Self Talk: The Key to Changing How we Feel

There are a lot of stressors we all face on a daily basis, but there is also an ongoing stress that doesn't necessarily come from the environment.  It comes from inside our minds and the internal pressure we put on ourselves with expectations, poor self-talk and lack of self-compassion.  But we can work on this problem and change the way the internal dialogue plays out from hour to hour.

Self-talk is the internal messages we give ourselves (or say to ourselves) throughout the day.  These messages can be internalized from many sources.  We get them from parents, teachers, friends, and just about anywhere there has been an interaction and information taken inside and felt deeply enough to be held in our memory.

If the messages were negative, abusive, inappropriate, or just misinformed, they are still there regardless of their poor content and they can rise up and repeat at any time.  Many people have a running self-dialogue throughout the day that is quite abusive and unsupportive.  When asked, many of my clients will let me know that their internal self-belief system is one of self-hatred, self-beratement, and self-judgment.  These kinds of internalized messages can trigger anxiety and depression, as well as self-hatred unless the thoughts are stopped and replaced with kinder and more compassionate ideas of self-acceptance.

The way we talk to ourselves can be changed and identifying the internal beliefs about ourselves, intercepting them with strong disputation and logical reasoning, and replacing them with supportive, loving, and self-soothing internal dialogue can result in new feelings that are positive and encouraging.  But it takes practice, repetition, devoted work, and conscious awareness to do this.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is designed to help with this process.  First, by recognizing the beliefs you use to interpret events.  Then, by rationalizing your way through these beliefs to see if they hold any sense of truth, connection to reality, or even form logical conclusions in the end.  By disputing false beliefs, you can begin to snuff them out and return to a more realistic way of looking at the world and yourself.  Where the false beliefs might have been leading to anxiety and depression, the new and more realistic beliefs alter the outcome of how you feel.

Here is a link to a list of 15 styles of distorted thinking (or beliefs) psychcentral most of us use to convince ourselves we're just no good, incapable, or somehow unworthy.  Find the ones that you use the most, and begin the journey of challenging the false beliefs that have tripped you up the most.  Using the ABCDE Model developed by Albert Ellis Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy , you can practice every day to unravel some of this cognitive training that has convinced you that you deserve to be spoken to poorly (by yourself and others). 

"A" is the Activating Event, or what happened in any given situation, "B" is the false belief you are using to process or filter that event in your mind, "C" is the Consequence or Feeling you end up with by doing that (typically anxiety or depression), "D" is the use of Disputations to begin arguing against these false beliefs in your head, and "E" is the new and more positive Emotion you will feel by using more realistic and logic-oriented beliefs to process events in your life.

The way we speak to ourselves makes a big difference in how we feel on an ongoing basis.  Talk to yourself as if you were your own best friend.  No one wants a best friend that berates them and criticizes all day and has very little belief in them.  We want a best friend that is supportive, loving, and wants the best for us.  Be your own best friend!

Thanks to bm for the great abstract art piece, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

New Year's Resolution: Make it a Theme

January brings with it a reset point where many people make New Year's resolutions in hopes of making changes in their lives for the year to come.  However, it's no secret that many resolutions are set in January, broken by February, and nowhere to be seen beyond that point.  Like most goals, if we set them too high, or see only the finish line instead of the many steps to achieving them, they are doomed to fail before they begin.

In fact, a New Year's resolution might be the wrong way of looking at setting new goals for the year, and the pressure can come off when we change these goals and resolutions to "themes". 

Setting themes for the year can allow for progress instead of failure as we turn instead to focus more intently on what we want to change in our lives.  Themes help us pay attention to our intention for change and to keep in mind throughout the year what it is that our focus really is. 

Three of the top 10 New Year's resolutions are about health.  That is:  lose weight, exercise more, and quit smoking.  We can set goals to reach a set weight, exercise a certain number of times per week, or cut down to a certain number of smokes by a certain date.  All of which could turn into failure within a matter of days or weeks if we can't hold to it.  Or, we could also set the themes in motion come January 1st, that meal-time focus will have more intention and better food choices, movement will become something we build right into our lives (such as parking farther from entrances and exits, and taking stairs), and finding other things to do besides going for another smoke, even while lugging our cigarettes around, so as to experience what it's like to say no to self-destructive behavior.

