Assertiveness: The "Fight" in Fight-or-Flight

The "fight" part of the fight-or-flight response produces a lot of adrenaline, since it was originally meant to provide the biological strength to attempt to survive a real life-threatening event.  But in our modern world, what we perceive as danger is a little different now than it might have been in our early human history.  

In today's modern world it feels scary just to assert ourselves to ask for a raise, say what we want and need, and speak our mind or have our voice. 

That's why assertiveness is so important and why it's as equally important to recognize that the raised symptoms of anxiety when asserting ourselves are fairly normal, especially when we are first learning to assert ourselves, and practicing ways to stand our ground.  

On one end of the scale is passivity, in which we might fall silent and do or say nothing to defend ourselves in social and professional setting.  The far other extreme is aggression, in which we may over-do it and fall into the angry trap of yelling, using aggressive body language, and even becoming physically abusive.  

Somewhere in the middle ground is assertiveness, in which we use our best relaxation techniques to stay calm, while also standing firm.  At these times our body may fear "attack", which basically means an aggressive response, or something that just feels potentially dangerous, and may either be life-threateningly dangerous, or is perceived that way.

Assertiveness has four basic parts to it, and all are best presented with "I" statements.  These include:  "What I think", "What I feel", "What I want", and "What I need".  Before practicing assertiveness, it's good to remind yourself that you may not get what you want or need in the end, as others have the right to say no or disagree with you.  But expressing your view and feelings and asking for what you want and need can many times lead to a good response that turns things in the right direction, and is a far better reply than passivity or aggression.

When first practicing assertiveness you may experience many of the usual symptoms of anxiety.  Shortness of breath, sweaty palms, increased heart rate, tense muscles, and shakiness. But the "fight" of fight-or-flight helps you to stand in the midst of these symptoms, and relaxation techniques will be your friends to power through it.

Very key during assertive encounters is to relax your stomach muscles.  This helps to lower your diaphragm and allow more oxygen into the lower third of the lungs.  A tight stomach is an old human response to danger, and raises the diaphragm which produces short and shallow breathing more familiar to running.  Practicing slow abdominal breathing prior to an assertive encounter can help create this more relaxed stance.

And practice is your friend.  If you are asking for a raise, confronting a renter for payment, or asking a roommate to do their fair share of chores, practice on paper and also practice out loud so you can hear yourself saying the words you need to say.  Make sure you are doing all you can to use "I" statements.  You may not do this perfectly at first, but when you fall into the pattern of using "you" statements (i.e., you never take your turn doing dishes, you're always late paying the rent, or you don't appreciate me as an employee), you put the other person on defense, and from there the communication can fall apart.

Always practice and follow the key steps to standing your ground, rather than falling passive:  1) What I think:  "I think it's important that the chores be fair to avoid any feelings of resentment.", 2) What I feel: "And I am feeling some resentment as I've been doing the dishes more often lately." 3) What I want:  "I want us to get along and have a fair relationship". 4) What I need:  "I need to know that the chore of doing the dishes is actually going to be split 50/50 so I don't feel so resentful all the time".

In this example there might be a certain level of anxiety that the other person might get upset, begin to yell, deny not doing their fair share, or argue they do plenty of other things, so should not have to agree to your request.  This is the second layer of assertiveness training.  The response.  

Preparing for various responses is also a good thing to consider.  Knowing what it is you actually want and need in the end is important.  For instance, in this case if you truly want you and another person to split doing dishes 50/50, you will prepare to answer when the defense comes that they do other things they feel buy them out of their half of doing dishes.  Working to not allow topics to get off track, it's okay to agree to discuss the other chore another time, and stay focused on the topic at hand.  "I'm willing to discuss those other chose another time, but for now I'd like to just talk about the fair division of doing the dishes."

Assertiveness does not have to turn in to aggression, and it doesn't have to lead to fights.  But that is the fear and it's why it involves a certain level of anxiety symptoms familiar to the "flight" in the fight-or-flight response.  It's also why many people tend to fall into passivity instead, but passivity is a slow erosion of your sense of self, your confidence, and only leads to resentment that eats your up from the inside out.

Assertiveness takes practice.  You won't be a pro at it overnight.  It takes some time to study it, practice it, put it on paper, then give it a try in a few safe situations.  It has a very close connection to your self-esteem, which really just asks how much you value yourself.  When we value something, we take good care of it, have boundaries and rules around it, protect it and insist other do the same.  It's not about being aggressive and demanding, and it's not about falling silent and hanging onto resentment.  Assertiveness is a skill that you can develop over time, and in the end, it has the tremendous potential to lower symptoms of anxiety.

You can find three prior blog entries I've done talking about Abdominal Breathing and how much it helps to lower symptoms of anxiety, here, here, and here.

"Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women."     ~Maya Angelou

Thanks to Mark Freeth for the great image, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/deed.en

Autumn Walk: A Mindfulness Practice

Autumn is a perfect time to let walking be your mindfulness practice.  It is full of all the richness that brings the senses alive and it's one of the healthiest and safest exercises for the human body.

A helpful exercise when practicing mindfulness is to focus on the senses, and a relaxing walk among the smells, sights and sounds of Autumn can be the perfect combination for staying in the present moment.

When our racing minds begin to take off to the future with worried "what-if" thinking, or when they drift to the past with messages of how things "should" have been, or "could" have been, then we are not present.  But mindfulness practices that bring us right into our senses can help with this.  The sounds, smells, view, feel and even the tastes we experience in the present moment are all that really exist.  We can consider the past and bring information from it to the present to help us solve something or move forward, and we can consider those worries about the future in order to apply action to productive worry, but letting our minds live in the past or future only leads to prolong feelings of depression and anxiety.  

Don't worry.  You're not alone if your mind tends to drift off into the past or future quite often, but you can get better and better at staying in the present by apply daily practices that exercise your ability to return to the present over and over again.  The more you practice mindfulness, the more frequently you will be present and the less you will suffer from the consequences of living in symptoms of depression and anxiety that are triggered by thoughts, and not reality.

A beautiful and relaxing Autumn walk is perfect for these kinds of mindfulness practices.  In such an environment you can intentionally pay attention to the brilliant changing colors all around you.  Fall is a time of year that offers carpeted paths of fallen leaves of shades ranging from yellow and green, to orange and red.  The changing environment around you will also offer the smells of the changing season.  Damp leaves and transforming forest floors produce the smells of the shifting season as the trees around you are shedding their growth for the coming winter. 

There is something about walking among all those leaves that also has a feel of insulation that softens sound.  Depending on where you live, you will also hear the sound of the traveling birds as they make their way south this time of year, and other animals will be busy in the bush preparing their winter homes and food supply.

As you zero in on these senses during your walk, you may not notice it but your mind is no longer racing into the future with worry or drifting into the past with sorrow, regret, and other emotions that surface.  These changes also preventing any ongoing unnecessary symptoms that those memories or worries create in your present moment.

