Assertiveness: The "Fight" in Fight-or-Flight

The "fight" part of the fight-or-flight response produces a lot of adrenaline, since it was originally meant to provide the biological strength to attempt to survive a real life-threatening event.  But in our modern world, what we perceive as danger is a little different now than it might have been in our early human history.  

In today's modern world it feels scary just to assert ourselves to ask for a raise, say what we want and need, and speak our mind or have our voice. 

That's why assertiveness is so important and why it's as equally important to recognize that the raised symptoms of anxiety when asserting ourselves are fairly normal, especially when we are first learning to assert ourselves, and practicing ways to stand our ground.  

On one end of the scale is passivity, in which we might fall silent and do or say nothing to defend ourselves in social and professional setting.  The far other extreme is aggression, in which we may over-do it and fall into the angry trap of yelling, using aggressive body language, and even becoming physically abusive.  

Somewhere in the middle ground is assertiveness, in which we use our best relaxation techniques to stay calm, while also standing firm.  At these times our body may fear "attack", which basically means an aggressive response, or something that just feels potentially dangerous, and may either be life-threateningly dangerous, or is perceived that way.

Assertiveness has four basic parts to it, and all are best presented with "I" statements.  These include:  "What I think", "What I feel", "What I want", and "What I need".  Before practicing assertiveness, it's good to remind yourself that you may not get what you want or need in the end, as others have the right to say no or disagree with you.  But expressing your view and feelings and asking for what you want and need can many times lead to a good response that turns things in the right direction, and is a far better reply than passivity or aggression.

When first practicing assertiveness you may experience many of the usual symptoms of anxiety.  Shortness of breath, sweaty palms, increased heart rate, tense muscles, and shakiness. But the "fight" of fight-or-flight helps you to stand in the midst of these symptoms, and relaxation techniques will be your friends to power through it.

Very key during assertive encounters is to relax your stomach muscles.  This helps to lower your diaphragm and allow more oxygen into the lower third of the lungs.  A tight stomach is an old human response to danger, and raises the diaphragm which produces short and shallow breathing more familiar to running.  Practicing slow abdominal breathing prior to an assertive encounter can help create this more relaxed stance.

And practice is your friend.  If you are asking for a raise, confronting a renter for payment, or asking a roommate to do their fair share of chores, practice on paper and also practice out loud so you can hear yourself saying the words you need to say.  Make sure you are doing all you can to use "I" statements.  You may not do this perfectly at first, but when you fall into the pattern of using "you" statements (i.e., you never take your turn doing dishes, you're always late paying the rent, or you don't appreciate me as an employee), you put the other person on defense, and from there the communication can fall apart.

Always practice and follow the key steps to standing your ground, rather than falling passive:  1) What I think:  "I think it's important that the chores be fair to avoid any feelings of resentment.", 2) What I feel: "And I am feeling some resentment as I've been doing the dishes more often lately." 3) What I want:  "I want us to get along and have a fair relationship". 4) What I need:  "I need to know that the chore of doing the dishes is actually going to be split 50/50 so I don't feel so resentful all the time".

In this example there might be a certain level of anxiety that the other person might get upset, begin to yell, deny not doing their fair share, or argue they do plenty of other things, so should not have to agree to your request.  This is the second layer of assertiveness training.  The response.  

Preparing for various responses is also a good thing to consider.  Knowing what it is you actually want and need in the end is important.  For instance, in this case if you truly want you and another person to split doing dishes 50/50, you will prepare to answer when the defense comes that they do other things they feel buy them out of their half of doing dishes.  Working to not allow topics to get off track, it's okay to agree to discuss the other chore another time, and stay focused on the topic at hand.  "I'm willing to discuss those other chose another time, but for now I'd like to just talk about the fair division of doing the dishes."

Assertiveness does not have to turn in to aggression, and it doesn't have to lead to fights.  But that is the fear and it's why it involves a certain level of anxiety symptoms familiar to the "flight" in the fight-or-flight response.  It's also why many people tend to fall into passivity instead, but passivity is a slow erosion of your sense of self, your confidence, and only leads to resentment that eats your up from the inside out.

Assertiveness takes practice.  You won't be a pro at it overnight.  It takes some time to study it, practice it, put it on paper, then give it a try in a few safe situations.  It has a very close connection to your self-esteem, which really just asks how much you value yourself.  When we value something, we take good care of it, have boundaries and rules around it, protect it and insist other do the same.  It's not about being aggressive and demanding, and it's not about falling silent and hanging onto resentment.  Assertiveness is a skill that you can develop over time, and in the end, it has the tremendous potential to lower symptoms of anxiety.

You can find three prior blog entries I've done talking about Abdominal Breathing and how much it helps to lower symptoms of anxiety, here, here, and here.

"Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women."     ~Maya Angelou

Thanks to Mark Freeth for the great image, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/deed.en

Abdominal Breathing: Your Number One Tool for Fighting Stress

This month marks the achievement of 10 years for this blog and to celebrate we'll travel back in time to the very first blog entry in March of 2015 where we looked at the importance of abdominal breathing in the reduction of stress and anxiety.  You can find that blog entry here

There are so many good things that come from learning and practicing slow, relaxed, abdominal breathing that once you've experienced the benefits, you will keep this technique close at hand to help you in any stressful situation that leads to increased anxiety.

The benefits of abdominal breathing are plentiful.  On top of decreasing muscle tension, it lowers your blood pressure and heart rate, which are two of the most common symptoms experienced by individuals who have panic and anxiety disorders.  It also reduces the stress response and lowers the levels of cortisol steroids in the body, which tend to flood the system when a stress response is present.

In addition, slow relaxed breathing releases endorphins, the feel-good chemicals that relieve pain, reduce stress, and improve mood.  It also helps to reduce insomnia and improve sleep, as well as improve overall energy.  This kind of breathing helps get more oxygen to the lower third of the lungs, which helps overall bodily functioning, muscle tension, and getting needed oxygen into the tissues.

All of the benefits mentioned here are why most people turn to slow abdominal breathing as the first- choice method for reducing symptoms of panic, anxiety, and stress.  It requires no pills, gadgets, tools, or devices and costs nothing at all.  It is readily available and can become your number one mindfulness exercise with the fastest results.

So, using the link above, travel back to the first entry of this blog from ten years ago and see what you can do with your breathwork.  It's one way to gain more control over your symptoms and see for yourself the results of slowing your breathing.  

"Breathing in I calm my body.  Breathing out, I smile."     ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Thanks to karoly czifra for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Abdominal Breathing: Relaxing the Stomach to Relieve Stress

If you suffer from anxiety, you may not realize that when your body responds to real or perceived danger, the fight or flight response triggers your tummy to flex and tense in order to either run from danger or to stay and fight it. 

When this happens the tense stomach muscle pulls in and as it does it pushes the diaphragm (a muscle sitting just below the lungs) upward, creating a crowded situation in your lungs.  You may notice in your symptoms of anxiety that your breathing becomes short and shallow and this is why, because there is much less room in the lungs for getting oxygen in.  An extreme example of this is hyperventilation, in which you breathe rapidly in very short and shallow breaths.

A remedy to help bring your symptoms of anxiety down is to focus on slow abdominal breathing, which requires you to relax the tummy muscle causing your lower abdomen to protrude a little.  As you do that the diaphragm muscle lowers and this creates a release of the pressure up under the lungs.  This can help bring fresh oxygen down and into the lower third of the lungs, which helps to refresh and relax the body.

For these reasons, focusing on slow abdominal breathing has become one of the fastest and most effective ways to lower your symptoms of anxiety in the moment, and particularly when it feels that your symptoms are escalating, such as during a panic attack.

Practicing your breathing techniques during times of no stress, for instance when you are at home and relaxed or meditating, can help you be ready and knowledgeable about what to do when under stress in a more difficult situation.  

Remember as well that the fight or flight response is triggered when there is real or perceived danger, so if you are not in real danger, then checking your beliefs is also important as just the belief that there is danger will create the same situation and the same shallow breathing.

So do your reality check, and then slow the breathing with well-practiced abdominal breathing.  To expand your knowledge about abdominal breathing, you can find my prior blog entry-- Abdominal Breathing-- here 

"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.  Conscious breathing is my anchor."    ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Thanks to Y Lamar Yancy for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Monkey Mind: Meditation and Stress Reduction

Meditation is very common.  Maybe we all know at least one person by now who does it.  For many, it just means sitting still and being quite for awhile.  For others, it's a way to slow the breath, lower the heart rate, and reduce anxiety.  But what a lot of people don't realize about meditation is that its main purpose is not only to become aware of the thinking that races on inside of our heads, but to practise the art of not getting carried away by that thinking.

One common analogy is to imagine yourself looking out at the horizon while sitting on a beach.  As you look out over the ocean's surface, you imagine a boat entering your view from the left.  You notice the boat as it meanders across the surface of the horizon to the right, until slowly it vanishes off the screen of your mind, out of sight and "out of mind".

In the same way, thoughts also enter our mind as we meditate.  For instance, the grocery list might come to mind just like the boat when it entered your view.  If we are skilled at meditation, we can notice the thought and then watch it fade from our mind, just like watching the boat on the horizon as it meandered out of view.

However, what tends to happen with many of us instead, is that we might notice the thought of the grocery list, and that makes us think of something else which distracts our thinking mind.  The thought of the list leads to thinking about getting gas in the car while we're out, and then we recall we haven't put a certain item on that list and we worry we might forget.  That might lead us to think about an elderly relative that had memory problems and so we wonder what we will be like when we get old.

