The Relaxing Art of Conversational Meditation

Many time we think of meditation as something one might do solo, in private, with silence and without the distraction of others.  However, meditative conversation is a relaxing way to be fully present and in the company of a good friend, while also relaxing and reducing stress.

Traditional definitions of meditation include things such as "concentration on one's breath" or "repeating a mantra".  They can also include activities such as staring at a candle flame or using a guided imagery in one's mind.

But when it comes right down to it, meditation is actually all of these as they all have one thing in common, and that is that they train the mind and consciousness to be fully present and focused on whatever it is that is happening right now.

In meditative conversation, one must work to sharpen their listening skills so they can remain fully present.  It's not uncommon to talk about oneself too much, or change the topic your companion is presenting to be all about "me, myself, and I".  Other common mistakes that distract from being fully present in conversation are things like talking over the top of your friend, rushing to reply before your conversation companion has finished their sentence, and continually changing the topic to focus on your own life and events.  There is a common misconception that conversation is made up of, "I talk about me, then you talk about you".  Which is not really a conversation.  It's two people talking about themselves in the presence of another person. It's talking "at" someone, not with them.

Here are some tips for meditative conversation you can try the next time you plan to get together with a good friend, companion, acquaintance, or partner.

*Meditative conversation is best done in a quieter, relaxed setting where complete focus can be directed at listening and responding to what is heard.  A bar scene is for other kinds of communication, and the loud music and distraction does not make for truly focused discussions.

*Practiced listening skills are key, in that one cannot be listening to another if they are already trying to figure out what their own next sentence will be.  Actively work to not just remain silent (which is not all that "listening" is), but to also hear what is being said.  Active listening involves responses that let others know we are following them, are curious about details, want to know more, can relate to what they are saying, and are truly interested and have heard what they've just said.  Rushing in to turn the topic focus to oneself is not the idea.

*Eye contact, or at least facing one another if outdoors or wearing sunglasses, is a way of showing interest.  Looking away, or over the top of someone's shoulder only says, "I'm not really interested in whatever it is you are saying."  Today we have a very big problem with people looking down at their phones or computers and not really demonstrating attention when others are speaking to them.  Bragging that you are only "multi-tasking" doesn't help the other person feel you are truly present for them.  So put gadgets away and bring your full attention into the present.  When it comes to meditational conversation you are either "fully" present, or you are not.  Partial presence is not fully present.

*When it's your turn to speak, don't dominate the airspace too much, but also don't deadpan or respond with one-word replies.  That causes an imbalance in conversation in which the other person has to "carry the load" of the entire conversation by themselves, and it also says you are not bringing yourself to the moment and are not participating fairly in conversation.

*A good conversation is done with just one other person.  Many good talks can come with more people present, but all involved would need to practice these meditative skills and as the crowd grows, the listening skills and etiquette tends to meander.

Meditative conversation with another can be relaxing and enjoyable, especially if both individuals are fully present.  Try this with a good friend or companion and see how different a conversation can be.

Thanks to vxla for the great photo
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Present Moment Stillness and Relaxation

In a poem called East Coker, which is the first of four lengthy poems written by T.S Elliot called The Four Quartets, he wrote:

At the still point of the turning world.  Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement.  And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered.  Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline.  Except for the point, the still point,
there would be no dance, and there is only the dance.

We could almost think of Elliot's Still Point as the center of gravity where a surfer rides the wave.  Not really moving toward anything, or away from anything, but existing on a point of balance in the present moment.  The surfer dances atop the surfboard, but relative to it, is not moving.  And though the board stays atop the moving wave, the wave never leaves the surface of the earth.

In many Zen stories a comparison is made between the mind, and the surface of water.  A busy mind--it is said--is like the surface of rough moving water; but a still and calm mind is like the surface of calm water that has settled to the point of stillness, where--like the surface of a mirror--a bird flying above could be seen as a reflection in the surface of the water below.

But stillness is not easy to realize for many of us in today's modern world.  Trying to see the reflection of anything on the surface of our minds is getting harder and harder as people's minds are frequently distracted by the rough waters of the over-stimulating effects of technology and a busy world.

But, as Elliot said, "there is only the dance".  In other words, there is only this moment, "where past and future are gathered".  Stillness is getting more and more difficult for many who--when sitting themselves down to relax--find that the churning waters of their minds continue to move.

Finding your own place of stillness can take time, but it's important to work on it a little bit every day.  Slowing down the body in a fast-paced world isn't simple, but it facilitates the slowing down of the mind, even if it takes the mind awhile to catch up with the stillness of the body.  Tai Chi, Qigong, Yoga, Meditation, are all means to work towards this goal.

If you traditionally have a hard time sitting still, start by at least slowing down.  Try to slow your pace, walk more calmly, eat more slowly, or develop a slow and intentional ritual before bed or rising in the morning.  Try reading more slowly and intentionally.  Try grocery shopping more slowly.  Try everything from your morning shower to washing the car at a pace that moves your closer to stillness.

In time you may find that you become more accustomed to stillness.  But stillness is not just physical.  It's also mental, emotional, and psychological.  Stillness means to not always be looking for the next thing to do, or get, or be.

Another good poet by the name of Chris McCombs wrote in his poem, Go Deeper:

Go deeper
Past thought
Into silence
Past silence
Into stillness
Past stillness
Into the Heart
Now
Let the Love
Consume
Whatever is left of you

Thanks to Hefin Owen for his great photo - Misty Sunrise Padarn Lake