Here is an exercise for your Autumn walk.  Spend 5 minutes on each statement, rotating through them repeatedly throughout your walk:  "What do I see?", "What do I hear?", "What do I smell?", "What do I taste?", and "What do I feel?"  The very last one listed here is not about feeling emotionally or psychologically, but what you feel physically, such as the temperature, or the sun on your face, or your clothing on your body, etc.  In addition, if you do not detect something in one of your senses, that's okay.  For instance, if you are not eating anything, or do not have gum or anything else in your mouth, you might not really taste anything at the moment, and that's okay.  Just move to the next sense and continue.

This is a beautiful time of year to get outside and enjoy the mild temperatures, as well as the beautiful colors and smells.  They say there is no time like the present, but the truth is that the present is the only time that really exists.  So it should say, "There is no time but the present". 

"Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree."     ~EmilyBronte

Thanks to Sebnem Gulfidan for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Summer Solstice: Our Seasonal Changing Mood

As I write this blog it is the Summer Solstice 2024.  It's a time for rejuvenation and a celebration of revitalized energy.  Looking at my calendar I also see it is a full moon.  So symbolic for the season and, according to NASA, this is the first time in 40 years that the full moon has fallen on the first day of Summer.  It's called a "Strawberry Moon" because it is the peak season for harvesting strawberries in the Northeast.   It's the day of the year with the most amount of daylight and the least amount of darkness.  So of course, those prone to depression tend to feel a bit better this time of year as the revitalization of the season fills them up and gives them more energy.

Basically, this is the time of year where our species has found various ways to celebrate the life-giving force of the sun and celebrate the way it aids in the growing of everything we know on this planet to be life giving and life sustaining.  This includes the way it boosts human energy and mood in a way that gives us more desire to be active and do things, which in turn can help with exercise and sleep patterns.

We think of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) as something that only happens in the Winter with increased cases of depression and sadness, but with warm weather comes the stress of heat and for some the increased levels of energy during the Summer can lead to increased occurences of anxiety symptoms and usher in a different kind of Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Some of the ways that SAD looks different in the Summer is that since energy levels rise in the body people can experience things such as anxiety, insomnia, and restlessness, and because there is more daylight we tend to get to bed later or even stay up late to enjoy the cool of the night, which can lead to loss of sleep needed to get through the next day.  So believe it or not, even depression can set in over time, just like it does in the Winter.

Ways to regulate mood in the Summer include keeping a regular schedule for your sleep wake cycle, staying cool and hydrated, as well as practicing your relaxation techniques on a regular basis including meditation, abdominal breathing, exercise, and daily journaling.  Exercise is easier and more accessible in the summer, so get out and partake in everything from walking and hiking, to summer sports and activities in the parks.  Be sure to counter-balance that, however, with rest and relaxation and take in that great summer revitalization by soaking in gentle hot springs, lounging a bit on the deck or at the pool side or beach, and relaxing in the cool evenings that are geared at regulating body temperatures after a long hot day.

Our ancestors celebrated this time of year by building bonfires and dancing around them (even leaping over them) in festive ritual.  A more modern idea is to consider writing words or phrases on paper that you want to let go of for the year and burning them in the fire to "let them go".   You can celebrate with some hydrating foods like watermelon, grapes and fruit.  And be sure to go out and try to see that wonderful rare Strawberry Moon tonight.  All of your whole body knows what time of year it is!

You can find my earlier blog entry about Seasonal Affective Disorder here

"I have only to break into the tightness of a strawberry, and I see summer--its dust and lowering sky."     ~Toni Morrison

Thanks to Nigel Hoult for the great photo

Walking for Stress Management

Memories of winter and darkness by 5pm are breaking way now to spring, and as the days get longer, the moods and energy change for most of us.  

That being true, this is a great time of year to consider creating a new walking routine to help cope with stress.  The cool of mornings, as well as the warmer evenings, are perfect for walking and unwinding as the change to spring and summer makes it easier to get out and stretch.

The reason walking is such a good addition to any stress management routine is because it actually does make physical changes in the body that help counter anxiety and stress.  According to the American Psychological Association people experience lower levels of stress hormones, like cortisol and epinephrine, after bouts of physical activity.  They also warn that the more sedentary we get, the less efficient our bodies are at responding to stress.

In addition, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention has stated that walking is a good form of low impact, moderate intensity exercise that has a wide range of health benefits and relatively few risks.  They suggest that we each try to get 10,000 steps each day for optimal health.  So how do we manage to get in all of those steps?  

The Mayo Clinic has a few good suggestions such as taking the stairs, parking farther away from the entrance to places you go, walking the dog, including walks in your work-day breaks, going for a hike, and adding music to your activities to get a pace going.  In addition to these suggestions, finding parks and trails to walk are great ways to get both exercise and the added relaxation of a beautiful environment.  At the same time, if you are a city dweller, sidewalk walking, mall walking, and walking around local attractions like a zoo, botanic garden, or shopping areas also benefit your walking routine.

What do you benefit in the end if you increase your walking?  Increased heart and lung fitness, reduced risk of heart disease and stroke, improved blood pressure and cholesterol, reduced muscular and joint pain, improved balance, and of course... less stress.

You can find my previous blog entry about walking meditation here

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.      ~Lao Tzu

Thanks to Natasha Chub-Afanasyeva for the great image

Exercise for Winter and Health

Fall is a time of creativity, relaxation, and beauty as nature transforms into a colorful landscape of turning leaves and changing weather.  It's also a time when energy levels change, which is not too unlike the bear that prepares to hibernate and preserves its energy for winter.  But we humans still need movement and exercise even though our bodies would prefer to slow down this time of year, and finding the motivation for exercise is not always easy when days are shorter and temperatures begin to drop.  Yet exercise is key in reducing and maintaining levels of anxiety and depression, so nudging yourself to do at least a little bit is worthwhile.

There are some good exercises that are better suited for the cooler months.  Let's take a look at some of them:

During the Fall and before the first snow, bike riding is still a great way to keep the body moving.  It doesn't have to be competitive or even highly strenuous, but even gentle slow riding among the beautiful Fall colors can only help in keeping you active. 

Yoga is a gentle exercise that can be done with a group or class, or alone at home with the aid of a guided video instruction.  It's, most often done indoors during the cooler months, it is sure to keep the muscles warm and loose to prevent injury and keep you limber year-round.

Walking is always a good exercise in the cooler months because it not only keeps the body warmer, but can be done on indoor tracks or out in the elements no matter what the weather.  Be sure to not over or under dress as too much sweating can lead to getting cold at some point, and not being warm enough can lead to discomfort and the early abandonment of a good workout.  Once it's too cold to be out in the elements, walking can be done indoors on a treadmill.

Outdoor winter sports are a great way to get outside in the colder months and to also get some sunlight which helps with vitamin D and depression.  Snowboarding, skiing, sledding, ice skating, and snow shoeing are all great ways to get the body moving and keep the muscles functioning well when the body would prefer to curl up on the sofa and do nothing.

Winter hiking is a "thing", but you need to be prepared for slippery surfaces and plan for traction with every step.  Use a good winter hiking boot and be sure to carry a set of "crampon" ice cleats, and a set of hiking poles to help you maintain your balance while in rough terrain.

