Using Kindness to Reduce Stress: Coping with Another Sad Mass Shooting.

As I write this blog entry, I'm also just hearing of yet another mass shooting.  This time at an elementary school in Uvalde Texas, which follows a prior mass shooting just over one week earlier at Tops Friendly Market in Buffalo New York.  All of which has raised the stress level of the country once again, especially when thinking of the young and innocent victims, as well as injured and deceased adults from both shootings.

As I've written in prior entries about other mass shootings, it's important to hear the news, absorb the story, but then limit exposure to repeated broadcasting of the same information for prolonged periods of time.  Take the information and allow yourself some time to process it, feel it, and move through your feelings about these events.  But in the end, we each must work to find a way in our lives to take positive (not violent) action.

It is not helpful to fall into the trap of believing you are helpless to these events.  There are already some who are stepping forward to donate blood, send condolences, assist the families and law enforcement workers, and donate or provide money and items needed that might be helpful.  And if you are in a different state or miles from the event, spend some time contemplating how you can make a difference in your own community when it comes to these sorts of events.  It doesn't have to be impressive.  

In addition, don't let these kinds of events blind you to the good that others are doing out there in the world.  There are many kind and good people who care very much about others and especially about children, teachers, and black lives.  And kindness is the key.  Teaching it and practicing it will help create human beings who can react properly to internal anger and rage, and kindness is what helps a community heal when an individual does not choose kindness.

Stress levels can be eased by choosing kindness in your behavior.  You don't have to save the world, and you can't.  Instead, you have to look closer to home and see what you can do in your own state, town, community and sometimes just your own neighborhood.  What can you do to make your local schools safer?  What can you do to make your community safer?  Is it a vote?  Writing an article?  Making a donation?  Talking to your local leaders?  The error comes in believing it's always others who will solve the problem, whatever it is.

So we can't turn our eyes away.  We do have to hear the story, but do not have to listen to it repeatedly for hours on end.  With the information gathered, the next step is to process our feelings.  We might need a good cry, especially over the loss of young innocent children, but equally over the lives of people of color!  We might need to journal, go running or to work out.  We might process things by taking a mental health day, or going for a walk or trip or vacation that allows us to process what we feel about this news.  Maybe we need to talk it out with another person.  But in the end, we have to get busy seeing that we have the ability to  act in some non-violent way, and in a way that is within reach.  In other words, it's not an unrealistic expectation placed on ourselves which can never be reached.  But instead, is something we can actually do.  Taking non-violent action can help ease your pain and stress, and kindness is the key.

"My religion is very simple.  My religion is kindness."     ~Dalai Lama

Thanks to R. Miller for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

A Relaxation Room of Your Own: The Comfort of your Own Cozy Space

When we think of the kinds of home environments that encourage relaxation it's easy to identify key things that make up the surroundings.  Relaxing rooms are usually clutter free, with gentle soft colors and a sense of simplicity and comfort. The idea is to introduce to the environment things that produce a calming effect, including things that are familiar to nature such as moving water, green earthy hues and aromas that are inviting but not overpowering.

Rooms created for relaxation are typically inviting, in that they provide relaxing places to sit, lounge, or meditate, and generally make a person want to stay rather than leave.  So, comfort is the name of the game.  Comfortable furniture, comfortable colors that are gentle on the eyes, comfortable sounds and surroundings that make a person want to take a deep breath and relax.

Plants and artificial plants are very important in the making of a relaxation room.  The greenery and earthy colors take us back to our roots and remind us we are part of nature itself.  In addition, water fountains provide meditative sound and noninvasive visual stimulation for letting the mind go.  Some water fountains are a genuine work of art all in themselves.  A more costly addition would be a hot tub in your special place, but this is not always a luxury everyone can afford.  However, favorite sculptures and wall decor can personalize a room, as this is also important in bringing familiarity that lets you know it is home.

A special place you go to for relaxation, ritual, reading or meditation is something you can create as a part of your ongoing stress reduction plan.  In order to create a relaxation room for yourself you have to spend some time thinking about what things enhance relaxation for you personally.  What colors calm you?  What sounds tend to bring your blood pressure down?  What kind of environment pulls you in and makes you want to stay?

To begin your initial plans for a relaxation room, try focusing on the senses.  What you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel in this "to-be-created" room is going to be unique to you and those who will be utilizing it.  It will eventually be a gathering of all the things you know bring you relaxation.  Will it have a place to make and sit for tea?  Maybe a meditation cushion and blanket?  Will there be music or silence?  Does it have your favorite books?  Or will you do other things to relax the mind, such as artwork, journaling, or mindfulness practices?

