Suffering: Learning to Sit in the Discomfort of Temporary Feelings

According to the philosophy of Buddhism, one of the Four Noble Truths is that all of life is suffering.  Or better put, suffering is just a part of life.  But you might say you have good and happy days, so not "all" of life is suffering.  But the idea is that if you think those good and happy days will last, you will suffer.  Reality will wake you to the fact that all things constantly change (which is another of the Four Noble Truths), and that even good and happy days will change.  So learning to sit with suffering is a skill that can lower anxiety and stress, which is related to our faulty beliefs that life should be good all the time.  In fact, another of the Four Noble truths is that suffering can end when we stop hanging on to such beliefs that life should have no suffering, or if it does have suffering, we should be exempt from it and have a way out.

Now, this doesn't mean we should go around seeking things to suffer about.  Nor does it mean we should try to find joy in suffering, or pretend it's not really true suffering.  But the idea behind learning to sit with suffering when it occurs is to help us see that we can be present even when things aren't going so swell.  It also helps us see that suffering doesn't last any more than happiness does.  They both occur, but nothing (not even joy or sadness), lasts indefinitely.

For example, when a person is trying to break a bad habit, such as drinking, they may find that when cravings come, they are suffering.  To run from the suffering they might reach for alcohol or other substances to try to make the discomfort stop.  But if an individual can learn to sit in the discomfort instead, they will eventually see that cravings don't last, and so the suffering doesn't either.  But if we try to run from the reality of life's discomforts, we only get even more uncomfortable and suffer even more.

So too, when we experience anxiety it's also a good idea to try to decipher if it's the kind of anxiety that just comes with life, or if it is excessive anxiety.  If it is normal to feel anxiety about a particular event in life, then trying to escape it might not be the best answer.  Avoidant behavior and isolation can prevent the realization that anxiety doesn't last any more than relaxation does.  Therefore, trying small steps towards exposing oneself to the stressful life event is good medicine.  Taken in small steps, one can learn to face some of the more anxiety provoking things that come with life.  

One of the things that Buddhists learn from practicing meditation is that sitting for prolonged periods of time is actually very difficult.  Your legs fall asleep.  Your back hurts.  Your seat hurts.  You want to scratch an itch on your nose but are encouraged to not move.  And so suffering is in full force.  But what happens is that the meditator learns that when the final bell rings to signal that the round of meditation is over, everything changes, and the question is... did the practitioner miss the whole thing because they were only focused on how to escape all of that suffering?  Or were they sitting in the discomfort as a practice in the present moment of what was really happening.  In only the latter case does one learn to accept that life is not all happiness and comfort, nor should it be.

If we spend most of our life trying to escape suffering, we don't really experience life itself, because as was said at the start of this article... reality is full of suffering.  It's a part of what life is.  Running from suffering is what substance abuse, over-spending, over-eating, gambling, excessive sex, and many other behaviors looks like.  But all of these just lead to more awareness of the facts of life.  That it's going to keep changing, and it's going to be full of many moods, many feelings, many events, and none will be permanent.

Anything we want to do to make improvements in our lives will come with some form of suffering.  It's up to us if we want to perfect our skill of studying suffering and what we are like when in it, or if we want to perfect our skill of pretending we can escape the sufferings that come with human life and live in the false belief that we should be exempt from that reality.

You can find my previous blog entery about learning to accept things as they are, rather than always wanting them to be other than what they really are here.

"It's not impermanence that makes us suffer.  What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not."     ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Thanks to Brett Jordan for the great image, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Abdominal Breathing: Your Number One Tool for Fighting Stress

This month marks the achievement of 10 years for this blog and to celebrate we'll travel back in time to the very first blog entry in March of 2015 where we looked at the importance of abdominal breathing in the reduction of stress and anxiety.  You can find that blog entry here

There are so many good things that come from learning and practicing slow, relaxed, abdominal breathing that once you've experienced the benefits, you will keep this technique close at hand to help you in any stressful situation that leads to increased anxiety.

The benefits of abdominal breathing are plentiful.  On top of decreasing muscle tension, it lowers your blood pressure and heart rate, which are two of the most common symptoms experienced by individuals who have panic and anxiety disorders.  It also reduces the stress response and lowers the levels of cortisol steroids in the body, which tend to flood the system when a stress response is present.

In addition, slow relaxed breathing releases endorphins, the feel-good chemicals that relieve pain, reduce stress, and improve mood.  It also helps to reduce insomnia and improve sleep, as well as improve overall energy.  This kind of breathing helps get more oxygen to the lower third of the lungs, which helps overall bodily functioning, muscle tension, and getting needed oxygen into the tissues.