The main thing is to keep moving even when the weather seems to want to drive you indoors and out of the natural elements during the changing seasons, and especially in the colder winter months.

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer"  ~Albert Camus

Thanks to  Charles Knowles for the great seasonal photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Change: Adjusting and living a Balanced Lifestyle

The level of activity we each enjoy depends on who we are and what our personal style is.  For extroverts, an active lifestyle is key to feeling energized and fulfilled.  For introverts, life feels much more comfortable with less exposure to activities involving crowds, noise, and other people.  Introverts feel more energized by quieter activities, less companions to do those activities, and far less crowds and noise.  Knowing yourself and your personal preferences can help you know when you've become either too over stimulated with activities that are in excess of what is normal for you, or those that are too reclusive and keep you in isolation.  Both extremes can lead to stress depending on who you are and what your personal preference in life is.

When the pandemic arrived in 2020 and people began spending more time at home, many introverts reported to me that they were liking that they were no longer expected to venture out into the world as much because typically that was something they didn't enjoy as much as extroverts did in the first place.  But at the same time, extroverts were telling me that they were pulling their hair out in frustration and biting at the bit to get out and go do the things they enjoy and that fill them up as well as energize them.

But as the pandemic situation began to improve, an interesting thing began to happen.  Many extroverts, having been starved for the active life they prefer during the more "lock down" or "stay at home" portion of the pandemic, began to overload their plates with activities, while introverts had their own interesting change, in that having gotten the world's permission to be as isolated and recluse as they desired, were finding it a little hard to push themselves to get out a little more and get reacquainted with the world of people, events and activities.

We do know that the pandemic changed an enormous amount of things including where and how we work, how we shop, how we participate in activities, and even how we plan vacations and trips.  So it's up to each one of us to stop for a moment and take a good inventory of how we think the pandemic affected us personally.  Maybe there are some changes we find acceptable and want to keep, such as working at home, or having a new hybrid schedule at work that mixes some home and some office work.  It's also possible that we might have really enjoyed grocery delivery or new ways of attending events that now have timed entrances and have reduced what was once a stressful way of attending.

However, we also need to look at ways we appropriately adapted in order to stay safe during the pandemic, but that now no longer serve us and may actually be leading to more stress.  For instance, when it comes to our level of activity are we now gobbling up too many activities in fear of another pandemic shut down, or have we become a little too recluse and stopped interacting with the world entirely.  This is where knowing yourself well is key because only you will know if what you are doing now is in excess of the person you were prior to the pandemic.

For those who are doing a little too much, the stress will show up in symptoms of exhaustion, body aches, lack of time to fit it all the things you want to do, and of course increased symptoms of anxiety such as a rise in blood pressure and heart rate, tight muscles, tight chest breathing, and even increased use of substances such as alcohol.  For those who are isolating more than what their norm had been prior to the pandemic, the symptoms can result in depression, loneliness, lack of connection to others and to the world, and a growing anxiety each time you think of venturing out to be around others or participate in a few activities.

Taking the time to put a self-inventory together can help you see where you might need to nudge yourself just a little to either tone down activities in order to fit in some rest and self-nurturing, or if it's time to nudge yourself out the door for some light socializing, or at least activity that exposes you to other human beings, such as a hike at a local popular trail, or a trip to the zoo or museum in which you will interact with a few others.  

It's okay that we've changed and adapted since the pandemic entered our lives, and it's okay that we've all found some new ways of living that we want to keep.  But we also have to take a close look at how the pandemic has affected each one of us negatively and begin to sort through the ongoing adaptations we need to keep making in order to find balance with all of the ongoing changes.

"We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails"   ~Dolly Pardon

Thanks to Glacier NPS for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/mark/1.0/

New Year's Resolution: Make it a Theme

January brings with it a reset point where many people make New Year's resolutions in hopes of making changes in their lives for the year to come.  However, it's no secret that many resolutions are set in January, broken by February, and nowhere to be seen beyond that point.  Like most goals, if we set them too high, or see only the finish line instead of the many steps to achieving them, they are doomed to fail before they begin.

In fact, a New Year's resolution might be the wrong way of looking at setting new goals for the year, and the pressure can come off when we change these goals and resolutions to "themes". 

Setting themes for the year can allow for progress instead of failure as we turn instead to focus more intently on what we want to change in our lives.  Themes help us pay attention to our intention for change and to keep in mind throughout the year what it is that our focus really is. 

Three of the top 10 New Year's resolutions are about health.  That is:  lose weight, exercise more, and quit smoking.  We can set goals to reach a set weight, exercise a certain number of times per week, or cut down to a certain number of smokes by a certain date.  All of which could turn into failure within a matter of days or weeks if we can't hold to it.  Or, we could also set the themes in motion come January 1st, that meal-time focus will have more intention and better food choices, movement will become something we build right into our lives (such as parking farther from entrances and exits, and taking stairs), and finding other things to do besides going for another smoke, even while lugging our cigarettes around, so as to experience what it's like to say no to self-destructive behavior.

Expanding into travel, new hobbies and adventure are also in the top 10 New Year's resolutions, but it's not uncommon to book things at a time when we feel good and not feel much like doing them when that booked event comes around.  We can also try to force ourselves into events and adventures when the money is not always available nor is the time.  But if we think of these ideas more along the lines of themes, we can put out an intention in the new year to look for adventure when it feels like it fits the schedule, budget and energy level.  This can lead only to success instead of failure and by December we will be able to reflect on the year and know we accomplished a lot more than we thought we might.

A resolution has a lot of determination in it, as well as a lot of push and pressure from within.  But a theme has an intention, and intention gives us an aim, like a compass point we try to sail our ship toward throughout the year.  A theme also has a lot less chance for failure because it's not really a goal that we are setting, but a new place to center our focus in everything we do in the coming year. 

For your "New Year's resolution" consider taking some contemplative time to reflect on what themes you'd like to focus your mind on in the upcoming year.  What would you like to pay more attention to?  What will be your top 3 themes for 2023?

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.       ~Lao Tzu

Thanks to Jesper Sehested for the great photo

Stress and trying to answer the unanswerable

Recently the wonderful Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh passed away.  He had been ill for some time after having a massive stroke in 2014.  He was a pretty remarkable person who wrote over 130 books, 100 of which were published in English.  He definitely left a lot of information for all of us to peruse for the rest of our lives.  One lesson taught, which was given by the Buddha and passed down through the centuries, was that we should not waste our time on metaphysical speculation.

If you are like me, this is a little upsetting because it is fun to contemplate the meaning of life and what else there could be besides just this one precious life.  But I don't think Thich Nhat Hanh or Buddha meant that you should not enjoy a good philosophical conversation.  What they meant was that the more time you spend chasing after "the answer" to things that can't be known, the more of this precious life you miss out on.

When we are faced with the question of life and death, it's very disturbing to imagine that this one precious life might be all there is.  Especially when there are threats of war, violence, death, and world destruction.  It's hard to  find our drive for creativity, our motivation to keep going, and our desire to put effort into life if we don't think there is "good reason".  We want there to be a reward at the end, like a heaven, or prize, or some kind of promise.   

