Autumn: The symbolic push to seize the moment

There is something about Autumn that everyone seems to like.  Ask most anyone and they will express a like for the cooler temperatures, wearing their favorite sweaters at last, walking in the colorful Fall leaves, or drinking warm beverages like coco, cider and tea.

It's the time of year where we can capitalize on relaxation, creativity, and a connection with nature since it is comfortable enough to be out in the elements, and the season offers something for all of the senses.

But this time of year also offers a lot of symbolism about life, transitions and the reality that nothing ever stays the same, everything is in constant change, and there is evidence all around us that we don't have forever to do the things we want to do in this lifetime.

Robert Frost put it well in his classic poem (so symbolic of Autumn in itself), 

Nothing Gold Can Stay:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold,
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

I'm reminded of the existentialists who frequently get accused of being the downers in life, but in reality they are the writers and thinkers who bring to light the need for all of us to come home to the present moment, which is where life actually exists.  They push us a little bit to find meaning in our lives.  They are the questioners of life itself and encourage us to ask, "What does it mean to exist?" But more than that, they push us to find meaning in this existence that brings us such constant change, including birth and death.  Why is it that this transitional time of year, which symbolically represents death and the reality that "nothing gold can stay"-- is so beautiful, and so welcomed and enjoyed by most?

There is something very relaxing in getting out and enjoying this time of year.  Be sure to get out and walk among the leaves and colors and let your senses take it all in.  The smell, the sight, the sound... And while you are out there, be sure to ask yourself, "Why am I here?"  "What is my personal meaning in this life?"  Are you waiting around for some other person, organization, or entity to define this for you?  What would it be like to create this meaning for yourself?  What are you waiting for?  Nothing gold can stay!  

Thanks to Ian Sane for the great photo

Having Realistic Expectations is the Way out of Suffering

Disappointment is something most of us learn at an early age.  We can get disappointed due to just about anything we've built up an expectation about, and our expectations get built up because we come to believe something will be a certain way.  But when it's not the way we expected, then disappointment comes.

There are small disappointments like believing your usual ice cream will be readily on the shelf (although I'm probably projecting on this one) and then due to COVID it turns out that many things are suddenly out of stock for a while and it sinks in that you just won't be able to have what you were once used to having.  

Small disappointments can also be simple things like thinking a package will be delivered on time but finding out it's been delayed, or looking forward to a movie with a good friend, but the friend needs to cancel due to some event that has come up in their life.

Disappointments are unfortunate, but they are a part of life and so we learn to cope with them and take them in stride.  We learn that not everything will go the way we expect or at least hope it will go.  So disappointment is usually something that we humans can handle and move on from.

But there is a new kind of disappointment going on right now in the world that has a much more personal tone to it, and that is the disappointment we feel when we've expected our fellow human beings to be much more ethical, moral, honest, sane, and even civil than we find them out to be.  Or we are at least witnessing them to be.  

Maybe we'd had an unspoken belief that no matter what our differences or disagreements, we'd at least be able to trust that those we thought we knew would not stoop to such levels of behavior.  And it is disappointing to experience because once we've witnessed otherwise, all trust is broken.  Sometimes we even believe that our enemies themselves will not go beyond a certain point of behavior, even though they are our enemies.  We believe that war crimes won't take place, and everyone will follow national and international laws the same way we'd all obey a basic traffic signal to avoid injuring ourselves and others.

I frequently tell my clients that frustration, disappointment and suffering come when we want things to be other than what they really are.  To want someone to love us who does not.  To want someone to be honest when they are not.  To want the truth from a liar.  To expect republican views from a democrat, or progressive views from a conservative.  To want a racist to be an anti-racist, or someone who is denying reality to see it.  To want people to vote the way we want them to vote, or to raise their kids the way we think they should raise them.  And we want our fellow Americans to act and behave the way we personally think an American should based on our personal interpretation of what an American is and should be.  But of course, the definitions differ widely.  And when reality sinks in and we see the many differences of view, opinion, and belief among us--disappointment comes.  Suffering comes because it's never the way we fully want it to be.

Acceptance is the key, but you might feel disappointed to know that acceptance is not what you expect it to be... either.