All of the benefits mentioned here are why most people turn to slow abdominal breathing as the first- choice method for reducing symptoms of panic, anxiety, and stress.  It requires no pills, gadgets, tools, or devices and costs nothing at all.  It is readily available and can become your number one mindfulness exercise with the fastest results.

So, using the link above, travel back to the first entry of this blog from ten years ago and see what you can do with your breathwork.  It's one way to gain more control over your symptoms and see for yourself the results of slowing your breathing.  

"Breathing in I calm my body.  Breathing out, I smile."     ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Thanks to karoly czifra for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Stress Free Realistic Goals

It's a new year and maybe you made all sorts of resolutions in hopes of bettering your life.  It's never a bad idea to have good intentions for the future, especially if they mean growth and self-improvement.  Exercise, weight loss and improving one's diet are all at the top of the list each year for most people. In fact, the month with the highest number of new gym memberships is January. 

But statistics also reveal that only 25% of people who make these resolutions are still actually committed to the task after just one month, and January is also the month with the highest number of gym membership cancellations.  So yes, you heard that right.  It all happens that fast.  We see the new year coming, and the gyms see it too.  So they offer lots and lots of deals in December while everyone is buying gifts and wanting to set new goals.

That means at the writing of this blog entry in late January, 2025, you and many others like you are already losing your mojo and maybe even wanting your membership refunded.  You could be losing your drive for many other kinds of goals you set for yourself at the start of the new year.  

So what happens that causes many of us to get that inspirational drive to see the changes we want to make, set the goals and put things in place to reach them, but then lose whatever that energy was that set a fire under us to being with?

If you needed to climb a tall staircase and while standing at the bottom you focused only on that top step, you might lose your desire to begin the climb in the first place.  But if you divided the staircase into parts and set 4 different goals, the task might seem a little simpler if you only looked up that staircase 4 steps at a time.  Goal one is to reach step four, goal two is to reach step eight, goal three is to reach step twelve and the final goal is to reach the last step at the top.

Our new resolutions and goals can be seen this way in that if all we see is the final weight loss goal, or the final change we want to see (overnight) in our diet plan, or the newly changed exercise plan we want our body to be doing in the next 24 hours, then of course we can become discouraged fast as we discover, change doesn't come that fast.  Change takes time and any situation we are in today took a long time to reach.  So it will take time to change as well.

If you are reaching the end of January and already feeling discouraged about your new goals, rather than label the whole task as a failure, consider the idea of regrouping and restarting with a new approach.  Break the task down into smaller sections with each section being its own goal.  Rather than an entire diet change (overnight), consider adding or subtracting one thing you'd like to try to change in your diet first.  Such as cutting out just 500 calories a day, or reducing the amount of sugar you take in, or cutting down on just one cup of coffee a day, and so on.  Yes, the goal is to eventually stop the coffee completely, or cut out the sugars entirely, or get the caloric intake down much further than 500 calories a day, but the smaller goal may be more reachable.  Reach for step 4 on the staircase first, and leave the top step for later.

If your goal is to exercise more, regroup and restart by setting realistic goals such as just trying to go for a 15 min walk each day sometime before bed, rather than "I'm going to start running five miles a day and it must be first thing in the morning", or "I must workout for an hour a day starting now", even though you don't really have an extra hour a day to give.  Let the 15 min walk be your equivalent of just aiming for the fourth step on the staircase.  Letting the higher goals be later steps.

Thinking of your new goals as themes instead of resolutions can also ease the pressure to perform and allow the new goals to have aim but not demand.  Reachable goals bring success, not failure.  They are also a lot less stressful and your drive tends to be higher for things you know you can successfully do.

If you feel more discouraged than driven toward your goals as 2025 moves forward, consider regrouping and restarting with reachable and realistic goals.  Muscle is built over time and so is weight loss.  New habits are developed slowly with repetition, not by the flip of a switch.  Take it easy and try again.  Don't give up!

"The most difficult thing is the decision to act; the rest is merely tenacity"     ~Amelia Earhart

Thanks to ray explores for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Holiday Traditions: Finding Peace in the Familiar

There are a lot of various traditions handed down from generation to generation regarding the holidays.  For some it is the way the tree is decorated, or just the specifics of a meal.  For others it might be songs that are sung or movies that are watched, or maybe traditional family pajamas or ornament decorating.

As we age traditions can change and we might miss some of the old traditions or feel uncomfortable with some of the new ones that come along with a changing life due to partnering or new environments.  But the good thing about holiday traditions is that you can always create new ones that brings you joy and good memories.  The comfort of holiday traditions can bring a feeling of peace and contentment that calms the mind and reduces stress.