It is taught that whenever the Buddha himself was asked about metaphysical questions, he remained silent.  Pretty good answer!  To answer is to get drawn into all kinds of mind games and the "What ifs" that lead to anxiety and suffering.  But the point of the lesson is that if you get distracted by these "What ifs", you lose all sight of the present moment, which is the only place where reality exits.  

This week we have heard endless stories about war and the invasion of Ukraine.  The images are terrible to see and the stories are heart breaking.  But it's very easy to get caught up as well into the terrible "What ifs" that leave us paralyzed and unable to find hope about the future.  In the process, we miss out on what is really happening "right now".  The more important question is , "How will you live your life right now", and that includes full awareness and response to this moment and the events happening in it.  

There is a popular Zen story about a man who was shot in the chest with an arrow.  Everyone tried to assist him in getting that arrow out, but he insisted on knowing all sorts of unanswerable details about the shooting of the arrow before he would let anyone try to save his life.  Meanwhile he was dying from the wound.  Of course, that is my shortened version of the parable, but maybe you get the point that spending all of our time trying to find answers to things we cannot know, is a waste of the one precious life we are living.  It is a powerful lesson driven home by the Zen master Seung Sahn who made it the foundation of his teaching.  One of his students later put together a book of his lessons and letters entitled, Only Don't Know. 

When it comes to anxiety we can get ourselves stressed out about things that can't be known.  Will I get in an auto accident?  Will I get shot by an arrow?  Will I have a job next week?  Is there a divine entity?  Will someone push the nuclear button?  

A Zen master was asked by a student, "Is there life after death?"  The Zen master replied, "How should I know?  I've never died before!"  

"Understanding means throwing away your knowledge."

~Thich Nhat Hanh

Less is More: Reducing Stress by Simplifying Life

If you find yourself feeling like you want to simplify life--clear the clutter and downsize to less "stuff", less spending, less accumulation, desire and want--, part of the battle will be to define what simplicity means to you, personally.  For some it can look pretty complex when compared to what simplicity might mean to others.  If you think owning twenty pairs of shoes is simpler than the fifty you have had for years, someone else might find the thought of owning twenty pairs of shoes a challenge in finding storage space.  If shopping just once a week is a nice reduction from your usual daily spending, someone else might find that shopping on a weekly basis would be a treat compared to the monthly time they permit themselves to go a little bit beyond what the budget allows.

There are several different ways to look at the concept of "simple".  It is frequently just thought of as "natural", meaning that nothing artificial or complicated has been added.  But then we'd have to get complicated already and define for each individual what "natural" is, and this starts getting away from the idea of simple real fast.  So let's just take one of the most common descriptions of simple, and that is that simple has "few added parts".  Or we could just simplify that even more to say that simple means "fewer".

When we say that "less is more" we mean that having less brings you more of something else.  You gain more peace of mind.  When life is less complex it's like lessening the load of a heavy backpack you've been carrying for too long.  And that pack can be lightened of more than just the material weight of items not needed anymore.  It can be lightened of worry, excessive stress, ruminating thoughts, traumatic memories, bad habits,  and even wasted time, like surfing the net or watching TV.

So what will be defined as simple or natural to you is going to be unique to you, and you might continue to expand your definition over the years.  For some it can eventually mean a remote existence in the deep forest, and for others it could mean a downsized city life with the least number of complications and needs allowable.  The main task will be deciding for yourself where you feel your life is too complex in the first place.  Is it in your work?  Your home?  Perhaps your finances or your relationships?  Or maybe the biggie for most of us...and that is in our thinking styles.

Simple doesn't have to mean dull and lifeless.  We can look at the beauty of Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement, to see that simple can be deeply beautiful and full of life and color.  A place where less is more.  

So here are some ideas for simplifying your life.  Keep in mind that this is very individualized and your concept of "fewer" is going to be different when compared to what others see as "less" in their lives.  Be self compassionate and give yourself permission to know what feels right for you.  What can you do with less of?  In what areas of your life would "fewer" work?

• Notice places in your environment where you have stocked up on several of the same item.  Determine how long it's been since you've actually needed all the "extras" and determine if keeping just one or two would actually work out just the same.
• Take a scroll through your phone contacts and determine how many phone numbers you are scrolling through that don't need to be there anymore.  Maybe some you've hung onto for so long you haven't dialed in years.  Can some be deleted?
• What clothing items hang in your closet or take up dresser space that have not been worn in over a year?  Or two years?  Or five years?  Do they really need to be there?
• You may find that there are items in your kitchen that were outdated a year ago.  Maybe longer.  Check the back of the shelves and inside the drawers and see if you can rid of some things that can never be used again.
• Carry items around before buying them.  Even in your electronic carts online.  Leave things there and come back to them later to see if you really still think you need or want them.  Sometimes we buy less by just sleeping on it.
• Set a timer when surfing the net.  After 30 minutes, get up and go do something else.  Less is more when you can enjoy more of life and not spend all of your time on the computer.
• Create less opportunity for others to interrupt your personal time by scheduling it for yourself and not letting anyone take it from you.  Having an appointment with yourself reduces the concept of FOMO (fear of missing out).
• Set limits at your place of employment, even if you are your own boss.  Be firm about quitting time and stop letting work gobble up more and more of your precious time.
• Use Mindfulness practices to interrupt unwanted or repetitive thinking and ruminations.  Joko Beck, in her book Everyday Zen, suggests noticing what you are thinking throughout the day and labeling the thoughts, or placing those thoughts into categories so you can raise your awareness that we each have a set of thought categories we return to repeatedly.  "I'm not doing enough" thoughts, or "Something bad will happen" thoughts.  Discover what your most frequent thought categories are.  Intentionally noticing them and categorizing them, according to Joko, helps them begin to dissolve.  This happens because we move from "generating" thoughts, to "observing" thoughts.

           It's a good thing to be satisfied with what one has."    ~Buddha

Thanks to crabchick  and terrance rengarasu for the great photos, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Having Realistic Expectations is the Way out of Suffering

Disappointment is something most of us learn at an early age.  We can get disappointed due to just about anything we've built up an expectation about, and our expectations get built up because we come to believe something will be a certain way.  But when it's not the way we expected, then disappointment comes.

There are small disappointments like believing your usual ice cream will be readily on the shelf (although I'm probably projecting on this one) and then due to COVID it turns out that many things are suddenly out of stock for a while and it sinks in that you just won't be able to have what you were once used to having.  

Small disappointments can also be simple things like thinking a package will be delivered on time but finding out it's been delayed, or looking forward to a movie with a good friend, but the friend needs to cancel due to some event that has come up in their life.

Disappointments are unfortunate, but they are a part of life and so we learn to cope with them and take them in stride.  We learn that not everything will go the way we expect or at least hope it will go.  So disappointment is usually something that we humans can handle and move on from.