Expanding into travel, new hobbies and adventure are also in the top 10 New Year's resolutions, but it's not uncommon to book things at a time when we feel good and not feel much like doing them when that booked event comes around.  We can also try to force ourselves into events and adventures when the money is not always available nor is the time.  But if we think of these ideas more along the lines of themes, we can put out an intention in the new year to look for adventure when it feels like it fits the schedule, budget and energy level.  This can lead only to success instead of failure and by December we will be able to reflect on the year and know we accomplished a lot more than we thought we might.

A resolution has a lot of determination in it, as well as a lot of push and pressure from within.  But a theme has an intention, and intention gives us an aim, like a compass point we try to sail our ship toward throughout the year.  A theme also has a lot less chance for failure because it's not really a goal that we are setting, but a new place to center our focus in everything we do in the coming year. 

For your "New Year's resolution" consider taking some contemplative time to reflect on what themes you'd like to focus your mind on in the upcoming year.  What would you like to pay more attention to?  What will be your top 3 themes for 2023?

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.       ~Lao Tzu

Thanks to Jesper Sehested for the great photo

Gratitude: A Mind Shift for Depression

As we approach the holiday of Thanksgiving in the United States, thoughts of gratitude become more frequent as many reflect on the year and all it has offered.  This sense of thankfulness could not come at a better time because during the winter months many people suffer from a type of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which comes as the weather changes, days become shorter and the amount of daylight temporarily decreases.  Sometimes called the "winter blues" or "winter depression", this kind of mood change can be recognized by a lack of motivation, fatigue and a noticeable increase in feelings of hopelessness.  Thankfully, exercises in gratitude can work to counter the negative thoughts that sometimes accompany these symptoms of depression. 

Since feelings tend to follow our thoughts, it only makes sense that feelings of depression can accompany negative thoughts.  Therefore, finding ways to intentionally counter the seasonal symptoms of negative thinking in the winter is a very helpful method to having a mind shift that moves the thinking to a more positive place.

When symptoms of depression set in during the cold winter months, a good relapse prevention plan can help in coping with the temporary shift in mood, and can bring the mind back around to focusing on what you would prefer, and therefore bringing the mood around as well.  

Here are some ideas to help you make this cognitive shift into a more appreciative place, and give you a feeling of gratitude for Thanksgiving:

• Whatever the setting at the moment, take a look around and realize what things you are grateful for in your immediate surroundings.
• Think of the top three things that went well this year that could have been much worse.
• Consider the individuals that helped you this year, be it in their words, deeds, or gifts.
• When it comes to your health, notice all the things your body can do and where your health remains good.  What are you grateful for about your body?
• Do you have food, shelter, transportation, running water, warmth, and overall safety?
• Have you been able to experience something special this year, such as a trip, adventure, or even an unexpected visit from someone? 

Sometimes the things we are grateful for don't have to be very impressive, large, noticeable, or even grand.  That the door is fixed, or the faucet no longer leaks, or something as simple as finding your favorite pair of shoes you thought you'd lost or misplaced.  Moving the mind to these things on a regular basis helps to train the brain to go to more thankful places and spending time there helps the mood and gives you one more tool in your bag of tricks to counter balance the winter blues.

Several times a day, take a pause and push yourself to notice three things "right now" that you are grateful for

Thanks to sierralupe for the great photo

Existential Crisis: Finding Meaning from the Pandemic

One word that gets over used a lot in the counseling world is "crisis".  We talk about spiritual crisis, mid-life crisis, and family crisis, but one crisis that has increasingly come to the forefront in the counseling world since the pandemic is the "existential crisis".

An existential crisis is all of those varied feelings and emotions that are related to asking about the meaning of life, or asking what the point is, or what the purpose is for our being here.  These questions come up all the more when we are faced with events that push the reality of our limited existence right in our face where we can no longer avoid them with work, substances, activity, or delusions.

When the pandemic stopped the world in early 2020 it shook the earth under many people who witnessed their lives, and the lives of others, change.  It brought the kinds of life changes that typically trigger an existential crisis, such as the loss of a loved one, changes in one's health, job loss, lifestyle changes, or any number of things that heighten our awareness of human limitations and unpredictable change.

