Meditation in the Winter: Finding Relaxing Stillness

Winter can be a very peaceful and calming time.  For one thing, it is quiet.  Snow tends to give an insulating feeling to your surroundings and cushions sound and mood.

Symbolically, we turn inward in the winter time, a little bit like hibernating bears.  Although we don't sleep the winter away like they do, we do slow down, crave different kinds of foods, and experience a changed metabolism.  We also tend to turn in a little earlier at night when the sun sets sooner than other times of the year.

Winter also moves us to seek out things that are cozy, like warm fires and hot coco, as well as soft sweaters, fleece hats and wools socks.  These cozy things are reminiscent of our time in the womb when our surroundings were literally wrapped around our entire being, and brought us the support of our universe as we knew it then.

While turning inward we become more contemplative, perhaps do some writing or artwork (such as painting and drawing), or maybe some cooking and baking, reading, and other home projects.  We tend to get a little more creative overall.

Winter is also a great time for meditation.  The push to be indoors brings us right to the company of our meditation mat and the quiet surrounding is perfect for our practice of stilling the mind.  Always remember that you won't do this perfectly as the determination of the monkey-mind will want to interrupt the peacefulness of any soft winter sitting.  But do your best and allow yourself the patience you deserve to approach your winter stillness with self-compassion.

Your meditation can include the contemplation of your unanswerable life's question (your koan), or perhaps the meaning of a good poem can help you stay focused.  Here is one by Robert Frost to give you some pause.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Thanks to Jonathan Cook-Fisher for the great photo from Truckee River South Lake Tahoe, CA

Reducing Anxiety: Taming the Mind

When we “take life apart” we realize that it is made up of many place-holders we have created as a species to represent other things.  For instance, paper printed with ink is called “money” and is put in place of something we call “value” and so we label these “pieces of value” in our pocket as “fives” and “twenties” and even though they measure the same size and fold the same way in our pocket, one is assumed to be more valuable than the other based on the printing we have placed on each particular piece of paper.

It took a lot of thought to come up with these sophisticated methods of functioning in the world, but many of us have grown to live by them.  When an electronic light, installed on a metal post on the corner of a human-created street comes on (thanks to our human-created electricity) and that light is red but not green, we stop our human-created vehicle at the human-created white cross-walk, and we wait a bit so that other vehicles can do something different depending on the color of the electronic light they see on “their” metal post, on “their” side of the street, and so on.

We have done this with many things and you can see that we have used languages all over the world to then place judgment on the parts and pieces we have put in place to represent reality.  Judgment just means we have created dualism--breaking things in to more parts such as “good or bad”, “right or wrong”, “acceptable or unacceptable”, and so on.  And by this means we have created the chaos of the world that deciphers what constitutes the hierarchies we will live by.   What we will praise or shame children for.  What we will give a gold medal or prison time for.  What defines the value of a human being--be it wealth, skin color, sex, size of home, size of bodily organs, popularity of belief, level of knowledge, age, etc.

One step beyond this phenomena, is that we have identified with this pretend-world we have created and come to believe that the place-holders are the real thing.  Or that the one piece of paper that folds the same as the other identically sized and shaped piece of paper in my pocket, “actually is” more valuable than the other.  Or that the white person we have valued more highly than the black or brown-skinned individual “actually is” more valuable than the others.  That the male “actually is” more valuable than the female, and the dog and cat “actually are” more valuable than the chicken or the cow.  By use of the word “identify” I mean we have really embraced it as our reality, but more importantly as “who and what reality really is as a whole”.

In true meditation practice—when someone sits down on a mat and relaxes the body and becomes quiet—the aim is not just to find a little peace.  Meditation begins with the practice of quieting the mind so that you might first begin to see all of these parts and pieces floating around, distracting you and dragging you out of this moment and out of reality.  Instead, focusing on something “right here” (i.e., the breath, my big toe, the sound of traffic outside, the hum of the refrigerator), you begin to see what is actually present “before” all the chatter and distraction of the brain’s busy-thinking pulls you away. 