But there is a new kind of disappointment going on right now in the world that has a much more personal tone to it, and that is the disappointment we feel when we've expected our fellow human beings to be much more ethical, moral, honest, sane, and even civil than we find them out to be.  Or we are at least witnessing them to be.  

Maybe we'd had an unspoken belief that no matter what our differences or disagreements, we'd at least be able to trust that those we thought we knew would not stoop to such levels of behavior.  And it is disappointing to experience because once we've witnessed otherwise, all trust is broken.  Sometimes we even believe that our enemies themselves will not go beyond a certain point of behavior, even though they are our enemies.  We believe that war crimes won't take place, and everyone will follow national and international laws the same way we'd all obey a basic traffic signal to avoid injuring ourselves and others.

I frequently tell my clients that frustration, disappointment and suffering come when we want things to be other than what they really are.  To want someone to love us who does not.  To want someone to be honest when they are not.  To want the truth from a liar.  To expect republican views from a democrat, or progressive views from a conservative.  To want a racist to be an anti-racist, or someone who is denying reality to see it.  To want people to vote the way we want them to vote, or to raise their kids the way we think they should raise them.  And we want our fellow Americans to act and behave the way we personally think an American should based on our personal interpretation of what an American is and should be.  But of course, the definitions differ widely.  And when reality sinks in and we see the many differences of view, opinion, and belief among us--disappointment comes.  Suffering comes because it's never the way we fully want it to be.

Acceptance is the key, but you might feel disappointed to know that acceptance is not what you expect it to be... either.

Acceptance does not mean we like what we've found.  Or that we agree with what we've found.  It means we've finally admitted to what is present, real, and true.  It's the final stage of the grief process where we reach a place of knowing what the truth is, and once we know what the truth is and can accept it with open eyes and open awareness, then we can finally make decisions about our new direction.

For instance, if you are disappointed because a relative is devoted to a political party that is opposite of the one you are devoted to, rather than wring your hands and fill your mind with hatred, you can instead accept that this reality is true: that you will not get what you want, which is for them to believe otherwise (and most of all to agree with you).  Acceptance does not mean you like it or agree with it, but that you can see it and know it is real and true.  Once you do that then you can make decisions on what direction to take your life in next.  Fighting and demanding that things be other than what they truly are will only lead to suffering

Disappointment comes because things are not going the way we wanted or expected them to go.  Acceptance leads us to healing and letting go, and it frees us from suffering.  It doesn't mean we don't grieve the loss, and it doesn't mean that we had not wished it to be different than it turned out to be.  But with acceptance we free up our energy to be more productive in areas of our lives where we can make a difference.  Trying to change things that can't be changed is only a waste of time and energy.  

We can and do absorb disappointment every single day.  Waking to the reality of these disappointments helps us make decisions about our new direction in life.  How to "move on" as they say.  Being realistic is what helps us have healthy expectations of others and of ourselves.  We can know we are stuck when we are continually trying to make something be other than what it really is, and when we do that, then suffering begins.  When we finally accept things for how they really are, we find our way out of suffering.

Thanks to photographymontreal for the great photo (https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/mark/1.0/)

Stress Management: Live and Let Live

As we all continue to adjust to the changing presentation of COVID and how it has an impact on our daily lives (especially now that there are variants weighing heavy on our minds), one of the things we can offer is to leave room for others to respond in the ways that feel safest for them, as well as to be patient and accepting of our own personal choices when it comes to mask wearing and socializing. 

Since the mask mandate was lowered, there has been a lot of anxiety among those that don't feel quite ready to stop wearing them or to discontinue practicing a more cautious lifestyle.  They also don't want to be pressured yet to be in office spaces, crowds, airports, or other places where larger groups of people gather.  Others who didn't want to wear the masks in the first place have been more than ready to stop wearing them and so their adjustment has come quite rapidly and without effort or much thought.

If you don't feel quite ready to completely stop wearing a mask or using social distancing and COVID protocol, do yourself a favor and be the first to accept this preference about yourself.  The last thing any of us needs right now is to stop listening to our own internal voice that has the right to choose what we believe is best for ourselves at any given moment.  There is no need to join any voice that chooses to condemn you for doing what you feel is safest for yourself, and you do not have to conform to anything others are choosing to do or not do in any given setting.

If you are someone that chooses to unmask now and take your freedom from the long enduring mandates of COVID restriction, let yourself enjoy that choice as well.  Enjoy the liberty at last to return to some form of normalcy.  What none of us needs right now, however, is for any part of either group preference to judge, condemn, shame or humiliate anyone of the other preference group.  We need to Live and Let Live!  Which simply means to live as you choose, and let others do the same.

The moment we stop listening to our own inner voice which tells us what our personal preferences are, is the moment we abandon ourselves and damage our own sense of internal self-trust.  Be sure to listen to your own personal truth on these growing changes as everyone continues to transition through the morphing landscape of COVID at their own preferred pace.  

Trust yourself, and let others trust their own good judgment and choice as well.  Just because your choices are different doesn't mean you are right or wrong.  It just means your view and choice differs from that of others.  Nothing more.  

Live and Let Live!  Let it become your internal motto as you work to heal through the ongoing COVID process.

Thanks to Fazingo Photos for the great picture

Gardening as Stress Reduction

With warmer weather comes the sprouting of gardens and what better place to find relaxation than an environment with blooming flowers and greenery.

The gentle color of the green plants is soft on the eyes and many gardens contain running water, fountains and other natural sounds such as birds, crickets, and insects--all of which draw the body into a natural environment full of relaxing elements directed at the senses.

Spending time walking slowly in a garden is also quite relaxing to the muscles and tendons.  Breathing in the fresh aroma of the plants and flowers relaxes the breathing and lungs, and can serve as a form of aroma therapy, which is known to trigger various areas of the brain and body-memory.

Some people enjoy spending time in a garden as the gardener, where they can plant, trim, put their hands in the soil, and create visual art with color and scenery.  Others might prefer to just enjoy the work of gardeners and show their appreciation by admiring the abundance of growth and arrangement.  Either way, most everyone can find something about a garden they like.

A powerful garden can be meditative and many individuals prefer sitting, contemplating or journaling while resting in a garden loaded with visual effects, smells and colors that draw on the senses.  Sometimes a well places statue within a garden can serve as a resting place for the eyes when practicing mindfulness meditation.

Many cities have centralized public parks with garden areas, and some have more advanced botanic gardens that can be visited for a fee.  Whichever garden you choose to spend your relaxation time in, be sure to carve out enough of your schedule to not feel rushed.  Take your time to walk the paths and take in the visuals in a leisurely and gentle pace.

"I can spend two hours grubbing about in my garden, dazed with pleasure and intent, and it feels like five minutes."         ~Alice Walker

Photo from Japanese Garden, Portland Oregon.  2021

Human Adaptation and Resilience: The Ability to Bounce Back from the Stress of COVID

Did you know that the average height of a female 100 years ago was 5 feet 2 inches, and a male was 5 feet 7 inches.  Today it is 5 feet 4 inches for women, and 5 feet 10 inches for men.  Doesn't seem like much, but in just 100 years, we are taller than we once were because evolution seems to believe that we need that for our survival.  This ability of the human being to adapt is what makes our species so capable of survival and to be resilent to the constantly changing factors that make up life on this planet.