Psychologically and emotionally an existential crisis can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression.  During the pandemic many people were left with great levels of uncertainty about where things were going to go, and now that the pandemic has morphed into a vaccinated and tolerable level for many, that uncertainty lingers mostly because of the fear and observations made during the core happenings of these events.  

During the heart of the pandemic (which many might argue we are not completely out of yet), we didn't just witness the death of loved ones and acquaintances, but we witnessed the behavior of human-kind as it coped (sometimes poorly) with the disease and several coexisting events that were happening (and are still happening) at the same time of the disease.

One thing that really helps with an existential crisis is grasping the truth about impermanence.  First of all, nothing you observe or wonder about will ever stay the same.  Even the pandemic has changed and morphed into various presentations over the last several years.  But everything else that has coexisted with it continued to change as well.  Jobs, relationships, levels of health, where and how you work, how we dine and shop, and our views about life and career.

Most of our suffering comes from wanting everything to stay the same when it's good.  When it changes it rocks our world and we feel upset and anxious about when the next change will come and rock our world again.  The depression comes from things not going the way we want them to, and our inability to go back in time and change them.  The anxiety comes from our awareness that we can't know what's coming all the time and can't control bad things from happening at every turn.

Understanding and accepting the reality of impermanence helps with an existential crisis because it brings some relief in knowing that we are aware and accept that change is inevitable, as opposed to being so attached to things as they are that we expect them to stay that way.  In fact, it might be most predictable thing there is to know that change will happen no matter what the situation is.

If we have something, we could lose it.  If we lose something, it could be found.  If we are healthy, that might change.  If unhealthy, we could get better.  And yes, the pandemic will change, and there could be others.  We humans adapt and change as we roll with these constant changes on an ongoing basis, but the biggest gift we can give ourselves is to not hang on so tightly to things as they are in any given moment.  Being fully present means to also be a part of a "changing" present moment.  

What this means is that in order to be this fully alive and aware, we also have to be fully conscious about what is real in any given moment.  Happy joy will not last forever and is not something we "get" and never lose.  But just as equally true, is that depression and sorrow will also not last forever, and they will break through to other emotions in time.  

Unfortunately, life itself does not last, but in accepting this reality we can learn to be fully alive in the moments we live, as we live them.  Albert Camus felt that life was quite absurd as it is, and he referred to the example of Sisyphus who was condemned to roll a stone to the top of a hill only to have it roll back down repeatedly as he returned to the bottom again and again to senselessly roll it back to the top.  But Camus also felt we should stay in the game of this life and find our way regardless of its seeming meaninglessness.  He admitted it is quite an "absurd" life we are handed by the universe, but that just because it is absurd does not mean it's not worth living.

Jennifer Michael Hecht, the author of Doubt, and more directly the author of Stay (an in-depth look at the subject of suicide among human beings who lose their sense of meaning in this life), wrote that "the feeling of meaning is sufficient to the definition of meaning, just as the feeling of love is sufficient to the definition of love."  She adds, "I believe this question of suicide allows us to see ourselves as more profoundly connected to others, and able to relax our need to each generate the entire meaning of life on our own."

Hecht's conclusion in the end was that we should "Stay" in this world and see the relevance of our importance to one another.  She concluded that we generate our own meaning for this one precious life and live that ever changing life to the best of our human ability.  I would add that we must recognize the changing nature of this life and never fall under the spell that it should stay the same from moment to moment.  If we can grasp this, we will never again be surprised at temporary or ongoing disappointments.

Thanks to AK Rockefeller for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Your Calling: Why Self-Abandonment is Never the Path

What does it mean when we've "found our path" in life?  Some define it as a "calling", or a strong pull towards some tendency, interest, or vocation.  And how would we know if we were on the right path in life, or if we'd unknowingly lost our way among the many distractions and detours life has thrown at us?

It all comes down to listening.  In the same way we listen to the wind, or rain, or the sound of animals in nature, we also have to listen to ourselves and notice that our path is carpeted with all the things that come most naturally to us, the things that bring us the most joy and things we'd probably do automatically, be it a vocation or not.