In Zen practice this is called “before thinking mind”.  It means, before judgments, before labels, before opinions, before we take off with things mentally and verbally, but most importantly it means, before we exit the present moment by attaching ourselves to the ox (the thinking mind) that wanders off into the woods of our judging dualism, where we can get lost for hours, days, weeks, and even a lifetime.  And it’s here we find the source of our ruminations, anxieties, depression, sorrows, angers, worries, and we find we have fully identified (come to believe as real) each and every one of these thoughts, labels, representations, and opinions. 

We know in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that when we identify with something as true, the feelings follow.   If I believe that I am less valuable because I am female, or if I believe I am more valuable because I am male, then the feelings will follow.  If I believe I am in danger, even if I am not, I will have understandable anxiety in situations that others might not understand.  If I believe that the world has gone to hell in a hand-basket, then feelings about that will follow and I might feel discouraged, disillusioned and disappointed.  Contrary to popular belief, Buddha did not say “You are what you think”.  What he actually is noted to have said was, “What you think, you become”.

Taming the mind is an ongoing process and only the greatest of Zen Masters do it well.  The depictions of the famous Ten Ox Herding images define this life-long and ongoing process.  The Ox herding images define stages of the process of taming this wandering mind (the Ox) and eventually bringing ourselves into the present moment “as much as possible”.  Anxiety and depression are naturally reduced in this way and in this practice.  No one does it perfectly, but those who practice diligently tend to improve with it over time.

The image above that I have used for this blog is the fourth (number four of ten) of the Ten Ox Herding images in Zen practice.  It represents “you” having seen the need to tame these wandering thoughts—the mind (the Ox) that distract you from the present moment, and having a lead (or rope) on it, about to sit down and begin the work of taming this mind (the Ox).  Not controlling it, not abusing it as we abuse real ox and other animals, not torturing it and demanding its submission, not shaming or praising it, but taming it.

The image above of the Ox is a “place-holder” representing something else, just like words represent things but aren't really the things.  It is not your enemy or friend.  It isn’t good or bad.  There is nothing right or wrong in it.  It’s a symbolic representation of your relationship with reality.  It’s a tool, just like language is.  It’s about the journey back home where reality still exists and thoughts are tamed so they no longer drag you off into the woods of the past where depressive feelings can follow, and they no longer drag you off into the woods of the future where anxious feelings can follow.  Instead, you train your mind (the Ox) to stay in the present (i.e., taming the Ox to stay near).  This takes time.  Patience.  Diligence.  Practice.  Focus.  Repetition.  And when I say it takes “Faith” I mean, it takes a belief in this process (not necessarily in a god, goddess or entity) and that it is worth sticking with it.

Start meditation by simply focusing on the counting of the breath.  Focus on the breath with every ounce of your awareness.  Count "one" breathing in.  "Two" breathing out.  "Three" breathing in, and so-on, up to "ten", and then begin again.  

As you notice the mind wander here and there (like the Ox wandering off into the woods), just give a tug on the rope and pull it back to the present.  Start all over no matter where you were at.  Be kind and compassionate to the Ox!  "One" breathing in, and "two" breathing out, and so on.  Try to keep your awareness only on the breath, the counting of the breath, and returning to the breath over and over.

"Anxiety, the illness of our times, 

    comes primarily from our inability 

        to live in the present moment"

                ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Autumn: The symbolic push to seize the moment

There is something about Autumn that everyone seems to like.  Ask most anyone and they will express a like for the cooler temperatures, wearing their favorite sweaters at last, walking in the colorful Fall leaves, or drinking warm beverages like coco, cider and tea.

It's the time of year where we can capitalize on relaxation, creativity, and a connection with nature since it is comfortable enough to be out in the elements, and the season offers something for all of the senses.

But this time of year also offers a lot of symbolism about life, transitions and the reality that nothing ever stays the same, everything is in constant change, and there is evidence all around us that we don't have forever to do the things we want to do in this lifetime.