Look what happened this last year between January and December 2020.  Due to the COVID situation, our species adapted repeatedly to the changing conditions required by the presence of the virus.  We had to change the way we work, the way we buy food, the way we go to the vet, the dentist, the doctor.  We had to change the way we stand in a line in public, and in the way we just walked up and down an aisle at any given store.  And in order to survive the virus itself, we had to decipher what the rules and laws would be that make our species strive toward survival in the safest way.  In this case, we were also torn between different definitions of survival.  One form of survival was to avoid the virus completely, but another was to have a job, money, and means to keep a roof over one's head, food on the table, bills paid, all of which are also what helps us survive by providing heat, air, internet, transportation, and so much more.  These differing definitions left us at times torn between staying home or venturing out to get food and go to work.  All of these survival "needs" are things we strive for every day, even if it just seems like it's our basic day to day activities and not necessarily hunting wild game or fighting predators, as it might have been in ancient times.

What this means is that we are under a lot of daily stress to take care of ourselves and make it from one day to the next.  Our survival needs (and COVID) have pushed our daily limits, and what we were once used to is now expanded from what it was just a year ago.  I'm sure many of us had no idea that just learning to stay home was going to one day be a survival behavior we would need to "endure", and that each of the things we've had to adjust to since the beginning of 2020 would increased our stress.  So thank goodness for the incredible human ability toward adaptation and resilience.  We are getting the job done despite the increased stress, but this means there has also been an increased need to cope with all of that stress as well.

The good news is that our brains have also evolved and we have used those brains to create an abundance of ways to cope with our stress.  Though some of those means are unhealthy adaptation methods, many others are very healthy and finding one that you resonate with is going to be key in bouncing back from what has been a very long year of endurance with the COVID virus.

Though this list of relaxation techniques is not exhaustive, it does provide some ideas for you to try as you (like many of us) continue your journey of resilience and adaptation to this magnificent changing world:

• Get a massage
• Meditate
• Listen to soothing music
• Learn Tai Chi, Qigong, Yoga
• Soak in a warm bath or hot tub
• Sit down to a cup of green tea
• Spend time with your favorite pet
• Learn a meditative form of chanting
• Forest Bathing
• Practice slow diaphragmatic breathing
• Aromatherapy
• Biofeedback
• Art (viewing or creating)
• Hiking

Thanks to peasap for the great photo (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/)

Striving for Peace: A way to reduce Stress and Tension

The New Year is coming.  2021!  And there is a lot of potential for peace in it.  The reason is because it's not hear yet and so we can set our intention on making it a peaceful year.  It's all in knowing what we want to accomplish.  

Setting an intention has a slightly different flavor to it than setting a goal or a resolution.  An intention indicates that something is the aim, and all efforts that follow will keep that aim in mind.

If we have a certain intention, then "most" of the activity and energy we apply in that direction is for the purpose of that intention, and therefore, we try to avoid activity and energy that is not going to serve that intention.  So having an intention to make 2021 a peaceful year should be full of activity that strives for peace.  You won't do it perfectly and yes, you will slip up.  But the idea is to move in that direction for the most part.

There is an area of study called "Peace studies", or sometimes called "Peace and Conflict studies."   The Institute for International Peace Studies at Notre Dame defines "peace" as "not just the absence of war", but also as "the presence of the conditions of a just and sustainable peace, including access to food and clean water, education for women and children, and security from physical harm."  In other words, there is "negative" peace, which is the absence of direct violence; and there is "positive" peace, which is the presence of justice.

So we have to look at the direction of our intention when we say we are striving for peace.  I'm sure many of us have heard ourselves and others claim we want peace, but then our actions and behavior don't necessarily seem intended toward something that looks like peace in the end.  To strive toward negative peace, we have to discontinue our own forms of violence, and to strive toward positive peace, we have to strive toward justice of many kinds.

Bringing peace to your daily life includes bringing peace to your community, including your home, neighborhood, town and city.  So as you approach 2021, try to set your intention on less violence in all of its many forms, while also moving toward actions that support justice, which means acting in accordance with "moral rightness based on ethics"--and that includes fairness.

If you want to be a part of a peaceful 2021 it's going to mean taking a look at yourself and your own daily thoughts and behavior.  If you find yourself thinking you are not a part of the problem, sit with that for a moment and try to dig a little deeper.  Look until you see a human place where you can change for the better and be a part of the solution. 

Thanks to John Attebury for the great photo (quote added), https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Election Stress and Anxiety Reduction

Most of us are too young to have experienced the famous radio show broadcast of the "War of  the Worlds" in 1938, in which a radio theatre presented (quite realistically), the idea that Martians had invaded the world.  There was an immediate fear response based on belief that the story being broadcast was real.  There was "widespread outrage" later, and the broadcasters were heavily criticized for being deceptive.  There were even "calls for regulation by the Federal Communications Commission."

As I write this current blog entry it is only 22 days to the 2020 election.  Already the mood and energy approaching that day is stirring.  It's not exactly exciting, and not exactly even a relief.  Instead, I sense that many people are having anticipatory anxiety, or perhaps unease about another unknown-to-come and all the chain of events that will follow either outcome.  Unfortunately, like the War of the Worlds broadcast, there are all kinds of fear inducing stories being weaved throughout social media right now, and it seems anxiety and stress are high in many corners of the globe.

In the duration period between November 3rd, 2020, and inauguration day in January, we American citizens are not going to be very much unlike a scared (but well-meaning) resident who, with good intention, buys a gun for protection in the home.  But how many times have we all read the sad story of such a citizen, having taken all the necessary safety classes about the handling and storage of that gun, who then finds themselves face to face with an apparent intruder in the night and is forced to make a decision one never thought they'd  have to.  Yet, on seeing a shadow through groggy eyes, pulls the trigger, only to discover later that they have killed their own child or spouse, or perhaps a visiting guest just moving about in the night to find the restroom.

It's probably true that, like the citizen who buys a gun for protection, most Americans have good intention to protect this home they call the United States.  But just like the groggy-eyed home-owner in the night, we are also at risk after November 3rd of accidentally and inadvertently harming members of our own communities.  So stress and anxiety levels during that time will need to be kept in check.  Preparing for this difficult pocket of time now can help you stay focused on reality, and be ready to decipher what's real and what's hype in the midst of the after-election chaos that is coming.  And ...it is coming.  

We know there is no "War of the Worlds", so how do we work now to avoid belief in such false and unnecessary fear stories.  How do we work to stay calm during the coming duration from November 3rd, 2020, to inauguration day on January 20th?  

Well, usually anxiety surfaces with the activation of the fight or flight response, and because of the highly charged political atmosphere in the country right now, we are becoming either hypervigilant (i.e., a response usually resulting from trauma), or we are becoming full of anticipatory anxiety about what's coming up next (i.e. debates, protests, elections, etc.).  One of the first things to prepare for now is deciphering sensationalized stories that are frequently promoted on social media.  So be vigilant for these as they are more unbelievable (and certainly more obvious) than many care to admit.  