Listening to yourself means to pay close attention to how you feel, and more importantly, to not ignore what you hear.  Some of us never notice the first part of that (i.e., how we feel), and others can hear how it is they feel, but then make the mistake of ignoring it, and that is nothing more than self-abandonment.  There is no faster path to depression or anxiety than that.

Anxiety and depression are not just indications that we have been ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, but also that we have abandoned ourselves in order to be what others want us to be instead of hearing what we know is most true for ourselves.  When we abandon ourselves, we can feel it right to the core of our being because it goes against the fiber of everything we know is true about ourselves.  That's how you can recognize that you are not on the right path.  When we say that we are "not listening to ourselves" it means there is part of our inner being that is not being heard.  The true self is being ignored and left behind.

Many times we abandon ourselves in order to not be abandon by others whom we fear will reject us unless we conform to the path or demands that they place on us.  This can lead to a tremendous amount of anxiety and depression as in some cases it is very true--we really will be abandoned by others unless we conform.  For example, disapproving parents, disappointed bosses, or resentful friends.  But the price is even higher if we are the ones that abandon ourselves and stop listening to our natural tendencies.  So closing our ears to the sound of our own inner voice has a price as well and we have to decide at some point when the price has gotten too high to walk the path that others demand, and not the path that is our true way.

What are you good at?  What do you enjoy the most in life?  Know that what you are good at is not always what brings you the most joy.  What is your passion?  How does your mood change when you abandon your own passions and conform to the passions of others?  Are you doing things for money or for joy?  Are you in relationships or jobs out of fear or comfort, or because they are what you truly feel called to?

You will know you are on the right path when if feels comfortable and natural to you.  You will recognize it like a good friend.  It doesn't typically come with force.  It may or may not be impressive (at least not to others).  It will fit you like a golden slipper.  Like a glove custom made just for you.  It may bring you wealth or poverty, but you will know that money is not its point.  The most important thing at the very core of your path is that it's a true reflection of who you really are.  You and the path, are one and the same thing.

"Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind."     ~Dodinsky

Thanks to kitty terwolbeck for the great photo,   https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Calm Among Chaos: Preparing for Stressful Events

For all of us, life will have moments of stress.  In fact, it would be unrealistic to believe that any of us could ever have a completely stress free life, because even positive events, such as births, holidays, and even weddings are full of stress related concerns.  So foreseeing the arrival of stressful events can help us prepare for good self-care for the duration of any event that requires a higher level of endurance for our body and mind.

Most often we are able to see the coming arrival of an event that we know will require more of our time and energy, and it's at these times that special attention needs to be paid to giving extra effort to everything from good nutrition and sleep schedules, all the way to gentle exercise and proper hydration.

Taking a good inventory of all the ways you tend to neglect yourself during stress can help you to make a check list of things to keep close in mind in order to perform good self care when a special, or unplanned event is entering your life and raising anxiety.

Do you tend to forget to eat when stressed?  Or maybe forget to take in enough water?  Maybe you stay up too late focused on projects related to your stressful event and end up with fatigue that only hinders stress all the more.  Sometimes we can work for prolonged hours on projects and forget to take breaks or stand up to stretch, and this only leads to even more stress in the body.  Or maybe your Achilles' heel is that you have poor time management and tend to end up with a lot of unfinished bits to a project that only increases stress all the more.  

Knowing yourself and your tendencies during stress can help to prepare a plan of good self-care when you know stressful events are coming up on the schedule.  So building your self care right into the hectic schedule has got to be top priority.

Here are some ideas to help you prepare when you know a stressful event is coming:

• Schedule your meal times for the duration of the event and stick to them faithfully
• Make sure the nutrition you take in is healthy and helpful to fuel your body for the duration of the stressful situation
• Plan to carry hydration with you at all times
• Set scheduled times to go to bed and use mindfulness breathing exercises to prevent a wandering mind
• Limit the hours you will work each day on your stressful event and stick to the time frames
• Take breaks to go walk, move, stretch, exercise and get away from the technical tasks
• Avoid unhealthy coping behaviors during the stress such as alcohol or other substances, but also other kinds of addictions that can surface during stress, such as spending, over-eating, gambling, and other similar types of poor coping styles.