Regardless of the outcome, creating a personalized, special place to go for relaxation is a great way to stay on top of your stress management.  In the end it only needs to slow you down, give the muscles and mind a break, and remind you it is always there for you to come back to again and again.

Thanks to F.D. Richards for the great photo

https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Stress and trying to answer the unanswerable

Recently the wonderful Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh passed away.  He had been ill for some time after having a massive stroke in 2014.  He was a pretty remarkable person who wrote over 130 books, 100 of which were published in English.  He definitely left a lot of information for all of us to peruse for the rest of our lives.  One lesson taught, which was given by the Buddha and passed down through the centuries, was that we should not waste our time on metaphysical speculation.

If you are like me, this is a little upsetting because it is fun to contemplate the meaning of life and what else there could be besides just this one precious life.  But I don't think Thich Nhat Hanh or Buddha meant that you should not enjoy a good philosophical conversation.  What they meant was that the more time you spend chasing after "the answer" to things that can't be known, the more of this precious life you miss out on.

When we are faced with the question of life and death, it's very disturbing to imagine that this one precious life might be all there is.  Especially when there are threats of war, violence, death, and world destruction.  It's hard to  find our drive for creativity, our motivation to keep going, and our desire to put effort into life if we don't think there is "good reason".  We want there to be a reward at the end, like a heaven, or prize, or some kind of promise.   

It is taught that whenever the Buddha himself was asked about metaphysical questions, he remained silent.  Pretty good answer!  To answer is to get drawn into all kinds of mind games and the "What ifs" that lead to anxiety and suffering.  But the point of the lesson is that if you get distracted by these "What ifs", you lose all sight of the present moment, which is the only place where reality exits.  

This week we have heard endless stories about war and the invasion of Ukraine.  The images are terrible to see and the stories are heart breaking.  But it's very easy to get caught up as well into the terrible "What ifs" that leave us paralyzed and unable to find hope about the future.  In the process, we miss out on what is really happening "right now".  The more important question is , "How will you live your life right now", and that includes full awareness and response to this moment and the events happening in it.  

There is a popular Zen story about a man who was shot in the chest with an arrow.  Everyone tried to assist him in getting that arrow out, but he insisted on knowing all sorts of unanswerable details about the shooting of the arrow before he would let anyone try to save his life.  Meanwhile he was dying from the wound.  Of course, that is my shortened version of the parable, but maybe you get the point that spending all of our time trying to find answers to things we cannot know, is a waste of the one precious life we are living.  It is a powerful lesson driven home by the Zen master Seung Sahn who made it the foundation of his teaching.  One of his students later put together a book of his lessons and letters entitled, Only Don't Know. 

When it comes to anxiety we can get ourselves stressed out about things that can't be known.  Will I get in an auto accident?  Will I get shot by an arrow?  Will I have a job next week?  Is there a divine entity?  Will someone push the nuclear button?  

A Zen master was asked by a student, "Is there life after death?"  The Zen master replied, "How should I know?  I've never died before!"  

"Understanding means throwing away your knowledge."

~Thich Nhat Hanh

Less is More: Reducing Stress by Simplifying Life

If you find yourself feeling like you want to simplify life--clear the clutter and downsize to less "stuff", less spending, less accumulation, desire and want--, part of the battle will be to define what simplicity means to you, personally.  For some it can look pretty complex when compared to what simplicity might mean to others.  If you think owning twenty pairs of shoes is simpler than the fifty you have had for years, someone else might find the thought of owning twenty pairs of shoes a challenge in finding storage space.  If shopping just once a week is a nice reduction from your usual daily spending, someone else might find that shopping on a weekly basis would be a treat compared to the monthly time they permit themselves to go a little bit beyond what the budget allows.

There are several different ways to look at the concept of "simple".  It is frequently just thought of as "natural", meaning that nothing artificial or complicated has been added.  But then we'd have to get complicated already and define for each individual what "natural" is, and this starts getting away from the idea of simple real fast.  So let's just take one of the most common descriptions of simple, and that is that simple has "few added parts".  Or we could just simplify that even more to say that simple means "fewer".

When we say that "less is more" we mean that having less brings you more of something else.  You gain more peace of mind.  When life is less complex it's like lessening the load of a heavy backpack you've been carrying for too long.  And that pack can be lightened of more than just the material weight of items not needed anymore.  It can be lightened of worry, excessive stress, ruminating thoughts, traumatic memories, bad habits,  and even wasted time, like surfing the net or watching TV.