On and on the thoughts go until we are off track and the mind is racing.  This is commonly called the Monkey Mind, because it is jumping from "branch to branch" (or thought to thought), just like a monkey does.  And where the mind goes, the feelings follow.  So if the mind is jumping from one stressful thought to another, the body will not be as relaxed as it might be if we were doing something more focused with our mind, such as counting the breath.

Meditation takes practise, but you can get much better at it with steady repetition.  Here is a simple exercise to try when you have a little time:

After you've settled into your usual meditation posture and taken a few breaths, imagine that as you breathe, you can actually see each number right in front of you, as if each were projected on the back of your closed eyelids.  1...2...3... and so on.  When you get to 10, begin to see the numbers in reverse order, such as 10...9...8... and so on, until you are back to 1, and then repeat.  If you are not really a visual person, or have problems imagining things visually, then imagine the sound instead.  Imagine your voice, or another woman or man's voice saying the numbers as you count, "one"..."two"..."three", etc.  If you find that you have gotten off track or some distracting thought (like the grocery list) has entered your mind, just notice it, and then return to the beginning and start all over again.

It's very important to not be too hard on yourself when doing these exercises.  They should be done with a nonjudgmental intention, and a large dose of self compassion.  Don't beat  yourself up with thoughts like, "I messed up again", or "I just can't get this right".  Just notice when you've gone off track, and return to the beginning and start over.

Thanks to Brian Carson for his great photo - Morning Meditation

Pausing to reduce Stress and Anxiety

A fabulous stress reduction idea was created by meaning to pause®.  It's called the pause braclet.  It gives a "private but deliberate" reminder (by means of a gentle vibration) periodically to help people stay focused and present.  The reminder helps people to stay aware and perhaps take an inventory of where they are with their thinking, breathing, or behavior in the present moment.

Staying focused in the present is not an easy task, but with practice we can get better at it as time goes on.  There are many methods like the pause bracelet that can help us to bring our awareness to the present moment.

At the Zen monastery of Plum Village in the south of France--a monastery created by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh--there is something called The Bell of Mindfulness.  At the monastery, a bell tone is made periodically so everyone in the village can hear it and at which time they pause momentarily.  On their website they have posted,  "When we hear one of these mindfulness bells ring, we stop all of our conversations and whatever we are doing, and bring our awareness to our breathing.  The ringing bell has called out to us:  Listen, listen.  This wonderful sound brings me back to my true home."

The point is, that we can use many things throughout our day to nudge us a bit to take a moment and pause.  The sound of an airplane going overhead.  The ding of a new incoming email on our phone.  The sound of the engine in our car as we turn the key.

Reminders don't have to be just auditory, either.  They can be from a variety of our senses, such as each time we see a red light and slow our car to a stop.  Pause.  Each time we smell the aroma of our neighbor's fireplace.  Pause.  Each time we feel the warmth of clothes freshly being lifted from the dryer.  Pause.  When the cat meows.  When you hear a door close or open.  Pause.

You can decide what your "Mindfulness Bell", or bell(s) will be, but whatever they are, be sure they have associations for you with your willingness to pause for just a moment so that you can become aware of your true self, which only exists... right now.

Thanks to Eric Walker for his lovely photo - Pause

Chanting and the sound of Meditation

Chanting is to sing, speak or even hum words or syllables.  It can be done in one or more tones for harmony and is frequently done for spiritual reasons or as prayer. 

There is a very relaxing and meditative feel to chanting and it can be fun to do alone or with others to allow for a full and harmonic sound.

The relaxing sound and vibration of chanting can be very soothing and helps to reduce stress and anxiety.  It also helps individuals to practice deep abdominal breathing by setting a pace and emphasis on long slow breaths with full inhalations and full exhalations.

One of the most well-known of the mantra meditations is the Om mani padme hum mantra.  Tibetan Buddhists believe that chanting this mantra/meditation/prayer invokes the embodiment of compassion.  They believe that simply “viewing” the written form of the mantra does the same, and so, the written form is seen throughout the world on prayer flags, prayer wheels, and carvings. 

  

                                        

The chant itself has many different versions, from singing it like a song, to simple one-tone chants.  

Another great form of chanting is something called the metta chant or metta chanting.  Metta means "loving kindness" and so metta chanting is a way to send out loving kindness to others and to oneself.  Metta chants go something like this:

May all beings be peaceful

May all beings be happy

May all beings be safe

May all beings awaken to

the light of their true nature

May all beings be free

Many chants can be found online in CD or DVD form.  They can be ordered on Amazon, or viewed and heard on YouTube or other popular sites.  They can be done alone without music, or accompanied by a variety of instruments. 

