thinking is one of the ways we walk ourselves right into a mental corner and become convinced that under certain circumstances we won't be able to cope with a given situation if it were to occur.  We say to ourselves, "I won't be able to handle it."  "That will be too much for me."  "I'm sure that would be the point of no return."  "I can't do it."

One method for countering this kind of thinking is to "decatastrophize" the situation by using a few thought experiments in which you walk a little farther into the situation in your mind and imagine that instead of being paralyzed into inaction, you find your way out.  In other words, rather than allowing your mind to just shut down at the thought of imagining the worse-case scenario, to instead visualize seeing yourself handling the situation to the best of your ability.  Even if it means hardship.

With Catastrophic Thinking we tend to overestimate danger, and underestimate our ability to cope with it.  For instance, as we age we might become fearful of falling.  This can lead to an overestimation of how bad a fall would be, how much damage might come from such a fall, and an underestimation of our ability to handle both the fall and any injuries that might come from the fall.  But a thought experiment, including information about the ways athletes fall and martial artists learn to roll or prevent injury during falls, can give us material to come back to our thinking and imagine a way in which we might cope much better during a fall than we ever imagined.  The Catastrophic thought can be decatastrophized and you create a way in your mind's-eye to see yourself "falling well".  And not only falling well, but recovering from any fall injury, well.

Decatastrophizing includes avoiding the overestimation of danger by looking at our fears more realistically.  This can be used in any number of situations in life where we can reinterpret the situation and see a more realistic view with possibilities and better outcomes.  It also means a more realistic look at our ability to cope in life, based on our history, skills, advanced reasoning, and a better estimation of our ability to stay in the game and cope well in many situations.

Take a look at your most frequent recurring fears and ask yourself if you are overestimating the danger and underestimating your ability to cope.  Rather than continuing to fall into the Catastrophic trap of believing you cannot ever allow bad things to happen because you wouldn't be able to handle it, try on the thought experiment of decatastrophizing the situation in your mind.  It makes all of the difference in the world between becoming paralyzed with fear, and pushing your comfort zone.  

You can read more about Catastrophic Thinking and Faulty Thinking Styles from my March, 2018 blog entry here

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do"     ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Thanks to Lisa Ann Yount for the great image, https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/zero/1.0/deed.en