So what will be defined as simple or natural to you is going to be unique to you, and you might continue to expand your definition over the years.  For some it can eventually mean a remote existence in the deep forest, and for others it could mean a downsized city life with the least number of complications and needs allowable.  The main task will be deciding for yourself where you feel your life is too complex in the first place.  Is it in your work?  Your home?  Perhaps your finances or your relationships?  Or maybe the biggie for most of us...and that is in our thinking styles.

Simple doesn't have to mean dull and lifeless.  We can look at the beauty of Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement, to see that simple can be deeply beautiful and full of life and color.  A place where less is more.  

So here are some ideas for simplifying your life.  Keep in mind that this is very individualized and your concept of "fewer" is going to be different when compared to what others see as "less" in their lives.  Be self compassionate and give yourself permission to know what feels right for you.  What can you do with less of?  In what areas of your life would "fewer" work?

• Notice places in your environment where you have stocked up on several of the same item.  Determine how long it's been since you've actually needed all the "extras" and determine if keeping just one or two would actually work out just the same.
• Take a scroll through your phone contacts and determine how many phone numbers you are scrolling through that don't need to be there anymore.  Maybe some you've hung onto for so long you haven't dialed in years.  Can some be deleted?
• What clothing items hang in your closet or take up dresser space that have not been worn in over a year?  Or two years?  Or five years?  Do they really need to be there?
• You may find that there are items in your kitchen that were outdated a year ago.  Maybe longer.  Check the back of the shelves and inside the drawers and see if you can rid of some things that can never be used again.
• Carry items around before buying them.  Even in your electronic carts online.  Leave things there and come back to them later to see if you really still think you need or want them.  Sometimes we buy less by just sleeping on it.
• Set a timer when surfing the net.  After 30 minutes, get up and go do something else.  Less is more when you can enjoy more of life and not spend all of your time on the computer.
• Create less opportunity for others to interrupt your personal time by scheduling it for yourself and not letting anyone take it from you.  Having an appointment with yourself reduces the concept of FOMO (fear of missing out).
• Set limits at your place of employment, even if you are your own boss.  Be firm about quitting time and stop letting work gobble up more and more of your precious time.
• Use Mindfulness practices to interrupt unwanted or repetitive thinking and ruminations.  Joko Beck, in her book Everyday Zen, suggests noticing what you are thinking throughout the day and labeling the thoughts, or placing those thoughts into categories so you can raise your awareness that we each have a set of thought categories we return to repeatedly.  "I'm not doing enough" thoughts, or "Something bad will happen" thoughts.  Discover what your most frequent thought categories are.  Intentionally noticing them and categorizing them, according to Joko, helps them begin to dissolve.  This happens because we move from "generating" thoughts, to "observing" thoughts.

           It's a good thing to be satisfied with what one has."    ~Buddha

Thanks to crabchick  and terrance rengarasu for the great photos, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Self-Inspiration as a Way to Reduce Stress and Anxiety

It's interesting (especially during this time of COVID), that the definition of "inspire" is not only "to influence, motivate or produce a feeling", but also to "inhale" or "breathe in air".  And those who have experienced the harshest of the COVID virus know that "breathing in" is nothing to take for granted.  One survivor was quoted as saying that because our breathing comes so automatically and naturally, "It was quite alarming to have to actually think about each breath."  But the other definition of inspire has a very similar feel in that we can find our ability to inspire others so that it becomes automatic, or we might have to actually think about it and work at it until it becomes a natural part of who we are.  And then there is thinking even one more step beyond just inspiring others, that is...learning "self-inspiration".  In the same way many brave COVID survivors are learning to breath all over again on their own--the rest of us can also learn to become self-inspiring in the same way.  Those who can inspire others, can inspire themselves as well.

Inspire is a little different from just encouraging, although they are very similar.  Encouraging is to push someone to have courage or strength (nudging them along), while inspire is to "inhale" or "breathe in", or in other words, "take in or fill up".  If you were giving CPR you would literally be breathing air into another human being and so to psychologically inspire someone, you have to give something...breathe some passion or feeling into them, and if you are inspiring yourself, you have to breathe in or take something like that in for yourself.  Like a scuba diver who, while rescuing another diver, quickly takes a breath from the oxygen mouth-piece for themselves in order that they both make it back to the surface alive.  Taking psychological breaths for yourself is the way to bring stress and anxiety levels down and assure that you make it back to the surface of this game called life.