In addition, be very realistic about the kinds of things that will show up in your Facebook or twitter feeds after the elections.  It goes without saying that you should not buy into anything that suggests you take up your arms and head for the streets.  Anything that promotes such kinds of behavior after the elections should be immediately suspect and dismissed.  Don't go running with your weapon to greet that "intruder in the night".  It's exactly what we don't need and is the result of a fear and belief response that is misguided and dangerous.  If we believe we are in danger, anxiety levels will rise.  So one of the most important things you can do to lower your stress and anxiety is to work very hard to decipher if your belief in sudden fear-promoting stories are realistic or not.

Regardless of the election outcome, actively participating in an ongoing set of relaxation techniques will be key in staying stress free in November, December and on into the New Year.  Increasing use of meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery, breath work, art therapy, journaling and all the things you have found helpful in the past to keep your stress level down, should be ready.  Pay attention to where your "what if" thinking goes and rein in all forms of Catastrophic Thinking.  

As has been said many times in this blog, it's what we believe that leads to the rise in our anxiety.  If we truly believe there is danger, then the body will react with a fear (anxiety/stress) response.  So be very vigilant right now about what you really believe is and is not dangerous.  After the election in particular, be fully aware of what it is you are buying into and how your body is responding to those beliefs.  Be a part of the rational thinking that can take place during that time, and not a part of any false narrative that is being spun and fed to social media in the form of memes. 

Thanks to pluslexia for the great photo   *https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

The Stress and Anxiety of Uncertainty

Throughout the duration of COVID-19 a common expressed worry is one of "uncertainty".  Many people feel unease at the reality that the future is pretty much unknown.  We're not really sure how this will pan out, mainly because none of us who are alive have ever lived through anything like this before.  Those who have kids may have never had to home school or worry about their kids exposed to COVID in a school setting before.  Those of us out working in the world have never had to wonder when we will go back to the office, or if we will go back to the office, or if --in the end--employers will even keep the office we all once worked in.  We now all carry with us a sense of uncertainty about how long this will last, as well as uncertainty about what to believe in the mass of information that is not always what it seems. 

This chronic state of uncertainty leads to stress and anxiety that can fill us with irrational kinds of faulty thinking.  In other words, where there are no answers, we might make the mistake of filling in the unknown gap with what seems like a plausible answer.  However, if we are using faulty thinking styles, we can make cognitive errors and fill in those gaps with inaccurate and even mythological information.  

In addition, there is a difference between anticipatory anxiety and uncertainty.  With anticipatory anxiety we at least have a general idea of what it is we are afraid of and what might be coming.  We can anticipate a scenario in our mind of that feared thing and then prepare for it the best we can.  But when it comes to uncertainty, the mind draws a blank.  The new anxiety and stress is in not knowing what to even envision or prepare for.  In that case, an instinctual human system can become hypervigilant and become filled with a general sense of unease in trying to always be ready for it knows not what.

The best way to handle this general sense of uncertainty is to practice relaxation techniques as frequently as possible so that the body counters the chronic tendency to want to be tense all the time.  We can try to train our bodies to be mostly relaxed as frequently as possible, which in the end also prepares us for the best overall reaction to any stressor that eventually comes along.

Another way to cope with uncertainty is to not create expectations about how uncertainty "should" be or how we "wish" it to be in the end.  All that does is create a readiness for disappointment, which can be expressed in stressful emotions like anger, sadness, and more worry.  There is a difference between having a positive attitude--which aims for "hoping" for good outcomes--and the other option of setting oneself up for disappointment by expecting in advance that the outcome one wants or prefers will be the outcome that happens.

When you get right down to it, uncertainty means we don't know the answer.  When we don't know the answer to something our brains start searching for a way to fill in that uncomfortable gap.  We can put all kinds of things in that gap, but that does not mean that whatever we put in that gap is the correct answer.  If instead, we look at the reality of the uncertainty, we can act appropriately and decipher the most rational way to cope.  When the body is uncertain if it needs to prepare for danger, we can intervene and help it instead to feel a general sense of peace and relaxation, which also prepares it in the long run for any need to ready for danger, if necessary.

Thanks to Nguyen Thanh Lam for the great photo

https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Healthy Resistance to Stress

If you are like most others, you were probably trying to just wait out the COVID-19 pandemic in hope of things eventually just getting back to "normal".  But it looks like whatever it is we are experiencing now "is" the new normal, and accepting that is really most of the battle regarding the stress that this real change brings. 

It's symbolic and synchronistic, I suppose, that all of this comes near the edge of seasonal change, as Fall is right around the corner and the unknown continues to lie ahead of us all.

Many folks are still sitting on another kind of edge as well, and that is the one between human survival and just trying to flourish in this life.  How do we sort out how to scramble for employment, income, safety, and basic needs while also trying to find peace, joy, harmony and a stress free life for ourselves?  For some the reality of having tied one's ego up in a job title has hurried in hard existential questions about identity, purpose, and meaning.  The problem is that to cling to anything at all--be it a job, job title, marriage, house, business, project, money, or even health--is a big mistake.  None of these will stay the same even if you manage to keep them.  Never-the-less, it's only human nature for us to do what we need to do to survive and once survival needs are met, only then do we bother to notice the stress that surviving has put on us.  

So, the way we respond to stress is very important.  It was Hans Selye who created the General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS) model to help us understand the stress response.  It has three stages:  The Alarm stage in which a stressor is introduced to our environment.  The Resistance stage in which we do our best to cope with that stressor (sometimes not in the healthiest of ways).  And finally the Exhaustion stage.  

Many of us are still in the Resistance stage regarding the stress brought on by COVID-19 and something that is important for us to realize is that this stage cannot be maintained forever.  If we are not coping well, then all of our resources will eventually become depleted and we will reach the stage of Exhaustion, which puts us at risk for a weakened immune system and vulnerability for illnesses we were initially trying to avoid.  Therefore, it's crucial that we work to have the healthiest coping styles we can muster up during the Resistance stage of stress.

Fall brings with it cold and flu season, the one thing none of us want to take risks with, especially this year.  So you can start now to strengthen your coping styles for dealing with whatever stressors COVID-19 has brought your way.  Here are some ideas to notice about your own coping right now:

• Are you eating well, taking in healthy foods?  Or are you going for the sugar and junk food?
• Are you drinking or using other substances more?  Or using natural relaxation techniques?
• Are you coping by shopping and spending?  Or are you journaling about your frustrations?
• Are you closing the world off?  Or reaching out to talk with others who are also coping?
• Are you getting enough exercise?  Or planting in front of the awful daily news stories?
• Are  you asking for help?  Or trying to do the impossible all by yourself?
• Are you searching for available resources?  Or playing the victim and deciding it's hopeless?
• Are  you seeing and appreciating the possibilities around you?  Or giving up?

What's important here is to not let yourself reach the stage of Exhaustion where the immune system falls below homeostasis (that neutral place of normal functioning).  The holidays and winter can bring with them feelings of depression (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and lowered motivation.  So prepare now by upping your game to include better and healthy coping styles.  At least give yourself the upper hand to cope in the best way you possibly can.