You will need to experiment with them for awhile and find those that resonate with your particular taste in tone, wording, and beliefs.  Many of the major religions have chants associated with their rituals, but chanting can be secular as well.

Here are some great links to some of the wonderful chanting out there, including work by Deva Premal, as well as Tina Turner, who converted to Buddhism in the 1970's.

OM Chanting 

Deva Premal - The Gayatri Mantra

Tina Turner

Thanks to Jay Galvin for his great photo - Tibetan Buddhist Prayer Wheel

Abdominal Breathing: A way to reduce Anxiety and Stress

One of the original blog entries for this site was on the topic of how abdominal breathing helps to reduce stress and anxiety.  You can read that blog entry here  Abdominal Breathing: Your Secret Weapon Against Symptoms of Anxiety

Because that blog was so popular, it’s clear that many people are interested in information about using abdominal breathing to help them reduce stress and anxiety, and it’s a good thing, because it works very well.

Many times people will try abdominal breathing and feel it’s either too hard, or they will judge themselves and believe they are doing it wrong.  Usually, the reason it feels difficult or wrong is because stressful breathing has become habitual at that point and most likely has replaced natural and normal breathing patterns.  You could say that the unnatural breathing has become the new normal, or at least what feels normal.  Un-learning the bad form of breathing will feel unnatural at first, even difficult, but you can become better at it with practice.

It helps to understand that the diaphragm is a muscle that sits below the rib cage and when you flex your tummy, the tight muscles push the diaphragm upward and into the bottom of your lungs, thus crowding the lower part of the lungs.  This pressure under your lungs leaves less room for air to enter, so you get less air and tend to breathe more into the upper chest, which is more like hyperventilating than really breathing in a relaxed way. 

If you relax your tummy instead, and even let it pooch out a little when you breathe in, this lowers the diaphragm and allows the lower part of the lungs to relax downward and fill with more fresh air.  This brings more oxygen into the body with every inhalation, and takes more toxic carbon dioxide out with each exhalation.  For a while, you may have to consciously work at extending your tummy each time you breathe in, and consciously push your tummy inward each time you exhale, just until this starts to become more natural and the new normal.   

Take it slow and be patient with yourself.  Most of all, stop believing those false social norms that say you should suck or hold your gut in or try to flatten your stomach by holding your breath or flexing your stomach all the time.  Those false beliefs only make you more tense and perpetuate even more unhealthy breathing.

Thanks to Robert Couse-Baker for the great photo - The Winds of Spring

Abdominal Breathing: Your Secret Weapon against Symptoms of Anxiety

Not only does one minute of proper abdominal breathing slow down the heart rate and reduce many other symptoms of anxiety, but it redirects your mental attention to the abdominal area, and if you remain focused there, then you are not focused on all the "what if" thinking that tends to create the illusion of danger that isn't really present.  When the mind focuses on one thing at a time like this--especially the healthful task of balanced breathing--it cannot also be obsessing about the possibility of danger that isn't even there, or be distracted with other faulty thinking styles which trigger these symptoms in the first place.

If you are convinced that you already know how to perform abdominal breathing properly, it might be time to look a little closer.  It's not just about taking a nice deep breath or letting out a good sigh.  Abdominal breathing is a very specific kind of breathing and may require attentive practice for some before the process begins to become more unconscious and natural.  This means you can't gain the skill virtually by reading about it in this article, or simply witnessing a baby doing it--which, by the way, babies do very naturally.

Instead, after you read this article--and in order to really gain the benefits of abdominal breathing--you will need to sit back and actually begin a new practice of intentionally trying this kind of breathing several times throughout your day in order to train your mind and body to begin doing it more naturally.

Try this:  Sit back in your seat but upright (not slumped), and be sure to relax your shoulders.  Now breathe in slowly while at the same time allowing your stomach to expand out.  This requires that you relax your stomach and let it move outward while at the same time inhaling.  Then, as you exhale, let your stomach sink back in deeper and deeper as you push air up and out.  Try this for a few breaths.  Different, isn't it?  Now try it for a full sixty seconds.

One full minute of this kind of breathing reduces many of the symptoms of anxiety associated with panic attacks and anxiety.  In other words, during and after just one minute of abdominal breathing, you have the power to slow down the heart rate, reduce muscle tension, lower sweat gland activity, and even more--prevent the mind from focusing on the "what if" trigger-thoughts that typically start the fight-or-flight stress response inappropriately in the first place.

So, if you are suffering from chronic symptoms of anxiety, panic attacks, and all around symptoms of stress, consider taking another look at the most commonly suggested coping skill for reducing these symptoms--abdominal breathing.  It may be worth seeing if  you've given it a fair shake.

Thanks to Mae Chevrette for the great photo - breathe