In today's modern world it feels scary just to assert ourselves to ask for a raise, say what we want and need, and speak our mind or have our voice.
That's why assertiveness is so important and why it's as equally important to recognize that the raised symptoms of anxiety when asserting ourselves are fairly normal, especially when we are first learning to assert ourselves, and practicing ways to stand our ground.
On one end of the scale is passivity, in which we might fall silent and do or say nothing to defend ourselves in social and professional setting. The far other extreme is aggression, in which we may over-do it and fall into the angry trap of yelling, using aggressive body language, and even becoming physically abusive.
Somewhere in the middle ground is assertiveness, in which we use our best relaxation techniques to stay calm, while also standing firm. At these times our body may fear "attack", which basically means an aggressive response, or something that just feels potentially dangerous, and may either be life-threateningly dangerous, or is perceived that way.
Assertiveness has four basic parts to it, and all are best presented with "I" statements. These include: "What I think", "What I feel", "What I want", and "What I need". Before practicing assertiveness, it's good to remind yourself that you may not get what you want or need in the end, as others have the right to say no or disagree with you. But expressing your view and feelings and asking for what you want and need can many times lead to a good response that turns things in the right direction, and is a far better reply than passivity or aggression.
When first practicing assertiveness you may experience many of the usual symptoms of anxiety. Shortness of breath, sweaty palms, increased heart rate, tense muscles, and shakiness. But the "fight" of fight-or-flight helps you to stand in the midst of these symptoms, and relaxation techniques will be your friends to power through it.
Very key during assertive encounters is to relax your stomach muscles. This helps to lower your diaphragm and allow more oxygen into the lower third of the lungs. A tight stomach is an old human response to danger, and raises the diaphragm which produces short and shallow breathing more familiar to running. Practicing slow abdominal breathing prior to an assertive encounter can help create this more relaxed stance.
And practice is your friend. If you are asking for a raise, confronting a renter for payment, or asking a roommate to do their fair share of chores, practice on paper and also practice out loud so you can hear yourself saying the words you need to say. Make sure you are doing all you can to use "I" statements. You may not do this perfectly at first, but when you fall into the pattern of using "you" statements (i.e., you never take your turn doing dishes, you're always late paying the rent, or you don't appreciate me as an employee), you put the other person on defense, and from there the communication can fall apart.
Always practice and follow the key steps to standing your ground, rather than falling passive: 1) What I think: "I think it's important that the chores be fair to avoid any feelings of resentment.", 2) What I feel: "And I am feeling some resentment as I've been doing the dishes more often lately." 3) What I want: "I want us to get along and have a fair relationship". 4) What I need: "I need to know that the chore of doing the dishes is actually going to be split 50/50 so I don't feel so resentful all the time".
In this example there might be a certain level of anxiety that the other person might get upset, begin to yell, deny not doing their fair share, or argue they do plenty of other things, so should not have to agree to your request. This is the second layer of assertiveness training. The response.
Preparing for various responses is also a good thing to consider. Knowing what it is you actually want and need in the end is important. For instance, in this case if you truly want you and another person to split doing dishes 50/50, you will prepare to answer when the defense comes that they do other things they feel buy them out of their half of doing dishes. Working to not allow topics to get off track, it's okay to agree to discuss the other chore another time, and stay focused on the topic at hand. "I'm willing to discuss those other chose another time, but for now I'd like to just talk about the fair division of doing the dishes."
Assertiveness does not have to turn in to aggression, and it doesn't have to lead to fights. But that is the fear and it's why it involves a certain level of anxiety symptoms familiar to the "flight" in the fight-or-flight response. It's also why many people tend to fall into passivity instead, but passivity is a slow erosion of your sense of self, your confidence, and only leads to resentment that eats your up from the inside out.
Assertiveness takes practice. You won't be a pro at it overnight. It takes some time to study it, practice it, put it on paper, then give it a try in a few safe situations. It has a very close connection to your self-esteem, which really just asks how much you value yourself. When we value something, we take good care of it, have boundaries and rules around it, protect it and insist other do the same. It's not about being aggressive and demanding, and it's not about falling silent and hanging onto resentment. Assertiveness is a skill that you can develop over time, and in the end, it has the tremendous potential to lower symptoms of anxiety.
You can find three prior blog entries I've done talking about Abdominal Breathing and how much it helps to lower symptoms of anxiety, here, here, and here.
"Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women." ~Maya Angelou
Thanks to Mark Freeth for the great image, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/deed.en