• Thanks to Ginny for the great photo
• https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

COVID-19: Perseverance and Stress

If you are treading water right now just to keep your head above water, you are not alone.  All across America, people are struggling to regain their balance from the foundational shake that COVID-19 has brought to the country.  What's the most important thing to keep at the forefront of your mind during this crisis?  It is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and not give up!  Perseverance is important not only because giving up won't solve, or even help a problem, but it's also important because you won't find out how strong you really are if you give up.

We frequently hear about the importance of resilience as a trait that helps people bounce back from trauma or hardship.  But what about the skill of endurance?  Endurance is when we demonstrate the ability to sustain a difficult situation for a prolonged period of time.  And that is what COVID-19 is asking of us all.  That is--enduring quarantines, and showing the staying power we find within ourselves to withstand Stay-at-Home orders whenever they are put in place.

Endurance also has a lot of determination and consistency in it.  With COVID-19 we are repeatedly asked to show consistent behavior of change when it comes to not touching our face, and washing our hands, or not shaking hands, and keeping a six foot distance from those around us.  But the virus situation has also lead to economic scare and financial fears, anxieties and insecurities that will also require staying power.  You might be about to discover how much you can live without and it's very important that you face these challenges to the best of your ability.

One thing that keeps us from finding our inner sense of endurance and staying power is Catastrophic Thinking.  In this kind of faulty thinking we not only imagine the worst case scenario (something life-threateningly dangerous), but we also add to that imagined scenario the belief that we would never be able to handle the worst case scenario.  "I'd lose my job and income, and then I'd not be able to support my family, and then I'd lose the house, and then we'd have to move to a smaller place", and so the line of continuous downward spiraling thoughts go.

What's not considered in this kind of thinking is the idea that even if things got that bad, you might discover (with staying power and determination) that you actually could survive these difficult situations.  They would not be pleasant or enjoyable, and of course, no one wants them to happen.  But if they did happen, consider the idea that you could survive them.  You still have all your fingers and toes after job loss, and you can still live and breathe in a smaller living area, and you could live on less, and so on.

Marathon runners know all about endurance, but so do those who are oppressed.  The runners literally know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other and the oppressed have no choice but to put one tired and frustrated, psychological and emotional foot in front of the other.  Both teach us that giving up is not only unwise, but also not necessary.  You can survive this difficult time, through all of its anxieties and hardships.  And in doing so you will discover a side of yourself that you never knew was there all along.  If your anxiety is taking hold and fear is setting into your bones--be it about illness or poverty--, challenge your Catastrophic Thinking right now and put a stop to allowing hopelessness to take root.  You are so much more than you think you are, and capable of twice as much.

Thanks to Gabriel S. Delgado C. for the dynamic photo.
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Greed and Holiday Stress

In Buddhism, greed is considered to be one of the three poisons, alongside ignorance and anger (or hatred).  Greed is an interesting concept when you think about it.  It means:  "A selfish and excessive desire for more of something".

If you need several million dollars to retire that's one thing, but to want several million dollars just because a few hundred thousand, or a few thousand is not enough for your desire, then you are being greedy.

During the Holidays we can see the worst of people's greed show itself.  "I want" is a frequent comment we hear as people list off all the things they want for Christmas.  "I want a new bike", "I want a new video game", or "I want money".

In America the facts show that only 1% of the richest people in the country hold a much larger portion of the countries wealth.  But no matter if you have or don't have wealth, your leaning towards greed can vary.  A very wealthy person can be quite satisfied with the amount and things they have (and generously share it, as well), while a very average income-maker might continue to want things and money in excess of their ability.  As the definition goes, greed is "selfish" and "excessive".  It's beyond what is actually needed and is wrapped up in the individual's desire for more.

In the United States we are nearly all guilty of greed.  We want more money, more things, bigger homes, nicer cars, more food, more substances, and the more we get the more we continue to want.  The holidays reflect this to excess in things such as the store-front rushes on Black Friday, where shoppers push, shove, and even punch one another to grab the first of an electronic device that has already been stocked up to sell for the day to anyone coming in.

Many elderly people who know they have already lived the majority of their lives--and have begun to downsize and simplify--will many times say, "I don't need anything" when asked what they want for a holiday gift.  Or, they might state only one item that they actually need.  "Just get me some slippers", they say.  Knowing that the ones they have are beginning to wear out.  We can take a lesson from their wisdom.

Greed can be stressful and cause increased stress among those around you.  That's why it's important to keep your desires in check during the holidays.  What's enough?  Ask yourself this frequently while shopping, cooking, spending, and especially when taking in substances like alcohol, sugar and marijuana.  When asked, "What do you want for Christmas?," stop for a moment and consider the giver who may be strapped for money, or worried that whatever they get you might not be "good enough".  Be simple in your desires, and simple in your giving.

Happy Holidays!
Namaste

Thanks to William Brawley for the great holiday photo
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Simplifying Thanksgiving and Lowering Stress

In America, from Halloween until New Years, stress levels tend to rise.  There are many things that perpetuate this trend, such as increased shopping, spending, eating and outward focus, as the holiday season is about giving and sharing time with family and friends.

One of the reasons the holidays have become so hectic is because over the generations, we've tended to make these events much more complicated than they need to be.  In fact, simplifying these events can bring back the joy and reduce stress levels for everyone.

For Thanksgiving this year, keep in mind that you don't have to prepare a large event gathering all by yourself.  Though it is a large feasting event, there is no need for there to be multiple things for one person to prepare.  This only leads to feeling overwhelmed with keeping track of it all.  Be sure to reduce your load by asking everyone who attends to help out by bringing a dish.  This not only helps the person(s) preparing the main meal, but also gives attendees something to do so they can feel they've contributed to the event.

Once people arrive, have simple tasks ready to assign out to anyone offering to help.  There are a number of things others can do to participate in the preparation of the main meal, such as chopping foods, setting the table, carving the meat, pouring wine, greeting guests, etc.  If you are a guest, be sure to show your thanks by offering to do some of these helpful things.

Thanksgiving is about gathering to give thanks.  So be ready to step back and let conversations unfold.  Consider a living room gathering during dessert in which each person is given the opportunity to express what they are thankful for.  Leave some various board games accessible for people who want to play and converse, and stay mindful about what you are personally thankful for as you include yourself in the unfolding festivities. 

There is no need to complicate the event by adding in shopping, which pulls people away from the event and distracts from the festivities.  Something to consider instead is a traditional after-dinner movie, such as A Christmas Carol, or Scrooge.  Or maybe traditional holiday cartoons to keep it light and fun.  Allow plenty of time for visiting with your guests, since this gathering together is really what it's all about.

Keeping the holidays simple is the best way to keep your stress and anxiety at a minimum.  You want to be able to enjoy it and capitalize on the opportunity to relax, catch your breath, and most of all... remember what you are thankful for.

Thanks to Martin Cathrae for the great holiday photo
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