Acceptance does not mean we like what we've found.  Or that we agree with what we've found.  It means we've finally admitted to what is present, real, and true.  It's the final stage of the grief process where we reach a place of knowing what the truth is, and once we know what the truth is and can accept it with open eyes and open awareness, then we can finally make decisions about our new direction.

For instance, if you are disappointed because a relative is devoted to a political party that is opposite of the one you are devoted to, rather than wring your hands and fill your mind with hatred, you can instead accept that this reality is true: that you will not get what you want, which is for them to believe otherwise (and most of all to agree with you).  Acceptance does not mean you like it or agree with it, but that you can see it and know it is real and true.  Once you do that then you can make decisions on what direction to take your life in next.  Fighting and demanding that things be other than what they truly are will only lead to suffering

Disappointment comes because things are not going the way we wanted or expected them to go.  Acceptance leads us to healing and letting go, and it frees us from suffering.  It doesn't mean we don't grieve the loss, and it doesn't mean that we had not wished it to be different than it turned out to be.  But with acceptance we free up our energy to be more productive in areas of our lives where we can make a difference.  Trying to change things that can't be changed is only a waste of time and energy.  

We can and do absorb disappointment every single day.  Waking to the reality of these disappointments helps us make decisions about our new direction in life.  How to "move on" as they say.  Being realistic is what helps us have healthy expectations of others and of ourselves.  We can know we are stuck when we are continually trying to make something be other than what it really is, and when we do that, then suffering begins.  When we finally accept things for how they really are, we find our way out of suffering.

Thanks to photographymontreal for the great photo (https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/mark/1.0/)

Denial: A Precursor to Stress and Anxiety

In the 1980s many therapy and addiction circles had a saying that "denial" is more than just a river in Egypt.  Denial can be anything from an initial protective reaction (such as when we are told a loved one has died), all the way to serious denial about damaging addictions or other behaviors.  It is saying or deciding that something is untrue.  We can deny that we did or said something we did not do, and we can deny that the sky is green if someone tries to tell us it is.  But denying something is true when it is in fact true, is a different kind of denial.  

At some point most of us are nudged out of denial about the many things we find uncomfortable.  For instance, that we are either spending too much, drinking too much, exercising too much, haven't dealt with a personal issue yet, or need to accept that something is or isn't actually true.   But denial becomes a problem when it starts to get out of control, and that time is when we deny those things that really need to be seen, accepted, or acknowledged in order for life to run realistically, safely, and smoothly.

Sometimes we might not actually realize how stressed out we are until the signs and symptoms of anxiety begin to show themselves in factual form.  And even then, many people will still deny they are actually having problems.  Any number of physical symptoms can be traced back to a stressful lifestyle or stressful life situation that might have been unexpected, such as death, job loss, financial hardship, illness, and so on.  We can recognize we've gone into denial when we realize we are acting "as if" something is other than what it really is.

For instance, if we know that a loved one has passed away but we are still setting a table setting for them at the dinner table, we are acting "as if" they are still alive or might come through the door at any moment, rather than living with an awareness that they have actually passed away.  In addition, sometimes parents will maintain their child's bedroom long after they have grown and moved out because they don't really want to accept that they are gone and living their own lives elsewhere.  They maintain a home existence "as if" their child is still living there or might just return to their former place in the household.

When it comes to stress and anxiety we may similarly find that we are living "as if" there is no need for rest, relaxation, meditation, or quiet time.  Instead, we may be acting "as if" our body is a machine that can run non-stop, doesn't need sleep or nourishment, and can function without any sense of exposure to nature.  When physicians tell patients that the reason for their low vitamin D is lack of sunshine, many people are surprised.  In addition, when they are told that their headaches might be caused by too much time at the computer, eye and neck strain, shoulder tension, and lack of sleep, modern day humans carry on "as if" those signs and symptoms are possible, but of little consequence. 

The truth is that the toll taken on us for ignoring our daily and hourly signs of stress are enormous.  We now know that stress can enhance the speed of growth in some forms of cancer, and ask anyone who has participated in sleep research (either as a patient or researcher) and they will tell you that lack of adequate rest leads to errors and accidents.   When stress and anxiety are denied and life is carried on "as if" that tension does not exist, the human body can begin to unravel.