One of the ways that traditions help with stress during the holidays is that they bring a sense of reassurance in a changing world that at times doesn't offer the same securities it might have in the past.  Traditions give us a place to come home to where something feel familiar in an uncertain world.

Creating memories with others using traditional rituals for the holidays can bring a sense of peace and joy, as well as bonding around when those traditions are repeated again in the new year.  They become the things that loved ones look forward to and long for when thinking of gathering again.

If you are missing some traditions that were once in your life during the holidays, there is always the chance this year to revive them, recreate them for a new generation, or create entirely new traditions that have the opportunity to become the things to look forward to year after year.

There is a lot of peace to be found in tradition and holiday ritual.  Here are some ideas for you to consider trying for yourself and your loved ones:

Mailing holiday cards, baking cookies or other treats, decorating your tree or home, making ornaments or decorations, creating gingerbread houses, caroling, holiday gathering to watch traditional movies, ugly sweater parties, burning a candle in memory of loved ones lost, going to look at local lights, holiday hayrides, annual tree decorating party, attending traditional performances, etc.

These are fairly traditional, but don't be afraid to come up with something very unique to you and yours.  A traditional cold-water plunge, card game, hot chocolate recipe, special soup, or any other number of unique things you want to weave into your comforting holiday routine is okay.  The point is to not just wait for traditions to be handed down from one generation to the next, but know you can start your own at any time.

If you don't like a holiday tradition you try this year, you don't have to repeat it again.  Just toss it aside and try something else.  But for the things that you find worthwhile, make a special place in your heart and memory to bring them out of the box again next year.

"We are what we repeatedly do"     ~Aristotle 

Thanks to Emily May for the great photo

Simplify the Holidays to Reduce Stress

As the holiday season nears, I hear a lot from others that things get increasingly hectic for them from about Halloween all the way through New Years.  There are a lot of varied factors that contribute to this stress, but one of the biggest is that of making things too complicated.  So finding ways to simplify it all can reduce your stress and get you through the holidays. 

Travel is one of the more common and expensive complications during the holidays.  Ways to simplify traveling include booking your flights early, taking turns every other year or more with relatives to not always be the one traveling, tap in to relatives and friends who live in the destination area to help you with transportation, and always travel light.

Cooking and meal planning are also tasks that can quickly get out of control if too many details and dishes are included.  Meal events can be much less stressful by asking everyone to bring a dish, see if others are willing to help out with some of the usual tasks like table setting, dishes, carving, entertaining guests and so on.  Keeping it simple with just the basics of food can only be helpful and avoiding long and complicated recipes that have high risk of failure when something more simple would do just as well.

Holidays are also a time when many people get sick.  General Adaptation Syndrome explains the way in which chronically high levels of stress will push us through the three stages of Alarm, Resistance, and finally Exhaustion.  When holidays finally come, the body can fall into the third stage of this series making us susceptible to illness due to a lowered immune system.  Ways to counter this are to utilize the time off, not for more stress or unhealthy behavior such as drinking or over eating, but using the time and opportunity to rest, relax, enjoy oneself.  It can be a time for focusing on eating a healthy diet while the opportunity presents itself for a break from the usual stressors of life outside of the holidays.  In other words, don't make your holiday break more complicated with excess, but instead try to simplify it with less.

Holidays don't need to be complicated and stressful.  Instead, they can and should be relaxing events where everyone can reenergize, relax and enjoy a break from the usual rushed and hectic schedule of everyday working life.

You can find my prior blog entry about ways to simplify the holidays here. 

"I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things in life which are the real ones after all."     ~Laura Ingalls Wilder

Thanks to Faith Goble for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Anticipatory Anxiety: Coping with Election Worry

I've spoken to a lot of people lately who tell me that one of the things that is leaving them with worry and anxiety on most days is the upcoming election here in the United States.  It was of no matter if they were Democrats or Republicans, because the worry has sounded so similar that one doesn't really even need to know which side of the fence anyone is on.  The worry sounds the same.

Both sides seem worried about violence after the election, and both sides are worried that it seems no one can get along anymore.  Both sides seem to recall times when debate among citizens was safe and people could agree to disagree, and those on both sides seem so overwhelmed at the idea of the "other" candidate winning, that they can hardly do more than bury their heads in the sand until after the elections.

In the 2020 presidential election, despite it being a year when the voter turn-out was the highest it had been in 120 years, only 67% of the those who were eligible to vote, did so.  This year the 2024 results of the American Psychiatric Association's annual mental health poll shows that 73% of Americans are particularly anxious about the US elections, and no wonder since even Newsweek was prompted to ask in one of its September articles, "Is this the closest presidential race in history?"

With a little over two weeks to go until the elections, it seems that with all of this anticipatory anxiety in the air, that stress levels are only going to get higher for many unless steps are taken to reduce anxiety and turn the volume down.