Here are some ideas for applying self-inspiration to your life:

• Create daily affirmations that specifically apply to the things you are passionate about
• Take time out to rest and re-energize when you feel your energy depleted
• Look for rituals, mementos, quotes, books, movies, and other inspiring items that feed you
• Set goals that reflect the things that matter most to you in life
• Eat a well balanced diet that keeps your body at its best performance
• Exercise your body in order to feel your best and stay in the game of life
• Fill up your psychological and emotional tank on a regular basis

"We can make ourselves miserable,
or we can make ourselves strong. 
The amount of effort is the same."   
       ~Pema Chodron

Thanks to Guian Bolisay for the great photo

Holiday Aroma: The Relaxing Smells of the Holiday Season

If your family tradition is to get a real Yuletide tree for the home each year, then you have experienced the association of seasonal smells that come with the holidays.  Psychotherapists that utilize aroma therapy in their work have known for years that the use of aromas can contribute to the rise of feelings, memories and reactions associated with them, and during the holiday season this triggering is more true than just about any other time of the year.

It's not just evergreen trees that trigger relaxation, happy memories and joy during the holidays.  The end-of-year celebrations have a multitude of triggering aromas, from hot chocolate and candies to cinnamon and peppermint.  Whatever it may be, finding the correct aroma for yourself is key in knowing what helps bring you joy and relaxation during this festive time of the year.

With all of this in mind, it's important to know that just as an association of aroma with fond memories and events is positive, there may also be aromas that bring you sorrow, irritation, and pain.  Knowing what these are is also important so you can arrange for positive outcomes throughout the holiday season.  Just remember that it's different for everyone.  The smell of a Yuletide evergreen tree is not the same for everyone and is not universally "pleasant".  For one person it can have a positive association with opening presents and hearing favorite holiday music, and for another it can bring painful memories of negative events that perhaps happened in association to the tree during any given occasion in the past.

You most likely already know which holiday aromas are most pleasant to you and which ones you steer clear of.  The reason is because they trigger memories and emotions right away.  But there might be some physical and emotional reactions that take a little while to sink in and you may not fully realize that you've been affected by them until a gradual emotion or mood surfaces.  Becoming gradually sad or finding yourself getting incrementally cheerful might mean that you were triggered by an aroma earlier than "now", such as passing through a store while shopping for holiday gifts but not realizing until an hour later that you might have been triggered by the aroma of candles or oils while in the store earlier.  So try to notice if a memory or feeling has crept up on you from aroma triggers you might not have noticed at the time they occurred.  

It might take a few holiday seasons for you to experiment with aroma therapy, but based on your present awareness of yourself, you can help to enhance your relaxation and stress reduction during the holidays by surrounding yourself with the aromas you already know well.  Finding safe sources for these aromas is also important so be careful to check the products you purchase to make sure they are as safe as possible to your lungs and overall health.

Aroma therapy sources may include candles, scented sachets, potpourri, essential oils and oil diffusers, lotions, sprays, perfumes, soaps, bath beads, burning smokeless incense, balms, and herbs.  Each is a personal preference and no one method is better than the other.  Your choice is part of the process of finding the most enjoyable aromas for your mind and body.

Hellen Keller, who lost her eyesight and hearing before she was 2yrs old, was well known for her incredible writing and communication skills which frequently shone light on awareness of the power that our "other" senses have.  She wrote that, "Smell is a potent wizard that transports us across thousands of miles and all the years we have lived."  

Thanks to micadew for the great holiday photo.

Meditation in the Winter: Finding Relaxing Stillness

Winter can be a very peaceful and calming time.  For one thing, it is quiet.  Snow tends to give an insulating feeling to your surroundings and cushions sound and mood.

Symbolically, we turn inward in the winter time, a little bit like hibernating bears.  Although we don't sleep the winter away like they do, we do slow down, crave different kinds of foods, and experience a changed metabolism.  We also tend to turn in a little earlier at night when the sun sets sooner than other times of the year.

Winter also moves us to seek out things that are cozy, like warm fires and hot coco, as well as soft sweaters, fleece hats and wools socks.  These cozy things are reminiscent of our time in the womb when our surroundings were literally wrapped around our entire being, and brought us the support of our universe as we knew it then.

While turning inward we become more contemplative, perhaps do some writing or artwork (such as painting and drawing), or maybe some cooking and baking, reading, and other home projects.  We tend to get a little more creative overall.

Winter is also a great time for meditation.  The push to be indoors brings us right to the company of our meditation mat and the quiet surrounding is perfect for our practice of stilling the mind.  Always remember that you won't do this perfectly as the determination of the monkey-mind will want to interrupt the peacefulness of any soft winter sitting.  But do your best and allow yourself the patience you deserve to approach your winter stillness with self-compassion.

Your meditation can include the contemplation of your unanswerable life's question (your koan), or perhaps the meaning of a good poem can help you stay focused.  Here is one by Robert Frost to give you some pause.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Thanks to Jonathan Cook-Fisher for the great photo from Truckee River South Lake Tahoe, CA