So how do we work to prevent as much denial as possible about our level of stress at any given moment?  We do this by applying the dual-action of:  1) taking serious daily inventory of our lives, and 2) acting on the information we gather from that inventory.  

How many hours of sleep are you getting?  Are you getting appropriate nutrition?  Have you had too much or too little of a substance, such as sugar, salt, caffeine, marijuana, alcohol, drugs, and water.  Are you getting enough exercise, physical rest, movement, non-movement, stretching or touch.  

And don't forget part two of this dual-action:  acting on the information you gather from taking daily inventories is the only way to make the change happen.  It's the move from knowing to "doing" that pulls you out of denial and returns you to a better state of awareness where you can see things as they really are.  

Denial really is more than just a river in Egypt.  It's a very important topic to tackle on your path to coping with stress.

Thanks to S J Pinkney for the great photo of "Sunset on the Nile"

Stress Management: Live and Let Live

As we all continue to adjust to the changing presentation of COVID and how it has an impact on our daily lives (especially now that there are variants weighing heavy on our minds), one of the things we can offer is to leave room for others to respond in the ways that feel safest for them, as well as to be patient and accepting of our own personal choices when it comes to mask wearing and socializing. 

Since the mask mandate was lowered, there has been a lot of anxiety among those that don't feel quite ready to stop wearing them or to discontinue practicing a more cautious lifestyle.  They also don't want to be pressured yet to be in office spaces, crowds, airports, or other places where larger groups of people gather.  Others who didn't want to wear the masks in the first place have been more than ready to stop wearing them and so their adjustment has come quite rapidly and without effort or much thought.

If you don't feel quite ready to completely stop wearing a mask or using social distancing and COVID protocol, do yourself a favor and be the first to accept this preference about yourself.  The last thing any of us needs right now is to stop listening to our own internal voice that has the right to choose what we believe is best for ourselves at any given moment.  There is no need to join any voice that chooses to condemn you for doing what you feel is safest for yourself, and you do not have to conform to anything others are choosing to do or not do in any given setting.

If you are someone that chooses to unmask now and take your freedom from the long enduring mandates of COVID restriction, let yourself enjoy that choice as well.  Enjoy the liberty at last to return to some form of normalcy.  What none of us needs right now, however, is for any part of either group preference to judge, condemn, shame or humiliate anyone of the other preference group.  We need to Live and Let Live!  Which simply means to live as you choose, and let others do the same.

The moment we stop listening to our own inner voice which tells us what our personal preferences are, is the moment we abandon ourselves and damage our own sense of internal self-trust.  Be sure to listen to your own personal truth on these growing changes as everyone continues to transition through the morphing landscape of COVID at their own preferred pace.  

Trust yourself, and let others trust their own good judgment and choice as well.  Just because your choices are different doesn't mean you are right or wrong.  It just means your view and choice differs from that of others.  Nothing more.  

Live and Let Live!  Let it become your internal motto as you work to heal through the ongoing COVID process.

Thanks to Fazingo Photos for the great picture

Gardening as Stress Reduction

With warmer weather comes the sprouting of gardens and what better place to find relaxation than an environment with blooming flowers and greenery.

The gentle color of the green plants is soft on the eyes and many gardens contain running water, fountains and other natural sounds such as birds, crickets, and insects--all of which draw the body into a natural environment full of relaxing elements directed at the senses.

Spending time walking slowly in a garden is also quite relaxing to the muscles and tendons.  Breathing in the fresh aroma of the plants and flowers relaxes the breathing and lungs, and can serve as a form of aroma therapy, which is known to trigger various areas of the brain and body-memory.

Some people enjoy spending time in a garden as the gardener, where they can plant, trim, put their hands in the soil, and create visual art with color and scenery.  Others might prefer to just enjoy the work of gardeners and show their appreciation by admiring the abundance of growth and arrangement.  Either way, most everyone can find something about a garden they like.

A powerful garden can be meditative and many individuals prefer sitting, contemplating or journaling while resting in a garden loaded with visual effects, smells and colors that draw on the senses.  Sometimes a well places statue within a garden can serve as a resting place for the eyes when practicing mindfulness meditation.