Robert Frost put it well in his classic poem (so symbolic of Autumn in itself), 

Nothing Gold Can Stay:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold,
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

I'm reminded of the existentialists who frequently get accused of being the downers in life, but in reality they are the writers and thinkers who bring to light the need for all of us to come home to the present moment, which is where life actually exists.  They push us a little bit to find meaning in our lives.  They are the questioners of life itself and encourage us to ask, "What does it mean to exist?" But more than that, they push us to find meaning in this existence that brings us such constant change, including birth and death.  Why is it that this transitional time of year, which symbolically represents death and the reality that "nothing gold can stay"-- is so beautiful, and so welcomed and enjoyed by most?

There is something very relaxing in getting out and enjoying this time of year.  Be sure to get out and walk among the leaves and colors and let your senses take it all in.  The smell, the sight, the sound... And while you are out there, be sure to ask yourself, "Why am I here?"  "What is my personal meaning in this life?"  Are you waiting around for some other person, organization, or entity to define this for you?  What would it be like to create this meaning for yourself?  What are you waiting for?  Nothing gold can stay!  

Thanks to Ian Sane for the great photo

Having Realistic Expectations is the Way out of Suffering

Disappointment is something most of us learn at an early age.  We can get disappointed due to just about anything we've built up an expectation about, and our expectations get built up because we come to believe something will be a certain way.  But when it's not the way we expected, then disappointment comes.

There are small disappointments like believing your usual ice cream will be readily on the shelf (although I'm probably projecting on this one) and then due to COVID it turns out that many things are suddenly out of stock for a while and it sinks in that you just won't be able to have what you were once used to having.  

Small disappointments can also be simple things like thinking a package will be delivered on time but finding out it's been delayed, or looking forward to a movie with a good friend, but the friend needs to cancel due to some event that has come up in their life.

Disappointments are unfortunate, but they are a part of life and so we learn to cope with them and take them in stride.  We learn that not everything will go the way we expect or at least hope it will go.  So disappointment is usually something that we humans can handle and move on from.

But there is a new kind of disappointment going on right now in the world that has a much more personal tone to it, and that is the disappointment we feel when we've expected our fellow human beings to be much more ethical, moral, honest, sane, and even civil than we find them out to be.  Or we are at least witnessing them to be.  

Maybe we'd had an unspoken belief that no matter what our differences or disagreements, we'd at least be able to trust that those we thought we knew would not stoop to such levels of behavior.  And it is disappointing to experience because once we've witnessed otherwise, all trust is broken.  Sometimes we even believe that our enemies themselves will not go beyond a certain point of behavior, even though they are our enemies.  We believe that war crimes won't take place, and everyone will follow national and international laws the same way we'd all obey a basic traffic signal to avoid injuring ourselves and others.

I frequently tell my clients that frustration, disappointment and suffering come when we want things to be other than what they really are.  To want someone to love us who does not.  To want someone to be honest when they are not.  To want the truth from a liar.  To expect republican views from a democrat, or progressive views from a conservative.  To want a racist to be an anti-racist, or someone who is denying reality to see it.  To want people to vote the way we want them to vote, or to raise their kids the way we think they should raise them.  And we want our fellow Americans to act and behave the way we personally think an American should based on our personal interpretation of what an American is and should be.  But of course, the definitions differ widely.  And when reality sinks in and we see the many differences of view, opinion, and belief among us--disappointment comes.  Suffering comes because it's never the way we fully want it to be.

Acceptance is the key, but you might feel disappointed to know that acceptance is not what you expect it to be... either.

Acceptance does not mean we like what we've found.  Or that we agree with what we've found.  It means we've finally admitted to what is present, real, and true.  It's the final stage of the grief process where we reach a place of knowing what the truth is, and once we know what the truth is and can accept it with open eyes and open awareness, then we can finally make decisions about our new direction.