Since we can be guaranteed that there will be stressful events in life, the basic summary is to know yourself well and how best to help yourself cope during these stressful events when they arise in your life.

"To experience life does not mean that your life is always blissful.  It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of hectic life."  Jill Bolte Taylor, PhD.(Author of My Stroke of Insight)

Thanks to Water Alternatives Photos for the great photo https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/zero/1.0/

Filling in the Gaps: When the Brain Guesses about what Reality is.

We humans are instinctually wired to monitor our surroundings for survival.  It's what brings us right into the present moment and leads us to search for food and water as well as seek shelter and safety.  But we've also developed some amazing brains that tend to be very curious as well, and so we have discovered many things and have developed advanced knowledge and capability surrounding things within, and even outside of, our perception.

Recently the human race sent an extended "eye" out into space in the form of the James Webb Space Telescope and now the images that eye can see are being transmitted back to earth, allowing our species to see farther than we've ever seen before, and what a sight it is.  With all of this it's easy to feel like a speck in the immense state of things and yet the human brain continues to piece things together as best it can.

One thing we know about the brain is that it fills in gaps so that things at least feel like they make sense to us.  That's how we get through our days, our years and even our whole lives.  In this wonderful TED talk by Dan Dennett he gives a great example of how our brain fills in the gaps of perception (and knowledge) and allows us to (in a sense) "keep going", since we might otherwise get stuck wondering a lot of the time what is "real".  

In the talk and demo, Dennett explains why consciousness itself is not necessarily all that we have become convinced it is.  Instead, our human brain "fills in the gaps" where things make no sense.  We put in place-markers where understanding is missing and as Dennett puts it, "our brain just makes us think we know" something.  We insert many ideas, from religions to other metaphysical beliefs which we have used to fill in what some call the God of the gap, and in other areas we use the filling-in of spaces of perception and knowledge (that may not really be there) in order to have a whole picture.

Dennett explains that our brain might make a suggestion about what might be in gaps of missing knowledge or perception and that we either take the suggestion or we don't.  Our brains can take a suggestion that we then turn into a belief and then we decide that belief is fact.  In other words, and in Dennett's words, your brain just makes you "think" you have the truth, and believe me... you then believe it.

When it comes to beliefs, and especially with beliefs about anxiety, sometimes we have to question what the brain has used to fill in a gap where knowledge or perception is unclear.  When we feel uncertain, as many do these days regarding the pandemic and political upheaval around the world, our brains continue on doing what they do, (i.e., filling in the gaps about what we think is going to happen and what we should then do in order to plan for our safety and futures).

One way to address daily anxiety is to take a closer look at what "suggestion" your brain has been taking about your life, the world, and your future.  When it comes to safety, we are prone to listen to the brain's old instinct that it's a lion in the bushes, not a kitten.  It's danger and not "nothing".  It will be very bad and not bearable.  Your life will be threatened and not savable, and so on.  

Anxiety and depression are when we create stories and belief systems that can take us farther and farther from the truth, but that give us a filler for the gaps where the unknown and uncertainty linger.  Many times our anxiety is rooted in the fear of death, and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that the human body will die one day.  What is a hinderance, is the creation of either a delusional belief system that suggests that your human life will not end even though evidence tells you it will, or the creating of meaninglessness and the convincing of oneself that the time between now and that end should not be fully lived.  These are falsely created fillers that the brain takes as a suggestion to convince you it's not worth living.

None of this should suggest that we not leave our mind open to more possibility, nor risk believing some of the other suggestions made by our amazing brains to fill in the gaps of life.  It simply means that we should watch carefully what it is we have taken as fact.  Our beliefs shape our reality.  How you see the images that the James Webb Space Telescope has sent back to the eye of human-kind... matters.  What the images suggest to your brain is significant because it will shape your entire definition of reality.  Your brain might make a thousand different suggestions about what the vastness of these images mean.  Which one you buy into deciphers how you see the painting of your life.

"Real magic - refers to the magic that is not real, while the magic that is real, that can actually be done, is not real magic".  ~Lee Siegel