Many cities have centralized public parks with garden areas, and some have more advanced botanic gardens that can be visited for a fee.  Whichever garden you choose to spend your relaxation time in, be sure to carve out enough of your schedule to not feel rushed.  Take your time to walk the paths and take in the visuals in a leisurely and gentle pace.

"I can spend two hours grubbing about in my garden, dazed with pleasure and intent, and it feels like five minutes."         ~Alice Walker

Photo from Japanese Garden, Portland Oregon.  2021

PTSD and COVID: Coping with Stress

Prior to a recent snow storm here in the Denver area people visited their local grocery store to get some extra items just in case the storm prevented safe travel for a day or two.  What was unusual, however, was that instead of picking up the typical pre-snow items, a large number of residences wiped out large sections of many grocery stores and even bought up all items in some meat departments.  It was very reminiscent of when the pandemic began in early 2020 and store shelves and inventories were emptied out (i.e., we all recall the lacking toilet paper stocks!).

It turned out that the storm was a good, heavy, Spring snow storm in the Rockies, but nothing most Coloradoans aren't used to handling well.  And though it came with high accumulations in inches, it was also melting rapidly and on its way out within a day or two.  At the same time, what many residents did "not" handle well was something they had no idea was lingering just under the surface of their fifteen-month long physical and psychological endurance of the COVID pandemic.  And that is something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, along with the hypervigilance that accompanies it.

Hypervigilance is one of several symptoms of PTSD.  The American Psychological Association defines it as:  A state of abnormally heightened alertness, particularly to threatening or potentially dangerous stimuli.  So, after the initial cleaning-out of store shelves in 2020, and a year or more of pandemic-reported loss of life, jobs, and businesses, as well as the dangers requiring social distancing, mask wearing and hand washing, all it took was the report of a pretty heavy duty Spring storm coming to the area, and many people panicked. 

There is plenty of reason to believe that people all over the world have been traumatized by this pandemic in one way or another.  And trauma is not too dramatic of a word to use when it comes to the daily exposure to threat that the world has seen in regard to the COVID-19 pandemic.  If you have not been frightened by the deadly potential of the virus itself, you've definitely been impacted by the various threats and results of multiple outcomes that have come from its presence.

So, we are all going to be a little hypervigilant and cautious for a while.  Our mask-wearing might continue for some time, and a guarded stance is not going to be all that uncommon when it comes to our PTSD and heightened anxiety.

What this means is that ongoing stress management is in order.  It's more important now than ever to have a regular relaxation system and schedule built into your daily life.  Be that meditation, journaling, soaking in a hot bath, gentle music, aromatherapy, a daily walk in the park, yoga or tai chi, or whatever it is that helps you maintain and monitor your stress response and stress symptom levels.  We are all going to be a bit hypervigilant for a while when it comes to risk of viruses and illness, but countering it with relaxation methods can prevent running on high idle with chronic anxiety that takes a toll on the body and mind.

Here are some great ideas for building stress management right into your daily schedule:

• Start or end your day with a scheduled meditation
• Fit a walk into your lunch hour
• Stop a couple of times in the day to journal about what's bothering you
• Add 5 or 10 min of gentle stretching to your morning wake time
• Take a warm evening bath to help you prepare for sleep
• Listen to gentle relaxing music during your work commute 
• Use a diffuser to add aromatherapy to your day
• Spend some time with your pets

It's easy to go about our daily lives now without awareness of our heightened state of hypervigilance which stemmed from the pandemic.  Because of this, it's important to make sure you are taking good care of yourself and fitting in as many relaxation exercises and techniques as you can.

Thanks to G Yancy for the great photo (cropped), https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Anxiety: How the Speed of Adaptation Matters

When I was in my late teens and early twenties I shared an apartment with two other friends.  One of which I gave a spare key to my car just in case I ever locked myself out of it.  One day the two roommates decided to play a prank on me and when I got off work one evening and got in my car, little did I know they'd been inside of it while I was working.  As I turned the key in the ignition, every possible electronic device in the car came on (it was the early 1980's... so the car was probably a late 1970's model).  The windshield wipers sprung to life and began flapping, the signal lights clicked on with their tapping, and the radio had been turned on and cranked up to a loud pitch.  So, as you can imagine it shocked and jolted me and I fumbled around in a daze trying to shut things off before finding a giggle inside me about the whole thing.  "Good one!" I thought.  "Those little rascals."