For instance, if you are disappointed because a relative is devoted to a political party that is opposite of the one you are devoted to, rather than wring your hands and fill your mind with hatred, you can instead accept that this reality is true: that you will not get what you want, which is for them to believe otherwise (and most of all to agree with you).  Acceptance does not mean you like it or agree with it, but that you can see it and know it is real and true.  Once you do that then you can make decisions on what direction to take your life in next.  Fighting and demanding that things be other than what they truly are will only lead to suffering

Disappointment comes because things are not going the way we wanted or expected them to go.  Acceptance leads us to healing and letting go, and it frees us from suffering.  It doesn't mean we don't grieve the loss, and it doesn't mean that we had not wished it to be different than it turned out to be.  But with acceptance we free up our energy to be more productive in areas of our lives where we can make a difference.  Trying to change things that can't be changed is only a waste of time and energy.  

We can and do absorb disappointment every single day.  Waking to the reality of these disappointments helps us make decisions about our new direction in life.  How to "move on" as they say.  Being realistic is what helps us have healthy expectations of others and of ourselves.  We can know we are stuck when we are continually trying to make something be other than what it really is, and when we do that, then suffering begins.  When we finally accept things for how they really are, we find our way out of suffering.

Thanks to photographymontreal for the great photo (https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/mark/1.0/)

Denial: A Precursor to Stress and Anxiety

In the 1980s many therapy and addiction circles had a saying that "denial" is more than just a river in Egypt.  Denial can be anything from an initial protective reaction (such as when we are told a loved one has died), all the way to serious denial about damaging addictions or other behaviors.  It is saying or deciding that something is untrue.  We can deny that we did or said something we did not do, and we can deny that the sky is green if someone tries to tell us it is.  But denying something is true when it is in fact true, is a different kind of denial.  

At some point most of us are nudged out of denial about the many things we find uncomfortable.  For instance, that we are either spending too much, drinking too much, exercising too much, haven't dealt with a personal issue yet, or need to accept that something is or isn't actually true.   But denial becomes a problem when it starts to get out of control, and that time is when we deny those things that really need to be seen, accepted, or acknowledged in order for life to run realistically, safely, and smoothly.

Sometimes we might not actually realize how stressed out we are until the signs and symptoms of anxiety begin to show themselves in factual form.  And even then, many people will still deny they are actually having problems.  Any number of physical symptoms can be traced back to a stressful lifestyle or stressful life situation that might have been unexpected, such as death, job loss, financial hardship, illness, and so on.  We can recognize we've gone into denial when we realize we are acting "as if" something is other than what it really is.

For instance, if we know that a loved one has passed away but we are still setting a table setting for them at the dinner table, we are acting "as if" they are still alive or might come through the door at any moment, rather than living with an awareness that they have actually passed away.  In addition, sometimes parents will maintain their child's bedroom long after they have grown and moved out because they don't really want to accept that they are gone and living their own lives elsewhere.  They maintain a home existence "as if" their child is still living there or might just return to their former place in the household.

When it comes to stress and anxiety we may similarly find that we are living "as if" there is no need for rest, relaxation, meditation, or quiet time.  Instead, we may be acting "as if" our body is a machine that can run non-stop, doesn't need sleep or nourishment, and can function without any sense of exposure to nature.  When physicians tell patients that the reason for their low vitamin D is lack of sunshine, many people are surprised.  In addition, when they are told that their headaches might be caused by too much time at the computer, eye and neck strain, shoulder tension, and lack of sleep, modern day humans carry on "as if" those signs and symptoms are possible, but of little consequence. 

The truth is that the toll taken on us for ignoring our daily and hourly signs of stress are enormous.  We now know that stress can enhance the speed of growth in some forms of cancer, and ask anyone who has participated in sleep research (either as a patient or researcher) and they will tell you that lack of adequate rest leads to errors and accidents.   When stress and anxiety are denied and life is carried on "as if" that tension does not exist, the human body can begin to unravel.

So how do we work to prevent as much denial as possible about our level of stress at any given moment?  We do this by applying the dual-action of:  1) taking serious daily inventory of our lives, and 2) acting on the information we gather from that inventory.  

How many hours of sleep are you getting?  Are you getting appropriate nutrition?  Have you had too much or too little of a substance, such as sugar, salt, caffeine, marijuana, alcohol, drugs, and water.  Are you getting enough exercise, physical rest, movement, non-movement, stretching or touch.  