Anticipatory anxiety has all the classic symptoms of many other kinds of anxiety, including muscle tension, rapid heart rate, sweaty palms, shortness of breath, etc.  But it also carries with it a sense of doom and worry about possible bad outcomes, and these kinds of thoughts lead to additional tendencies to ruminate about a future event by means of our active imagination that keeps us focused on future possibilities, rather than on the present.

There is also a lot of uncertainty with anticipatory anxiety which can lead to prolonged stress that lasts until the expected event is finally here or over.  So finding ways to periodically practice relaxation exercises is necessary to prevent your body and mind from running at a high idle for prolonged periods, which can lead to insomnia, distraction, and even physical illness.

One method of countering anticipatory anxiety is to imagine "positive what-ifs".  This method pushes against the ruminating mind that can only think of bad outcomes.  For the election this could be imagining that your candidate wins, but it can also mean imagining how you would cope in a positive way even if your candidate does not win.  In other words it counters ideas that try to convince you that you "couldn't handle it" if the other side wins.

It's also important to not lose track of your daily relaxation routine.  If you find you are forgetting to meditate, go for your mindful walk, take in that daily run, go for that swim, or are avoiding the hike you know brings you back to earth and keeps you centered, then give yourself a nudge to get back on track, especially now so close to the election.

Anticipatory anxiety is felt all the way up until the anticipated event finally happens, and then it disperses.  With this in mind, do all you can to not let it take a toll on your body and mind in the interim.  Know that you can handle the outcome no matter which way the wind blows.

"There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it".               ~Alfred Hitchcock

Thanks to Lisa Zins for the great photo

Autumn Walk: A Mindfulness Practice

Autumn is a perfect time to let walking be your mindfulness practice.  It is full of all the richness that brings the senses alive and it's one of the healthiest and safest exercises for the human body.

A helpful exercise when practicing mindfulness is to focus on the senses, and a relaxing walk among the smells, sights and sounds of Autumn can be the perfect combination for staying in the present moment.

When our racing minds begin to take off to the future with worried "what-if" thinking, or when they drift to the past with messages of how things "should" have been, or "could" have been, then we are not present.  But mindfulness practices that bring us right into our senses can help with this.  The sounds, smells, view, feel and even the tastes we experience in the present moment are all that really exist.  We can consider the past and bring information from it to the present to help us solve something or move forward, and we can consider those worries about the future in order to apply action to productive worry, but letting our minds live in the past or future only leads to prolong feelings of depression and anxiety.  

Don't worry.  You're not alone if your mind tends to drift off into the past or future quite often, but you can get better and better at staying in the present by apply daily practices that exercise your ability to return to the present over and over again.  The more you practice mindfulness, the more frequently you will be present and the less you will suffer from the consequences of living in symptoms of depression and anxiety that are triggered by thoughts, and not reality.

A beautiful and relaxing Autumn walk is perfect for these kinds of mindfulness practices.  In such an environment you can intentionally pay attention to the brilliant changing colors all around you.  Fall is a time of year that offers carpeted paths of fallen leaves of shades ranging from yellow and green, to orange and red.  The changing environment around you will also offer the smells of the changing season.  Damp leaves and transforming forest floors produce the smells of the shifting season as the trees around you are shedding their growth for the coming winter. 

There is something about walking among all those leaves that also has a feel of insulation that softens sound.  Depending on where you live, you will also hear the sound of the traveling birds as they make their way south this time of year, and other animals will be busy in the bush preparing their winter homes and food supply.

As you zero in on these senses during your walk, you may not notice it but your mind is no longer racing into the future with worry or drifting into the past with sorrow, regret, and other emotions that surface.  These changes also preventing any ongoing unnecessary symptoms that those memories or worries create in your present moment.

Here is an exercise for your Autumn walk.  Spend 5 minutes on each statement, rotating through them repeatedly throughout your walk:  "What do I see?", "What do I hear?", "What do I smell?", "What do I taste?", and "What do I feel?"  The very last one listed here is not about feeling emotionally or psychologically, but what you feel physically, such as the temperature, or the sun on your face, or your clothing on your body, etc.  In addition, if you do not detect something in one of your senses, that's okay.  For instance, if you are not eating anything, or do not have gum or anything else in your mouth, you might not really taste anything at the moment, and that's okay.  Just move to the next sense and continue.

This is a beautiful time of year to get outside and enjoy the mild temperatures, as well as the beautiful colors and smells.  They say there is no time like the present, but the truth is that the present is the only time that really exists.  So it should say, "There is no time but the present". 

"Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree."     ~EmilyBronte

Thanks to Sebnem Gulfidan for the great photo, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/