When I arrived home my two roommates had been eagerly awaiting my arrival and were giddy with delight to see my expression as I came through the door.  "You two!" I said, laughing.  "You scared the crap out of me!"  It was a fun and harmless prank, but a good example of sensory adaptation.  In the car, my senses had not had time to adapt to the sudden onslaught of action, activity and noise that sprang to life when I turned the key in the ignition.  So I was jolted into a little bit of shock and alarm.

In this year of COVID we had a slower form of adaptation as we gradually adjusted to things that had to change, such as less driving, less exposure to work environments, less customers, less trips to the store, less noise, less touch, less talk, etc.  And though it was a gradual change, we could say that the adaptation we made regarding COVID was actually much faster than the speed that normal human adaptation typically takes.  

And now that the vaccine is rolling out bit by bit, we are slowly attempting to adapt once again to what will be a seemingly gradual increase in stimuli.  Yet, in reality, it's actually another rapid change when compared to normal human adaptation as seen in evolution.  In the same way I found myself fumbling and flustered to shut down the various forms of stimuli in my car so long ago, we may soon find ourselves struggling to adjust to a return to higher levels of stimulation that we have had no time to adjust to, and though it will be much more gradual than that which I experienced from my two life-traveling-partners so long ago, we most likely will feel an increased level of frustration as things begin to pick back up and push us once again to adjust to levels of stimuli we are no longer used to.

If you think about it, you will recognize this feeling of frustration because you most likely experienced it when COVID first began.  Many of us were forced to adapt a little each day and a little more each week, until we were annoyed that we could no longer adhere to what our daily routine and schedule had been just days and weeks before.  But now that we've spent a year creating an entirely new routine and schedule, it is about to be interrupted to make room for change once again.

What this is already looking like is that some folks are having an increase in anxiety as they slowly become aware that they could be asked to come out of the shells they went into during COVID.  I am hearing more and more people afraid of returning to the rat race, of being asked to return to the offices they once worked in, or of jumping back into the daily traffic they have not had to fight for a year now just to get to and from work.  Many are already wondering how they will make an eventual return to the world of social contact they have not had to experienced for the last twelve months.

With anxiety our body either gears up to fight or run, and in some people right now anxiety levels are rising as would be expected in the normal fight or flight response.  In our modern world the "fight" usually means asserting ourselves or having some form of confrontation.  And the things that are leading to an increased awareness that assertiveness or confrontation might be in order are that many workers are realizing they might need to have a talk with their bosses about the possibility of a permanent change in the location and schedule of how they work from now on.  COVID has opened up a lot of possibilities and working from home has brought to light an awareness that a new hybrid of worker location may be in order even when there is no pandemic.  

So stress levels are increasing in two areas:  For one, it will be important to pace yourself in regard to a returned exposure to the world.  If you have been isolating inside, it might be a good idea to try some short practice trips into the world that feel safe and exercise all the COVID-19 protocols, but that also help you begin your gradual adjustment to more exposure to the world than you have had over the last year.  And two, if you have discovered some nice changes that this year of COVID has made in your life, it's going to be important to assert yourself and let your voice be heard so you can make any health and stress adjustments you think would be beneficial to your work-life schedule.  Most likely you are not going to be alone as many people have really enjoyed working from home and have found they prefer schedules that allow them all the time they need to get their work done while keeping a closer contact to home and family.

Whatever area will be calling for your adaptation, be sure to take it slow.  My example at the opening of this blog entry is a funny extreme of the shock factor when gradual adaptation has not been given the time it needs to do its magic.  COVID has pushed us to change much faster than evolution might normally push us, and the constant prolonged change is also taxing on the human nervous system.  Be sure to take things at a pace that works for you and see where you can make some necessary changes stick, while letting others go.

Thanks to RANT - 73 - Digital Art for the photo, https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/zero/1.0/