And don't forget part two of this dual-action:  acting on the information you gather from taking daily inventories is the only way to make the change happen.  It's the move from knowing to "doing" that pulls you out of denial and returns you to a better state of awareness where you can see things as they really are.  

Denial really is more than just a river in Egypt.  It's a very important topic to tackle on your path to coping with stress.

Thanks to S J Pinkney for the great photo of "Sunset on the Nile"

Stress Management: Live and Let Live

As we all continue to adjust to the changing presentation of COVID and how it has an impact on our daily lives (especially now that there are variants weighing heavy on our minds), one of the things we can offer is to leave room for others to respond in the ways that feel safest for them, as well as to be patient and accepting of our own personal choices when it comes to mask wearing and socializing. 

Since the mask mandate was lowered, there has been a lot of anxiety among those that don't feel quite ready to stop wearing them or to discontinue practicing a more cautious lifestyle.  They also don't want to be pressured yet to be in office spaces, crowds, airports, or other places where larger groups of people gather.  Others who didn't want to wear the masks in the first place have been more than ready to stop wearing them and so their adjustment has come quite rapidly and without effort or much thought.

If you don't feel quite ready to completely stop wearing a mask or using social distancing and COVID protocol, do yourself a favor and be the first to accept this preference about yourself.  The last thing any of us needs right now is to stop listening to our own internal voice that has the right to choose what we believe is best for ourselves at any given moment.  There is no need to join any voice that chooses to condemn you for doing what you feel is safest for yourself, and you do not have to conform to anything others are choosing to do or not do in any given setting.

If you are someone that chooses to unmask now and take your freedom from the long enduring mandates of COVID restriction, let yourself enjoy that choice as well.  Enjoy the liberty at last to return to some form of normalcy.  What none of us needs right now, however, is for any part of either group preference to judge, condemn, shame or humiliate anyone of the other preference group.  We need to Live and Let Live!  Which simply means to live as you choose, and let others do the same.

The moment we stop listening to our own inner voice which tells us what our personal preferences are, is the moment we abandon ourselves and damage our own sense of internal self-trust.  Be sure to listen to your own personal truth on these growing changes as everyone continues to transition through the morphing landscape of COVID at their own preferred pace.  

Trust yourself, and let others trust their own good judgment and choice as well.  Just because your choices are different doesn't mean you are right or wrong.  It just means your view and choice differs from that of others.  Nothing more.  

Live and Let Live!  Let it become your internal motto as you work to heal through the ongoing COVID process.

Thanks to Fazingo Photos for the great picture

Gardening as Stress Reduction

With warmer weather comes the sprouting of gardens and what better place to find relaxation than an environment with blooming flowers and greenery.

The gentle color of the green plants is soft on the eyes and many gardens contain running water, fountains and other natural sounds such as birds, crickets, and insects--all of which draw the body into a natural environment full of relaxing elements directed at the senses.

Spending time walking slowly in a garden is also quite relaxing to the muscles and tendons.  Breathing in the fresh aroma of the plants and flowers relaxes the breathing and lungs, and can serve as a form of aroma therapy, which is known to trigger various areas of the brain and body-memory.

Some people enjoy spending time in a garden as the gardener, where they can plant, trim, put their hands in the soil, and create visual art with color and scenery.  Others might prefer to just enjoy the work of gardeners and show their appreciation by admiring the abundance of growth and arrangement.  Either way, most everyone can find something about a garden they like.

A powerful garden can be meditative and many individuals prefer sitting, contemplating or journaling while resting in a garden loaded with visual effects, smells and colors that draw on the senses.  Sometimes a well places statue within a garden can serve as a resting place for the eyes when practicing mindfulness meditation.

Many cities have centralized public parks with garden areas, and some have more advanced botanic gardens that can be visited for a fee.  Whichever garden you choose to spend your relaxation time in, be sure to carve out enough of your schedule to not feel rushed.  Take your time to walk the paths and take in the visuals in a leisurely and gentle pace.

"I can spend two hours grubbing about in my garden, dazed with pleasure and intent, and it feels like five minutes."         ~Alice Walker

Photo from Japanese Garden, Portland Oregon.  2021